NOM

GiveItUp wrote: When going into a difficult situation (like church), go in with the expectation that you will smile. That's it. No other expectations.

alas wrote: ↑Mon May 29, 2017 7:59 am

Anon70 wrote: ↑Mon May 29, 2017 1:51 am Sometimes when someone posts about having their integrity, I cringe (about my choices / not theirs). Does it means I lack integrity by choosing to keep my lack of belief to online forums and my spouse and kids? I'm choosing a round about path to my destination. I don't say anything I don't believe but I attend, hold a calling, have a TR. Does this make me dishonest?

I certainly hope that it doesn't make you dishonest. I did it for years and now that I am inactive and tell some people that I do not believe, I don't feel more honest, just more open. Not being honest means telling a lie, not being open means not telling people everything about you when it may be none of their business. As long as you don't say things you don't believe, that makes you honest.

And sometimes honesty is not a virtue, like when your wife asks if this dress makes her look fat, or when the Nazies asks if you are hiding any Jews. Sometimes we don't tell the truth in order to protect someone, and that may not be "honest" but it is still the right thing to do.

Integrity is more than just telling the truth. Integrity is acting on your values. Your values may mean that you tell do not tell your wife, that yes, she looks fat in that dress, but tell your wife that she always looks beautiful, and maybe nuance about the dress as she has other clothing that flatter her figure more than this particular dress. That is integrity because your higher value is love and kindness. You acted on your highest value, not one of lesser value.

So, as long as you have reasons for staying below the radar, then you are still acting with integrity. I have not removed my name from church records. That would hurt my husband more than what it accomplishes for me. But I feel I am still acting with integrity because not hurting him is a higher priority than any kind of "statement to the world" (world doesn't care anyway) that I no longer consider myself Mormon.

So, hold your head high and know that you are doing your best to honor the things you hold most dear.

SeeNoEvil wrote: ↑Mon May 29, 2017 11:46 am MerrieMiss I am sorry you are going through this. When I first read your post I immediately thought of a fast in testimony meeting I attended back in the late 1980's. The woman coming up to the pulpit to bare her testimony was in her late 20's. She was the wife of one of the counselors in the bishopric and had 4 children all under the age of 5. She had one child in her arms and another in tow. She reached the spot where her husband sat and handed him the baby and picked up the toddler and planted her in his lap. She turned to the mic and said, "I.Hate.Church." She went on to talk about how she was expected to be there, expected to be that perfect wife and mother and was feeling the burden of parenting all alone while her husband was off doing church things and she felt like she was a failure. I don't remember what else she had to say but you can imagine.

She represented to me all the frustration and anger I felt for things I didn't at the time see or even fully understand but weighed heavily on my shelf. She had all the symptoms of a shelf that was full and cracking. Did she know what we all know about the church? She became my heroine that day. Just as you all are my heroines and heros. I applaud you all for having the strength to recognized your feelings towards the church. We are not cowards, or weak like the church says we are. They fear our strength and fear what they don't understand.

As I read through all the posts here I jotted down some words you all said or agreed that described your church experience: Depressed, Anxiety, Toxic, want to move away, Religious PTSD, has no hold on me, escaping weight of expectations, someday it will be better, has no meaning, frustration, suffering, etc. The list goes on and on. There is much unnecessary pain here. This is one of my biggest gripes in this whole church problem question. It shouldn't matter whether we believe or not. But since it does our lives seem on hold until life opens a space where we can safely make our stand. Until then we need to take care of ourselves and find a way to do those things we don't want to do. Thank you GiveItUp for your story. What a beautiful thing and as you say... so simple! And you have given me a great tool I definitely plan to use.

GiveItUp wrote: When going into a difficult situation (like church), go in with the expectation that you will smile. That's it. No other expectations.

MerrieMiss wrote:
Reading that list of pain and sadness is what makes me want to step away from the church more than anything. If it made people happy, if it made me happy, then it would be worth it. But when I evaluated the happiness the church gives me, I had to admit it doesn't, never had, and I didn't see that changing in the future. "By their fruits ye shall know them." I see a lot of unhappiness all around me when I go to church. Church didn't make me happy, but I always blamed myself for not being enough. Admitting to myself that it wasn't me who had the problem, it was the church was the first step in feeling better. Perhaps some people are getting true happiness or joy from it, but it may be possible that the happiness and joy they get comes from something else, someone else, themselves even(!), and they're giving credit to an organization that exists to make people feel bad so they continue to need the organization.