One Of The Reasons I'm Truant

[Give It Time]

I have been a NOM a long time and I have come to the realization I'm a spiritual person. Now, seeing as how I find most of the doctrine damage and dangerous, that's a tricky dance. I'm not going to address that here. In fact, I probably won't address it at all, because I'm done with that. It's just background information as to why Mormon church attendance is tricky for me. Still, I would attend more, because I would like to hear and discuss spiritual topics and interact with my neighbors. Why do I stay home?

Because the members won't back off!

My son has a testimony, but only attends SM, because the priesthood leaders won't back off!

I don't attend when my son doesn't, because the members let me know both implicitly and explicitly, they think he should be there (even though he's sick). I don't want to make my son look bad by attending when he doesn't, so I don't attend, because the members won't back off!

My son doesn't attend when I have a migraine, because the members let him know, both explicitly and implicitly, they think I should be there. He doesn't go, because the members don't back off!

I was going to stay for another meeting (on rare occasions, I get a hankering), but changed my mind because my son's HT comp wanted to know why my son didn't go home teaching last week (wasn't feeling up to it, very behind on his homework from a recent illness). No expression of understanding from the HT comp when, in actuality, it's none of his business why my son didn't drop everything at the last minute to accommodate his comp in getting the home teaching done just under the wire. I left with my son, because the HT comp didn't mind his own business and back off.

I'm sure there are those who will see, particularly the last one, as choosing to be offended. I choose to see it as having my son's back.

So, there you have it. If the members would just be glad we're there and stop--just stop--with the inquiries as to why we're not, I can't speak for my son, but I'd attend more. Not as much as you'd like, because of that whole doctrinal thing, but more.

[Its_Complicated]

The beatings will continue until you behave and do what others want you to do. It. The gospel of Man, pride and authority ruin the church for people like you and I who are looking for spiritual experiences. By sticking to the Restored Gospel and letting people participate based on their personal circumstances and how they are led, you would have a wonderful church that works for many different kinds of people. There is plenty of good lessons to be learned, scriptures to be shared and discussed, testimony to be built, there is no need for people to hunt you down and remind you what you should and should not be doing.

Until that room to grow is allowed, unfortunately, this church will slip slowly into a fanatically ran institution.

[Give It Time]

There is plenty of good lessons to be learned, scriptures to be shared and discussed, testimony to be built, there is no need for people to hunt you down and remind you what you should and should not be doing.

[This post was done stream of consciousness]

I loved your response, but what I pulled out was really beautiful. Thank you.

Actually, this gives me the idea of redirecting that energy and those good intentions...

I was going to say if they could just take all that and put it into..but then.

I drew a blank.

It occurred to me, they need to let go and be still. Very much like the climactic moment in Indiana Jones And The Last Crusade, where Henry Jones, Sr. is the calm, clear voice of loving reason when his son is about to fall into the abyss, because he won't forsake the chalice. But they need to be like the younger Jones and, "Indiana. Let it go."

I don't know why I've been thinking of that scene so much, lately.

I think my part in this is...

I need to let it go, too.

[Enoch Witty]

It seems like you and I see things very similarly, as voiced in my thread from the other day about my old EQP: viewtopic.php?f=3&t=1007

And it's totally true! If you give members an inch, they'll ask for a foot. Give them a foot and they'll assume they're due all of the miles in your roll (presumably of Bubble Tape?).

[Vlad the Emailer]

All just a reflection of how the "restored gospel" is less gospel and more obedience cult.

The members are all over you about what you and/or your son must do because you must do it! And if you don't, they must remind you!

There are plenty of laws, but all letter and little to no spirit.

[alas]

I think I will refer you over to Oliver's thread where he was cornered in the john, or just repeat the suggestion I gave him. Only your situation is a bit different, so maybe I should start at the beginning.

This is an assertiveness issue. So, I hope you don't mind an assertiveness training lesson here. I used to give such lessons to domestic violence victims All. The. Time. So, I am afraid I have become a bit compulsive about offering them when I see a need.

And you have a right to go to church on your terms without being hassled about how often you or your son choose to attend. So, set the boundary. If people get too obnoxious, you can even state it upfront, "I have a right to attend or stay home as often as I choose."

When this kind of harassment keeps being repeated, it probably means they detect some guilty hesitance on your part. When they detect your "weakness" in not knowing how to respond in a way that tells they need to back off, they move in for the kill. So, you need a short, sweet, conversation stopper.

The home teaching companion situation is a bit different, so I will get back to it. First the spotty or just one of the two of you attendance answer.

When people ask my DH why I don't attend, he answers, "because she doesn't want to." It is kind of a conversation stopper, and it sets a boundary that says my husband will not let the church pressure him into pressuring me. It is a conversation stopper because they know the church has nothing to make someone want to go if they are not being spiritually fed. In your case with your son, if they ask why he doesn't want to attend, you just repeat as many times as necessary. This will remind them that your son is a free agent and can make his own choices about church attendance and that you are not going to pressure him. Tell your son the same answer to give if he wants to go when you do not. Have him practice saying it firmly and assertively and just continue to give that as the only answer until they stop. If he wants to really make them back off, "None of your business," works pretty well. Teach him that he does have permission to answer rudeness with equal rudeness. Demanding to know why someone is not in attendance is rude unless it is your boss or mother asking. For everybody else, it is a boundary violation to butt into someone else's business that way.

But we know about Mormons and boundaries. They lack them.

With the home teaching, your son does have a job he has agreed to do, so to learn to be a responsible adult he needs to work toward doing that duty he agreed to. But the pushiness of his HT comp was, well pushy and rude. You told him why. The YM had been sick and was behind on school work. That is the end of why. You do not need to offer more than an honest reason. But it was not good enough for the rude man, so offer him a suggestion. Look him straight in the eyes and say firmly, "If you want my son to be able to go HTing with you, then you need to schedule early in the month and tell him when the appointments are. Waiting until the end of the month and then expecting him to drop what he needs to do, in order to make up for your poor planning does not work!" That was the second half of the problem, wasn't it? The HT comp waited till the end of the month and then expected your son to drop his life to make up for HT's poor planning. So, throw it back on him.

The HT comp sounds like he is a bully and wants to bully you into bullying your son into HT. Why didn't he ask the YM himself? Because he wanted mom to use her authority over the YM to make him do his HT.

[RubinHighlander]

And it's totally true! If you give members an inch, they'll ask for a foot. Give them a foot and they'll assume they're due all of the miles in your roll (presumably of Bubble Tape?).

According JRH I thought it was a taffy pull? I guess gum works too.

All just a reflection of how the "restored gospel" is less gospel and more obedience cult.

+1

All the reports and stats now to keep track of every step you take or don't take and the PPIs to get you back on track. Mormons are busy bodies and it's all about working out your own salvation and everyone around you. Think about all the charts and things growing up in this church - the stars for passing off your AoF, the merit badges, the Duty to God drudgery, reading programs in the scriptures with x pages per day; it's all about keeping the indoctrination on track and keeping folks in the mainstream narrative.

Stay on track or you'll be living in a van down by the river!

[Give It Time]

I think I will refer you over to Oliver's thread where he was cornered in the john, or just repeat the suggestion I gave him. Only your situation is a bit different, so maybe I should start at the beginning.

This is an assertiveness issue. So, I hope you don't mind an assertiveness training lesson here. I used to give such lessons to domestic violence victims All. The. Time. So, I am afraid I have become a bit compulsive about offering them when I see a need.

And you have a right to go to church on your terms without being hassled about how often you or your son choose to attend. So, set the boundary. If people get too obnoxious, you can even state it upfront, "I have a right to attend or stay home as often as I choose."

When this kind of harassment keeps being repeated, it probably means they detect some guilty hesitance on your part. When they detect your "weakness" in not knowing how to respond in a way that tells they need to back off, they move in for the kill. So, you need a short, sweet, conversation stopper.

The home teaching companion situation is a bit different, so I will get back to it. First the spotty or just one of the two of you attendance answer.

When people ask my DH why I don't attend, he answers, "because she doesn't want to." It is kind of a conversation stopper, and it sets a boundary that says my husband will not let the church pressure him into pressuring me. It is a conversation stopper because they know the church has nothing to make someone want to go if they are not being spiritually fed. In your case with your son, if they ask why he doesn't want to attend, you just repeat as many times as necessary. This will remind them that your son is a free agent and can make his own choices about church attendance and that you are not going to pressure him. Tell your son the same answer to give if he wants to go when you do not. Have him practice saying it firmly and assertively and just continue to give that as the only answer until they stop. If he wants to really make them back off, "None of your business," works pretty well. Teach him that he does have permission to answer rudeness with equal rudeness. Demanding to know why someone is not in attendance is rude unless it is your boss or mother asking. For everybody else, it is a boundary violation to butt into someone else's business that way.

But we know about Mormons and boundaries. They lack them.

With the home teaching, your son does have a job he has agreed to do, so to learn to be a responsible adult he needs to work toward doing that duty he agreed to. But the pushiness of his HT comp was, well pushy and rude. You told him why. The YM had been sick and was behind on school work. That is the end of why. You do not need to offer more than an honest reason. But it was not good enough for the rude man, so offer him a suggestion. Look him straight in the eyes and say firmly, "If you want my son to be able to go HTing with you, then you need to schedule early in the month and tell him when the appointments are. Waiting until the end of the month and then expecting him to drop what he needs to do, in order to make up for your poor planning does not work!" That was the second half of the problem, wasn't it? The HT comp waited till the end of the month and then expected your son to drop his life to make up for HT's poor planning. So, throw it back on him.

The HT comp sounds like he is a bully and wants to bully you into bullying your son into HT. Why didn't he ask the YM himself? Because he wanted mom to use her authority over the YM to make him do his HT.

Actually, the HT asked him in front of me. Here's my "problem". Since, I don't attack people at church and do this stuff, I don't expect others too, either. You know. Golden Rule. But, you're right. He is a bully and he and I have some bad blood. Past experience with this guy, tells me he will bring this up. I will bring up the advance notice thing. Good point about honoring commitments. Frankly, I'd forgotten that aspect in how much I really dislike HT.

[Give It Time]

Actually, I was going to repeat conversations, because I do provide snappy comebacks and my bishop has talked to people (including the HT comp) and they're all been pretty respectful (except the HT comp). That was what triggered the post.

I did tell my bishop about my son and I staying home out of loyalty to each other. That hadn't occurred to him and we both agreed it was a surprising possibility and we both agree that Mormons won't stop this behavior. See, I don't want to give the snappy comeback (which I've done). I don't want to see the uncomfortable look on someone's face as I tell them it's not my place to tell them why my son doesn't attend his class. It's about that Golden Rule thing. I don't want to hurt them, but I do have to assert boundaries and I can see that hurts them. Thing is, if Mormons would quit being so gosh-darned Mormon and climb down out of each others' rear ends, I might be able to go to church without having to constantly mark my territory.

Basically, this is why I think I need to just let it go. I don't want to have to constantly set boundaries. I don't want my time at church to feel like I have to be constantly on guard. However, just accept the fact I need to do this. I might actually find a fun way to do it.