NOM

I didn't notice before my reply that it is this weekend. Wish I had better advice. If it helps, nobody asked me why I didn't go in. I was prepared with the "left my recommend in California thing" but only really used it on my teenage kids. Nobody else seemed to bat an eye.

IT_Veteran wrote: ↑Tue Dec 11, 2018 1:24 pm I didn't notice before my reply that it is this weekend. Wish I had better advice. If it helps, nobody asked me why I didn't go in. I was prepared with the "left my recommend in California thing" but only really used it on my teenage kids. Nobody else seemed to bat an eye.

I didn't actually admit that the shindig was this weekend until after your post, so...

I'm liking all the suggestions to just be honest, but I don't know if my social-reject personality will allow me to do it without a tiny bit of sarcasm.

"I've graduated from mormonism." Maybe that will be my go-to.

Well, I'm not surprised the underlying theme of honesty trumps my diarrhea suggestion.

Fluffy wrote:Honestly, I've had ~5 years to prepare for this, and so far, I'm doing alright mentally. Again, I'm missing a 5 minute polygamist ceremony.

Ha ha ha ha ha. I love this! You've given me something to seriously consider. I've thought about this over the last 14 years how I will deal with missing my kids weddings. I really considered just lying to get a recommend but don't really want to and can't predict the timing.

I'm really mentally at the point where I just don't care anymore and don't see the need to pretend any longer either.

I admire anyone that has or will have to sit out their own kids wedding.

You're the man Fluffy!!!

Here's a few more passive aggressive remarks.

I'm allergic to white polyester and green silk!
I'm waiting for the all inclusive package.
I can't handle the sealers bad breath.
Has anyone seen my white Booties?

wtfluff wrote: ↑Tue Dec 11, 2018 2:21 pm "I've graduated from mormonism." Maybe that will be my go-to.

That's a pretty good one. I am so sorry you have to go through a child's wedding from the outside -- that just sucks.

I guess some other replies that might not be entirely antagonistic:

"I found out historical and doctrinal issues that have no answers, so I stepped away"

"I don't agree with some of the doctrines of the church and couldn't reconcile them with my beliefs"

"My paradigm shifted after studying the church and I no longer believe."

"Did you know Joseph Smith would bring 14 year old girls to temples like this in secret?"

The last one I would not use... the others are more direct but not outright rude. There are almost no believing Mormons that will ask you a follow-up question, and it makes clear the reason you can't be there isn't about adultery, running an underground porn ring, etc.

jfro18 wrote: ↑Tue Dec 11, 2018 3:10 pm"I found out historical and doctrinal issues that have no answers, so I stepped away"

Ooh. I like this one, except: I mentally checked out of mormonism long before I knew anything about the ugly history or doctrinal issues. Maybe: "I spent most of my life mormoning to the best of my ability, and it Just. Doesn't. Work... So I stepped away."

I'm jokingly thinking of literally taking my favorite replies from this thread and printing a list. If the question gets dropped... "Hold on, I wrote a speech for this..." Find the best reply on the list, read it, and then say: "Oh, look at the clouds." (Insert whatever subject-changing "thing" is in the immediate area for "clouds.")

I'm sorry. This sucks. I don't have any advice or quick witted replies, but I'll say this even though I'm sure everyone here agrees: this is a terrible, terrible thing that the church does. It creates hard feelings and divisions in families, as well as feelings of superiority that affect relationships for years to come. My grandmother (who couldn't attend her child's wedding) never missed an opportunity to tell me that my BIC parent was going to hell for brainwashing her kid and the rest of us. It's one of the first things she told my husband when she met him too, and this was thirty years later.

wtfluff wrote: ↑Tue Dec 11, 2018 8:10 am It's likely that many of these relatives look at my family as the perfect example of the mormon family, when the reality is: We're about as far from that as you can get. That reality is about to smack them up-side the head.

Isn't it amazing at how blinded they are by their own biases they can't see what's right in front of them? They just assume you're one of them and can't comprehend that the truth might be different. Good luck and let us know how things go.

First and foremost, I am sorry that you are having to experience this and go through this. This could be in my future, though so far the eldest two are out. So that is a good thing. Here is how I would consider handling it:

1. Snarky - I enjoy the International House of Pancakes more than the International House of Handshakes...see you after the ceremony, I'm getting food.
2. Passive Agressive - They told me at my second anointing that I didn't have to do all this minutiae anymore.
3. Blunt - Since the church has decided I'm not good enough to be with my family in the eternities I thought I would begin by practicing now.
4. Kind - I wish the couple all of the best. I respect and honor their beliefs, but those beliefs are not mine.
5. Harsh - I will answer your questions about my underwear, if you agree to answer mine questions about yours.
6. Dismissive - Smile and nod...smile and nod.

-Lost

In a way, wtfluff, it's too bad you're done with lying.

"I did what the bishop said and paid three years of back tithing, but then he said he'd only sign my recommend if I paid 10."

"My stake president said my narcolepsy medication is against the Word of Wisdom. I don't get why he's so hung up on methamphetamine."

"I can't wear a bra with a garment top because I get an awful rash."

"My bishop won't sign my recommend until I disavow evolution."

Some more truthful ones...

"I tried to enter in at the strait gate but found that the Lord had actually employed a servant there. So strange."

"The temple isn't open to people who won't stand on a Rameumptom."

"I chose truth over loyalty. It was a terrible choice to have to make."

"Jesus siad NO, he doesn't like the management."

"I drink coffee, and God is choosing to be offended by it."

After an attempted molestetation by a temple president in the sealing room, it is triggering to go back. Maybe someday...

That would end the questions real quick.

Adding my $.02 without reading all the comments.

Send an email/text/call your siblings, relatives, etc. Tell them you won't be present at the ceremony. No explanation needed (of course they will assume porn)

Tell them the special day is about the bride and groom. If anyone cares to discuss the subject further, they can contact you after the wedding.

Play this dumb game with your rules, not the Corporation's.

First of all, congratulations on the marriage of your child, wtfluff. Sorry you are finding yourself in a bad position with judgemental, passive aggressive family members.

My $.02… the only people I would feel obligated to offer some explanation to would be my child – after all, it is their wedding day – and probably my spouse, if needed to keep peace at home. Other than those two individuals, I don’t think you owe any kind of explanation, confession, or whatever you want to call it, to anyone.

Just show up in time for pictures afterward and if family members want to get nosy and pry into the reasons why you did not attend, I really liked your idea about saying “Yeah, I graduated from Mormonism” or something else to keep it light. After all, it is your child’s wedding and it is not about you on that day.

I would probably say something like “Yeah, it’s complicated” and leave it at that. If they really want to know tell them to call you another day and you would be happy to talk – just put the pressure on them to make the first move if they really care to know. Most don’t – they just want something to gossip about while visiting other family members they probably don’t see often. Of the ones who do care, nearly all will lack the ability to understand your view anyway.

Good luck!

Pretty sad how we have to come up with possible excuses because we don't buy into this bullshit. So glad my daughter canceled her temple wedding and later was married up the canyon at the ski resort.

WTF, if I had a TR, I'd loan it to you. (I would seriously consider this if you know anyone) I'm guessing this is one of the biggest shelf breakers for many people, excluding family from weddings. At least it got me started down the path.

This is no fun whatsoever, wtfluff. And yes, you are welcome to borrow my recommend if desired.

But I think you have the right attitude towards a 5 minute polygamist ceremony. I have a cousin who left the church and her story is entertaining, but longer than I would want to relate here. Suffice to say that her daughter got married in the temple about two years ago with giant dose of irony. My cousin was not "worthy" to enter the temple, but her ex-husband was. Adding to the irony was that my cousin had to pay for the event even though she could not attend the ceremony. Her ex-husband was not able to pay for much at all for various reasons that truly do not speak well of the prosperity gospel and the blessings of tithing.

So far this sounds like the most unjust of situations and this was not lost on my dear, apostate cousin. But her attitude remained positive. "I've already seen a temple sealing. It's not going to be a big deal." I was amazed at her attitude and it had the effect of highlighting the problem with temple sealings to anyone who knew the situation. She paid for it but was forbidden from attending. However, she continues to have a close relationship with her married daughter and this leaves some cognitive dissonance with her children and family.

There is a non-zero chance that this might happen to me in the future. And it is about to happen to you this weekend. Don't let this be about your failures. Simply state the fact that the church could change its policies about attending temple sealings or the one year wait penalty, but it has not yet. You may have to practice some responses like, "Oh, I'm worthy. I just don't believe." Then smile, shake their hand, and thank them for attending your daughter's wedding.

Corsair wrote: ↑Wed Dec 12, 2018 9:15 am You may have to practice some responses like, "Oh, I'm worthy. I just don't believe." Then smile, shake their hand, and thank them for attending your daughter's wedding.

Everything Corsair said, but that very plain and simple statement says it all. I like it.

Corsair wrote: ↑Wed Dec 12, 2018 9:15 amHowever, she continues to have a close relationship with her married daughter and this leaves some cognitive dissonance with her children and family.

This really needs to be the goal of this entire idiotic situation: Keep the relationship with the kids intact, and possibly as a side-note, plant some seeds of doubt with the rest of the family.

Corsair wrote: ↑Wed Dec 12, 2018 9:15 am"Oh, I'm worthy. I just don't believe."

That's another reply I really like, but might word it a bit differently: "EVERY decent human on earth is 'worthy' to see their children/relatives/friends get married. I just don't believe."

I like the idea of responding with a question such as "what gossip would you like to entertain?". It loads some shame back onto the one asking. But really nobody will ask. Direct confrontation is usually not the Mormon way, back channels are.

This post is both tragic and excellent all in one!

Here's a few more for fun.

"I had to clean the ward chapel this morning. It was my week and couldn't find a sub".

"The Temple President held me up in the locker room."

"I got lost down in the baptistery and accidentally fell in that giant hot tub."

"A former MTC President was showing me his bedroom in the temple basement."

"I missed it? I was only 10 minutes late which is early for Mormon Standard time"

"My food storage fell on top of my car in the garage."

"I was getting sealed to the Partridge sisters (again)!"

FiveFingerMnemonic wrote: ↑Wed Dec 12, 2018 10:28 amI like the idea of responding with a question such as "what gossip would you like to entertain?". It loads some shame back onto the one asking. But really nobody will ask. Direct confrontation is usually not the Mormon way, back channels are.

That's a really good idea too. "So what rumors have you heard? "