Counter Attack: Think Celestial = Think Polygamy!

[Red Ryder]

Ladies and gentleman, Brothers and Sisters, humans and humanoids… are you tired of feeling beat down, betrayed, upset by the latest words of the Living Prophet, even Russell M. Nelson?

Are you tired of your loved ones shunning you, your home teachers preaching at you, and your instagrams and Facebook feeds flooding you with Think Celestial memes?

Well then I got something for you!

THINK CELESTIAL = THINK POLYGAMY!

Celestial Marriage = Polygamy
Celestial Kingdom = Polygamy
Celestial Underpants = Polygamy
Celestial Dessert = Polygamy
Celestial Porn = Polygamy
Celestial Poontang = Polygamy

The church can’t shake polygamy no matter how often they attempt to distance from their polygamist roots and past denunciations. They hate this eternal connection like President Nelson hates the word Mormon!

We can put an end to this two word caveat and force it to end just as quickly as it started. Every mention of “Think Celestial” needs to be counter attacked with a polygamy comment!

Mom: we as a family beed to think celestial

Us: great idea mom! Eternal Polygamy is going to be awesome!

You get the idea!

Now let’s go print up bumper stickers, T-shirts, and banners and let’s stand on the corner of every Mormon chapel and every Mormon temple and shout from the rooftops! Let’s post memes, YouTube comments, and flood the internet with a counter attack! Let us buy armies and navies, popes and priests, and reign with blood and horror on this earth!!"

THINK CELESTIAL = THINK POLYGAMY!

Mormons will drop it faster than granny’s pair of worn out garmies with a stretched out waistband hits the floor!

[jfro18]

My first thought when I saw people using this line on Twitter was that Joseph Smith literally used this line of thinking to get teenage girls to marry (and have sex with) him - they didn't want to do it, but he asked them to 'Think Celestual' in order to get them to abandon their moral compass and agree to doing this for the promised treasures that Joseph would never have to deliver.

It is an incredibly manipulative and powerful tool to get people to do what they would otherwise never do and you could see it throughout GenCon as the church would say 'if you pay tithing, you'll be blessed' before later saying 'but if you're not blessed now, you will be in the eternities.'

It's all a long game of treasure digging - the only difference is that you can keep members digging their entire lives because you'll never have to deliver those promised blessings for eternity.

[Hagoth]

THINK CELESTIAL = THINK POLYGAMY!

I can almost hear the vinyl cutters and rubber stamp makers grinding to a halt.

Also: THINK CELESTIAL = KEEP SWEET (the two face emojis are caricatures of RMN and Warren Jeffs)

[Hagoth]

Oh, oh, I've got one!

THINK CELESTIAL
(with line drawn through celestial, or grayed out)

[Red Ryder]

Oh, oh, I've got one!

THINK ̶C̶E̶L̶E̶S̶T̶I̶A̶L̶
(with line drawn through celestial, or grayed out)

[moksha]

Could planet K2-18-B possibly be Kolob? The data for the atmospheric composition seem promising. More data will take about a year to analyze, but in the meantime, we could be sending them pinpoint high-frequency broadcasts of Music and the Spoken Word, as well as quotes from Russell M. Nelson.

Think Celestial.

[wtfluff]

The schwag is already being sold:

ThinkCES.jpg (15.11 KiB) Viewed 13774 times

Someone needs to start duplicating all of these, but with the wording: "Think CES-Letter"

[RubinHighlander]

Could planet K2-18-B possibly be Kolob? The data for the atmospheric composition seem promising. More data will take about a year to analyze, but in the meantime, we could be sending them pinpoint high-frequency broadcasts of Music and the Spoken Word, as well as quotes from Russell M. Nelson.

Think Celestial.

If they find the atmosphere full of hot gasses, lots of methane and carbon dioxide, I'd say they found it.

[Just This Guy]

Could planet K2-18-B possibly be Kolob? The data for the atmospheric composition seem promising. More data will take about a year to analyze, but in the meantime, we could be sending them pinpoint high-frequency broadcasts of Music and the Spoken Word, as well as quotes from Russell M. Nelson.

Think Celestial.

Due to distances involved, by the time the signals get to K2-18-B, RMN will be a past profit and therefore only speaking as a man. He must be thrown under the bus in favor of the profit at the time.

[Hagoth]

Could planet K2-18-B possibly be Kolob? The data for the atmospheric composition seem promising. More data will take about a year to analyze, but in the meantime, we could be sending them pinpoint high-frequency broadcasts of Music and the Spoken Word, as well as quotes from Russell M. Nelson.

Think Celestial.

Naw, the star it orbits is a red dwarf, not enough fusion to power the sun through the medium of Kae-e-vanrash. We must keep looking.

You've probably heard my theory about Kolob. In Joshua Sexias Hebrew, the word for dog is spelled Keleb. Sirius, known since ancient times as the Dog Star, is the brightest star in the sky. It seems likely that Joseph would have considered it a very special star, and with a bit of Smith-style riffing Keleb becomes Kolob.

[Hagoth]

Could planet K2-18-B possibly be Kolob? The data for the atmospheric composition seem promising. More data will take about a year to analyze, but in the meantime, we could be sending them pinpoint high-frequency broadcasts of Music and the Spoken Word, as well as quotes from Russell M. Nelson.

Think Celestial.

Naw, the star it orbits is a red dwarf, not enough fusion to power the sun through the medium of Kae-e-vanrash.

[wtfluff]

Oh, oh, I've got one!

THINK ̶C̶E̶L̶E̶S̶T̶I̶A̶L̶
(with line drawn through celestial, or grayed out)

Someone on some other apostate inter-webs "discussion" place is stealing your ideas Mr. Hagoth.

Think.jpg (132.91 KiB) Viewed 13669 times

[Hagoth]

Someone on some other apostate inter-webs "discussion" place is stealing your ideas Mr. Hagoth.

They will bre hearing from my lawyers.

[RubinHighlander]

They will be hearing from my lawyers.

Would that be the law firm of McFunguy and McCosmo?

The angst I feel over mormons abusing the word "Celestial" is probably equivalent to the angst conservative TBMs and their billionaire old guys feel about the gay community stealing the rainbow from Noah.

[Red Ryder]

They will be hearing from my lawyers.

Would that be the law firm of McFunguy and McCosmo?

Beetbox and I went camping with those guys once! Amazing experience worshipping at the Temple of the Sun!

[RubinHighlander]

Beetbox and I went camping with those guys once! Amazing experience worshipping at the Temple of the Sun!

That was indeed one of the most fulfilling temple days I've ever had!