Confused About How DW Interpreted "Spiritual" SM Story

[MoPag]

Because the church constantly tells women that God loves them, and then turns around and treats them as walking incubators, and pounds into them how important priesthood is, but motherhood is important too, most women cannot verbalized just how unloved they feel inside.

YES^^^ And not being able to verbalize something that important can really screw with your head. I saw this on spectacular display in RS today. We had the most miserable, depressing lesson about joy. But before that lesson, Sister Passive/Aggressive threw a fit in front of the whole RS about her new visiting teaching route. My RS is full of talented, smart, hard-working women, but they've been so brain f@#&ed by the church that they have this horribly warped view of themselves. It's just so sad when you really step back and look at it all.

Well done Alas, I think you nailed the deeper meaning in this thread.

[Newme]

Maybe as mentioned, she feels a bit marginalized. I really believe that a major aspect of feeling God's love is feeling loved by others. You know, we are God's hands. The kingdom (realm/experience) of God is not somewhere up in the clouds, but within each of us. When "God lets us down" it's usually ourselves and/or others letting us down. Jesus said, "Why have you forsaken me" and to me, that's like saying, "Why is it that the GOoD in all of these people have forsaken me, tortured and killed me?"

[Give It Time]

Maybe as mentioned, she feels a bit marginalized. I really believe that a major aspect of feeling God's love is feeling loved by others. You know, we are God's hands. The kingdom (realm/experience) of God is not somewhere up in the clouds, but within each of us. When "God lets us down" it's usually ourselves and/or others letting us down. Jesus said, "Why have you forsaken me" and to me, that's like saying, "Why is it that the GOoD in all of these people have forsaken me, tortured and killed me?"

This was how I interpreted it. There was a time I was going through a very rough time. Anyway, I'd hear stories like what you mention, either from the person needing support or the person getting the prompting to give support. I wondered why no one was getting a prompting to talk to me, to let me know I'm loved, etc. I wondered if I had done something to offend God, but I had done everything I could to be faithful and obey. I had made enormous sacrifices to follow promptings and things had gone horrendously wrong. I desperately needed support, prayed for it for months and none was forthcoming. All the while, I got treated to the stories like the ones your wife heard.

I eventually dried my tears from that jag and decided that if I was going to get through this, it would have to be by my own devices. Then, new tears came in torrents as I sought the answers to my questions and those answers led me out of my testimony. I now see that period of time, actually, as divinely directed. As time transpired and church attendance became uncomfortable due to the doctrines, that's when people started reaching out.

I'm about to get sexist, but I don't want this to seem like a church bash fest, because I do believe Mormon aggression in seeking "the lost" is a problem. I see this as an aspect of human nature. I was taught that one of the ways to attract a man is to be too busy for him. Of course, it's all supposed to be a ruse and you're just appearing in demand so the men will want you, too. I found this worked best if I genuinely was too busy doing things I genuinely enjoyed. In other words, it wasn't an act.

I mean this in all seriousness. I get how your wife is feeling. I do. If she wants to be getting some of that "thinking of you" attention from the ward, my best suggestion is to make herself scarce. Don't do it to manipulate. As I said in my previous post, just develop outside friendships and interests. When people notice she's there less, they'll start reaching out. Thing is, this will stop as soon as she is participating regularly, again.

Another thing that worked for me is one of the ways I got busy was doing plays. It gave automatic fodder for interesting anecdotes and I got free tickets to shows that I was able to offer to friends and family.

[Later Addition]

The standard advice in a situation is if your wife is feeling forgotten, then she would look around and reach out to those who may be forgotten and let them know they're loved. Good advice and holds the vast majority of the time.

My particular case was one where reaching out was not really possible and when things in my life became "declassified" and I would explain why I didn't reach out, the listerner would always smile wanly and nod their heads in agreement.

Reach out to others, develop outside friendships, find the solution to her burning questions on her own. It all comes down to one thing. Your wife is giving the women in the ward too much power to hurt her. All of the above are tactics she can use to take back that power.

[Deepthinker]

Thanks for all the great comments and insight.

She doesn’t feel like she is “loved” by the ward. She doesn’t feel like she is “loved” by God. She knows I love her and I express it to her frequently through words and action.

I can see how she wants an experience like the Bishop’s wife, because it will make her at least feel “loved” by the ward, even though she wouldn’t see that experience as “spiritual”. I’ve thought from early on during my faith transition that she is invested in the church because of the need to feel accepted within a community. Which was not my main reason for investing time to the church.

The real issues are that my wife struggles with responsibility OCD, anxiety, depression, Hashimoto’s, low self-esteem, and body image problems. I tell her all the time how beautiful she is, how much value she has, all her good qualities, her caring and compassion. It doesn’t stick, she brushes it off. Her mind is set on how she sees herself, constantly comparing herself to others and their “perfect” families. She’s looking to the church community for acceptance and love to help with those issues and it just backfires. I’ve had many conversations with her about trying to find ways to increase her self-esteem, to change the way she sees her body, etc. I’ve purchased self-help books that sit by her bedside never opened.

One point last week she started to talk how Bishop won’t pick her to go with the YW for Stake Trek because she’s not “spiritual” enough, she’s not “fun” enough, she’s not “outgoing” enough. I became upset and told her that she needs to talk to a counselor about that, and that I don’t want to hear it. It is so frustrating to see her put herself through this and after all I’ve tried to do to help her, nothing has changed.

I really like the idea of having her take a break from church, and then she can get that attention. We’ve talked about her doing that before, just because she’s come home several times saying how much she hates going to church. The number one problem is that there is a big side effect for her: GUILT.

I just don’t know how to help her.