Re: Will it be a softer, kinder general conference?
Posted: Fri Apr 03, 2020 8:57 am
Red Ryder wrote: ↑Wed Apr 01, 2020 5:18 pm Here’s how I see it going down:
First Presidency will be in one of those stake conference video chapels sitting 6 feet apart. Sorry, 2 meters apart (it’s a world wide church).
Conference will start as usual with Oaks presiding every sesh by default. He will introduce the conference and kiss the ring finger of President Nelson smirking that this was prophesied to be unlike any other conference.
When it’s time for the opening song, Eyering will walk off camera and come back with one of those giant 1980’s boom boxes on his shoulder. He will struggle to set it down in front of his big red chair but manage without breaking it. He will then struggle to push the play button for 35 seconds, all the while Oaks will lose patience with him and stomp over yelling “Damnit Hank! Just push the button!”
Hank will push the play button and the sound of his 1980’s MoTab Choir mix tape will play the opening song. After the opening song finishes, the camera will pan over to the microphone and pulpit only to find Hank hasn’t made it yet. The camera pans back to find Hank with his eyes closed seemingly replaying the MoTab’s 1982 Christmas in Israel album I his head. Oaks throws his shoe and Hank ducks in time, waddles to the microphone and says a long talk prayer. Oaks is caught on screen murmuring under his breath.
Oaks then graciously thanks Hank for the music and prayer. Then announces the remaining half of the conference session.
First speak will be Elder Bednar. The Skype video connects and Elder B is seen on screen combing his hair again trying to get it perfect. Seen on the mirror, you can tell he is in his blue suit, white shirt, red tie, and no pants on. Standing their in nothing but his black socks, mesh garment bottoms, and his suit jacket, he runs over and sits down in his giant red replica of his apostle chair. You can’t tell he’s not wearing any pants, but the members know. Oaks murmurs “Dammit David, we practiced this. Leave the hair alone and stay in your chair!” Elder B gives a talk on the important of food storage including the appropriate bottling temperature of pickle jars.
Next up is Elder Gong, sitting in his big red replica chair at home. He praises Elder Bednar, Elder Oaks, and President Nelson. Then spends the next 14 minutes explaining that he is not Chinese, isn’t contagious, has severe spring allergies, says he isn’t contagious, he Loves the Lord, mentions again he’s not contagious, and reiterates his love for President Nelson and Wendy. Then he notes again he’s not contagious, he’s not from China, and the Lord will bless us as we are obedient to the shelter in. Then he ends with a giant sneeze!! aaaachooooo! I’m NoT contagious, he yells as the video cuts off and the FP appears on the screen.
Next up is another song by the MoTab choir. This time Oaks walks over and grabs the boom box from Hank’s feet and pushes the button. Suddenly a loud bass beat drops... I like big butts and i can not lie, my other brothers can’t deny! I like them big, and round, and juicy! I get spruuuuuung! Members around the world begin to sing in unison before Oaks pushes stop. This time he pushes the other side of the dual cassette tape and Motab again plays appropriately.
After the rest song, Nelson gets up and shuffles to the podium where he congratulates the members for participating in a historic never before seen general conference. He speaks about the last days, reassuring everyone that Moroni’s trumpet will be reattached by worthy construction workers holding a current temple recommend. He then proceeds to prime everyone’s curiosity by announcing that more adjustments to church policy will be coming in the Sunday afternoon session.
The closing song is played on the boom box featuring an unknown elder of the seventy.
Stay tuned for the next session of conference.
Dear Goddess...please let this actually happen!!!!
