You're only happy because Satan won

[Hagoth]

"You're only happy because Satan won."

This seems to be the favorite new response by TBMS to people who leave the church and proclaim that they feel freer and happier now.

It's been around for a while. The first time I remember seeing it was when Simon Southerton published a letter he received from Vaughn J. Featherstone after he resigned from his calling as a bishop. Featherstone informed Southerton that the reason leaving the church made him feel like a weight had been lifted from him was because the demons who had been harassing him up to that point had finally made their victory and moved on to torment some other poor faithful Mormon.

I have seen people on other forums posting statements with similar sentiments from their TBM loved ones. The general conclusion seems to be, "...you may think you're happier in this life, but it's only temporary!"

So, unless I'm misunderstanding these folks, they're saying that it is normal to feel miserable and unhappy in the church because you are constantly being tormented by Satan. I assume the more devout you are the bigger the target on your head, and the juicer prize for Satan and company. To follow this logic I would have to assume that any active member who claims to be must be suspect, because somehow they are somehow appeasing Satan and his demons enough to leave them alone?

Let's do some math. Anthropologists say there have been as many as 100 billion people on the earth over the course of the human race. Let's include in that number all of the billions more who will be here until the 2nd coming, which is always about 20 years away, right? That number represents 2/3 of the host of heaven in the pre-existence, which means the remaining souls who followed Satan were cast down to earth to serve has his angels would number around 50 billion. They are among us now, all at the same time. Again, just to be safe, let's cut that number in half. The church claims 16 million members. Let's be generous and say half of those are active, faithful members of the LDS church right now. The prime objective of the cast-down Satan followers is to gang up on those poor members and lead them astray. That's a ratio of 25 billion to 8 million.

This means that every single believing Mormon man, woman, and child has a cloud of 3,125 agents of Satan following them around and screaming in their ear every minute of every day, filling their heads with thoughts of all of the alluring sinful things they could do to make them flip from the Light Side to the Dark side. The way people talk about it, it really is an entirely black and white propoiton: either Satan has won, or he is still hammering away at you. The only determining factor that keeps the light switch in the ON position is your ability to say "the LDS church is true."

So, if you are tormented by thousands of demons 24/7, there is a magic spell to make them go away. Just close your eyes and say, "the church is NOT true." Poof!

But it's only temporary!

[Angel]

If you are TBM and happy its because #blessed
If you are TBM and unhappy its because #satan

If you are apostate and happy its because #satanwon
If you are apostate and unhappy its because you are no longer protected/blessed

My TBM mother-in-law lost quite big in stocks despite paying tithing ... while us apostates are doing quite well.. explain that one, does paying tithing help?

Saul/Paul - who is "kicking against the pricks"? I love discussing Saul/Paul with TBM's... Saul was so sure of himself, so sure he was on God's side...

[Hagoth]

If you are TBM and happy its because #blessed
If you are TBM and unhappy its because #satan

If you are apostate and happy its because #satanwon
If you are apostate and unhappy its because you are no longer protected/blessed

I agree that this is the proper TBMish assessment, but the logic is very leaky.

If you are TBM and happy its because #blessed
Despite the forces of hell are raging against you

If you are TBM and unhappy its because #satan
Because of the forces of hell are raging against you

If you are apostate and happy its because #satanwon
Because the forces of hell no longer rage against you

If you are apostate and unhappy its because you are no longer protected/blessed
Since the forces of hell no longer rage against you, it must be the raging of the righteous that you are no longer protected from

[jfro18]

The biggest realization to me is how much more powerful "Satan" is than "God."

If I had someone trying to lure my kid away with weird tactics i'd put a stop to it, yet God is like "yeah that child is gonna pay for eternity because he didn't believe my prophets who were clearly wrong all the time."

What a goofy plan.

[Red Ryder]

My faith really truly began to unwind when I realized Satan wasn’t real.

The infants on thrones episode where Satan just quit and took his ball home may have played into that.

http://infantsonthrones.com/satan-file ... qus_thread

[deacon blues]

Yeah, the Infants on thrones was great. So much old stuff out there that I missed.

[Angel]

Oscar Wilde "If you're going to tell people the truth, you had better make them laugh or they will kill you."

[Cnsl1]

I love your math Hagoth. And your rationale fits with what I used to hear said that the devil has that dude in the bar in his back pocket, so he's spending all his energy trying to tempt the fellow at church.

I used to be scared of Satan. Now I'm scared of serial killers and alligators. You know, real stuff that can hurt you.

We've found the way to fool Satan, though. Here's how to keep Ol Scratch off your back. My 5 step plan.

1. Say three Hail Mormons in the morning, giving him a quick easy victory first thing and letting him know you're no threat.

2. Go Mormon Commando with your undies, that is to say, wear some colorful underwear and leave those silly white things in your drawer. This will show Satan you're not protected so he'll THINK he will be able to get you to do anything he wants.

3. Drink a cup of coffee or tea, making sure you're clear when you're ordering that this is a hot drink not for the body or belly, cuz remember, Lucifer can hear what we say but he can't read our minds. That's above his pay grade.

4. Let drop a profane word while you're driving. There's always some idiot to call an asshole. Remember, you don't have to mean it and they don't have to hear it. This is for Satan.

5. Then finish your day with some nice lovemaking with your spouse, if you have one, making sure you get really nasty and call out God's name once or twice and say "baby I'm gonna love you like the devil!" Satan LOVES that. If you don't have a spouse, just masturbate then pretend to look guilty after cuz remember Satan can see what you're doing and he'll be like, "oh I don't have anything to worry about with this dude!"

THEN, go about doing good, being nice, giving help to those in need and basically following Christ. Satan will NEVER know and you'll be extremely happy cuz man, that crazy red scaley demon with the bifurcated tail who carries a hay fork will finally be off your back.

[RubinHighlander]

So, unless I'm misunderstanding these folks, they're saying that it is normal to feel miserable and unhappy in the church because you are constantly being tormented by Satan.

It's a true statement! I was tutored by Satan and Angles my whole life in TSCC! These made up invisible beings that were always tracking my every move, riddled with guilt, fear, inadequacy, piousness, and so on. If you believe it's real it is to you and this is the Fd up mental game you play being in a cult like that.

Once I allowed myself to entertain the thought they were not real, they dissipated and I was happier than I've every been before. You can choose to live life here, accepting there's no golden palace in an afterlife, or choose to live the way cult tells you too, or at least try, and hope there is a golden palace and happiness on the other side. As for me an my house, we choose this real short life, then back into the cosmic compost we go for a different ride into entropy. Place your bets!

[Hagoth]

...there's no golden palace in an afterlife...

I's settle for golden arches.

[RubinHighlander]

...there's no golden palace in an afterlife...

I's settle for golden arches.

Ha! I admit, I made a stop at McDs last night. We'd been working all day and had no energy left to prep a meal for just the two of us, so gut plugs it was. I don't think I want to see Ronald and friends in the afterlife.

[Wonderment]

5. Then finish your day with some nice lovemaking with your spouse, if you have one, making sure you get really nasty and call out God's name once or twice and say "baby I'm gonna love you like the devil!" Satan LOVES that. If you don't have a spouse, just masturbate then pretend to look guilty after cuz remember Satan can see what you're doing and he'll be like, "oh I don't have anything to worry about with this dude!"

THEN, go about doing good, being nice, giving help to those in need and basically following Christ. Satan will NEVER know and you'll be extremely happy cuz man, that crazy red scaley demon with the bifurcated tail who carries a hay fork will finally be off your back.

This is hilarious !

Something I never understood: If God is all-powerful and all-knowing, then why does Satan have so much power? Why doesn't God diminish Satan's power, rather than taking delight in watching humans struggle with temptation ? What kind of sadistic jerk is God, that young humans are imbued with a fairly strong sexual libido, but if they engage in masturbation (which is pretty normal), then they are considered to be in Satan's throes? There's a lot of issues like this which are nonsense. JMO -- Wndr.

[LSOF]

The best way to get evil spirits to stop harassing you is to realize that they're imaginary.

[moksha]