NOM

We had a similar tragedy 2 years ago. Be kind to yourself. Try not to worry about “what if”. Hoping you find peace.

I am so sorry. Mental illness touches each in different ways. My deepest sympathies for your family.

I offer my condolences. I can't add anything to the loving thoughts expressed by others, other than to say I wish we could all give you a big, comforting hug. You are in our thoughts.

I'm so sorry for your loss Sparky. These times are so difficult emotionally and then throwing the navigation of your hidden faith journey adds so much it can be overwhelming.

When I was still fully closeted in my unbelief a dear friend of mine withered away and died of cancer over a 9 month period. Like you say, it was so strange to see loved ones consoling themselves with what I considered fairy tales full of empty hope. I did find my grief was intense, but also healing. I saw the latest Les Miserables a few months before he died and wept through half the movie, especially during "I Dreamed a Dream", a song about a man who left, but there are portions that really hit home when someone dies too young.

I dreamed a dream in times gone by
When hope was high and life worth living
I dreamed, that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving
Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung, no wine untasted

But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tear your hope apart

Feel the pain of your sisters loss, mourn her, remember her, miss her. The feelings will fade with time so don't do your sister's memory the disservice of pushing them aside now. Accept what you did or didn't do for your sister, feel those feelings too, then let them go.

Hang in there through these difficult times. As for telling your mom about your "spiritual death", now probably isn't the time to worry about it.

I am so sorry, Sparky. I cannot imagine the pain your sister and the whole family must have gone through over the last few years, and I am sorry for the added pain after her passing. Hoping everyone will be able to find peace in whatever way they find comforting.

Sparky, I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your sister.

I have survived the suicides of both my brother, who was 43 at the time of his death, and my 17-year-old son. When my brother died I was still a fully-believing and fully committed member -- but my son died in the first year of my faith transition, so I have experienced this from both sides.

When my son died I was posting on NOM a lot. I was surrounded in real life by very caring and supportive friends from church, and yet it meant so much to know that here on the board there was an understanding and acceptance of the complicated emotions I had in processing grief without a "gospel perspective." No fear that the support would fade away if people knew I couldn't believe any more, or that I was accepting their help under false pretenses.

The comment by someone that it is most helpful to understand this as a disease, has been for me the best way. Especially with my son, there are so many ways I could accuse and blame myself -- I try not to start down that road. I even try to avoid the phrasing of "committing" suicide. He died of a physical condition that affected his mental processes.

If you need a listening ear, pm me. My heart aches for you and everyone this touches.

I am so sorry, Sparky, for your family's loss.

I’m so sorry to hear that, Sparky. My deepest condolences.

I can't imagine what this was like to go through, not having experienced anything like this myself, so I'll just offer my condolences.

But I do have some thoughts along this line, which I'll post separately so as to not derail this thread.

I am so sorry. My condolences to you and your family, Sparky. Peace.

Hugs!! I'm so sorry for your loss! I've lost 2 close friends to suicide and there was a period of my life when I was suicidal too. It is just like Fifi said- A physical condition that affects mental processes.

MerrieMiss wrote: ↑Sun Dec 10, 2017 10:28 am
Postpartum depression is real and it is terrible. NBI is right – don’t beat yourself up about it. It’s an illness. I had it more than once, and it was the most terrifying experience of my life. It’s hard to explain how uncontrollable it is and there’s this really perverse part of it where you believe, even “know” (in the Mormon sense of the word, where you know something deeply within yourself that isn’t true) everyone is truly better off without you. The Mormon ideation and glorification of motherhood exacerbates it, I think. It’s important that people don’t blame themselves for her illness, especially her children. I can’t imagine how difficult it is to hear how this experience is a test and making it out to be faith promoting in some way. It isn’t. It’s a terrible, terrible tragedy.

And Amen to this!!^^^

I'm sorry for your loss, Sparky. Hearing this and the other stories shared in this thread breaks my heart. I live with someone who suffers from mental illness and fears of the worst never quite leave the back of my brain. My condolences...

Wow Sparky. I'm so sorry. I wish there was something I could do to help, but having been through several of these horrible losses myself, I realize that there isn't anything I can say or do really that will make much difference. I'm so sorry for your significant loss.

What heartbreaking news - I am so sorry. I can't imagine the pain she was in, and the enormous pain the family feels now. I wish we lived close enough to share real hugs. Please know we are all thinking of you and your family.

So sorry Sparky. I have no words.

I'm so so sorry. If there is any advice I can give, it's to do anything you can to encourage your BIL to go to counseling with your neices/nephews. I failed badly when my exhusband committed suicide in giving our children the option on whether they wanted to go or not. They were in their early teens and I (very mistakenly) assumed they could make that choice.

I wish I could have replied sooner... I want to add my voice to the others and say that I am so sorry to hear about your loss of your sister.

I am not trying to dump my life on top of what you are going through but instead share that I can relate. I have had loss due to suicide and I have family members with mental illness where they battle ideations. It's hard and scary and sometimes you want to throw in the towel too but know you can't. I try to never judge anyone who made that choice... and I hope my children never make that choice...but I know I can't watch them every second of their lives, especially when they become adults. I almost lost my son in January to suicide.... he had the plan and good bye notes.. it could have gone either way that night. I knew he was suffering and had been for a while but I didn't know the extent or if he just needed "tough love" and to learn responsibility through natural consequences....

I am sure Christmas was a challenge for you and your family. Sending hugs to you and warm thougths. It must be so hard for you to listen to your family's way of comforting themselves. Hang in there and know we are reading your posts and even if we don't respond right away, or at all, there are many who are carrying a little bit of your pain in their heart and would hug you for as long as needed if it were possible.