emailed EQP that we're taking a break

[Korihor]

I emailed my EQP that were taking a break from church for a while. No specific reasons, just we need to to get our life back in order.

He knows of some of our struggles. Anyway, he responded with a kind reply that he understands and just wants us to be happy. It's OK if that doesn't include going to church.

So I guess we lucked out on the EQP roulette, but I already knew that.

[AllieOop]

I emailed my EQP that were taking a break from church for a while. No specific reasons, just we need to to get our life back in order.

He knows of some of our struggles. Anyway, he responded with a kind reply that he understands and just wants us to be happy. It's OK if that doesn't include going to church.

So I guess we lucked out on the EQP roulette, but I already knew that.

That's great! He must be one of the "good ones" (what my husband and I call the ones like your EQ president).

We had the same reaction when we talked to our Bishop and told him we were taking a break because that was what we felt was right for our family. We actually never went back, but we've remained friends with him. Our sons are now lab partners in their Chemistry class in college and they were friends in cub scouts...hadn't seen each other for 10 years but are great friends now again. Life is strange sometimes...and breaks are good....

[Korihor]

Rant warning

Well this is f-ing great. Another shit night in the marriage relationship dumpster bin. Honestly, I don't know how my wife and I have stayed together sometimes. If it wasn't for the kids, I'm sure it wouldn't have made it this far. As great as it sounds that my wife has/is leaving church, it's been a shit road on several aspects. Our "eternal marriage covenant" was something that kept us together in tough times. Now that doesn't carry as much weight so the reasons to make it better start to evaporate. It's another fight about the same old shit. I don't even fully understand what the problem is (as usual) and she's upset i don't understand the problem (that's the problem).

Im so tired of this. I love her and because of that i want to fix things. It's just so damn aggregating mixing oil and vinegar all the time. I don't know if soul mates is possible. It seems it works out for a select few and the rest of us are regular schmuks that are born, work and die.

Please don't quite any of this . I'll probably delete it later . I'm sorry to come here and bitch incessantly. You guys are my saviors. I feel like i take so much and fail to give back here.

[MalcolmVillager]

Sorry brother. Sending peace your way. This stuff sucks. I wish I could do more.

[slk]

Sorry, wish I could give you some good advice. Hang in there. Hopefully it'll get better. My wife bas been in a pissy mood on the weekends (the moment she has to start studying for her church lesson) so I called her out on it. Funny how it's made a difference and she doesn't take it out on us as much.

[Its_Complicated]

@Korihor - So sorry to hear about your disagreements with your Wife. We fought about church in our home too, the worst kind of fighting I have ever had. I was the one that wanted to go to church and partake in all the wonderfulness, I was the one that wanted to donate 10% so I can be in the cool kids club, I was the one who took time away from the family to do home teaching, callings and such.. When my Wife said "You should have married one of THEM!", that is when I figured out that I was the selfish one. It was a bad day, filled with all sorts of emotions of worthlessness and pity.

I hope both of you can work together to figure out something that works for both. Sure there is give/take, but both parties have to live with the arrangement. Your family is in my prayers.

[Corsair]

That's a tough road to go down, Korihor. Stabilizing a marriage is not an easy task. For better or worse, the LDS church acts as a stabilizing force. While my marriage has been good for some time, I don't fully feel out of the woods since my dear wife deeply wants to go on a senior mission some day.

[Red Ryder]

Congrats on the email and church break.

You guys should focus on moving into the repair phase now and start building your post mormon life together. I hate to say this but maybe it's time to lay off the NOM, booze, and anger in order to focus on each other. An often ignored part of a faith transition is losing the ability to trust. Lost trust in the church creates a side effect that seeps deep into our psyche and can manifest as lost trust between spouses. You both feel betrayed by the church, but is it possible that some of this betrayal is directed at each other? Deep in the back of her mind, does she blame you for the life disruption?

[SunbeltRed]

Sorry Korihor -

Have you guys tried counseling at all? I have never done marriage counseling but have done personal therapy and I found it very helpful.

Hope things can level out somewhat.

[alas]

Congrats on the email and church break.

You guys should focus on moving into the repair phase now and start building your post mormon life together. I hate to say this but maybe it's time to lay off the NOM, booze, and anger in order to focus on each other. An often ignored part of a faith transition is losing the ability to trust. Lost trust in the church creates a side effect that seeps deep into our psyche and can manifest as lost trust between spouses. You both feel betrayed by the church, but is it possible that some of this betrayal is directed at each other? Deep in the back of her mind, does she blame you for the life disruption?

I think RR may be onto something here. It is at least worth bringing it up as a possibility.

Also, she may be harbors get some resentment at you for "destroying her testimony." I had a friend that I shared with that I didn't really trust Joseph Smith. She hopped on the Internet to try to fix or at least understand my problem in not trusting the prophet. Well, it destroyed her testimony, even though I was careful not to share the real issues. She voiced anger about my not telling her the whole story, but she also voiced anger at me for bringing anything up. She never forgave me for it and we are no longer friends at all. Even though she was heading toward getting herself exed for adultery (not the first, second or even third time) and is much happier outside the church.

My other thought is that you need to help her voice what really is wrong and do not allow her to expect you to read her mind or guess, or just to know because you lover her. Many women have this romantic notion that if the guy loves them, he will just know. They expect it because women get trained to read men emotionally and so she "just knows" those things about you and they expect men to have that same ability.

[Mormorrisey]

Sorry for your rough day. I'd love to give you platitudes that it gets better over time, but no.

It's tough to change directions in the middle of a marriage, methinks, not just when it comes to church issues. You think you know your future spouse while you're dating, but you really don't. I didn't know that this seemingly indepedent woman I was going to marry was in fact rather co-dependent. Sister M didn't know that a guy who she thought was really affectionate and kind had a major temper and got upset quite easily. And on and on. And that's just discovering this crap during the first few years - then you change gears, change belief systems, and whammo, you realize you are two different people, with different visions, goals and the like.

I'm convinced marriages that make it recognize this quickly, negotiate the important stuff and simply bag the rest as unimportant. Those that don't make it just can't do that, and sometimes that's a good thing for the health of the couple; I'm convinced that non-compatability is a real issue. I echo SunbeltRed and maybe counselling could help in figuring this out. We've toyed with it over the years, but usually come to a place of negotiation and bagging, until the next round of angst. And yeah, I think the soulmate vision is largely just crap; romanticized pap that the majority of people can't identify with. Happily ever after may work for some, but most people I know find marriage hard slogging but worth it in the end. Luckily, after 20+ years, I think we both feel our marriage is worth the battle. It seems you feel this way too.

Keep on truckin' pardner.

[Zack Tacorin Dos]

Korihor,

So sorry to hear you're going through a really rough patch right now. I've no advice to offer. Just want you to know I'm thinking about you.

Now regarding this idea that you fail to give back to this community, I hope you don't really see it that way. You're like one of the brothers in the NOM family that everybody just loves to hang with. I can't tell you how many times I've read one of your posts and had a spit-my-drink-out moment or other times that your posts just made me smile when I needed it.

I wish change weren't so damned hard on us individually and on our relationships.

Best wishes bro,
Zack

[Vlad the Emailer]

I'm sorry to come here and Biddy incessantly. You guys are my saviors. I feel like i take so much and fail to give back here.

Well, you do give back, much, so don't worry about that. In the meantime, I am what you've described, anyway, constantly complaining and seeking advice about what to do about TBM DW and most certainly not giving enough back in return. Let's just say I too am glad NOM and all you great people are here!

Good advice is hard to give when you're in exactly the same boat, and DW and I most certainly are in that boat with you two. She just brought up divorce again a few days ago. When she does that it kind of freaks me out and I end up giving much more than receiving when it comes to issues of compromise and wondering why I didn't just say "screw it, divorce may be the only answer. If you think so, just file already and let's move on".

I think the main thing couples do that successfully navigate these treacherous waters is to find out just how bad (or good) things are outside of the church issue. If there is love and commonality outside the church crap, then maybe you can find your lifeboat there and cling to it.

Good luck. We're all here for you and thinking of you.

[No Tof]

Good advice.

Just want to add one more voice of support. FWIW

Hope you and your wife can each find what it is that you need to be happy. Then, that you can find a way to refine your marriage in such a way that will allow you both to fulfill those needs together. Marriage needs to nurture us both with synergy not be an endurance test.

Best of luck to you.