Update from the Stealths

[stealthbishop]

It's been almost a year since we became semi-active. We attend now and then just to nourish friendships and because of my extended family. It's been a radical journey especially for Ms. Stealth though. The faith transition has left a huge grief/loss hole in her life. She had an overall good experience in the church individually but she left because she could see the damage it did to our children, me, our marriage and other people. So she feels very mixed. She knows she made the right choice but it isn't easy. She has developed very high anxiety and some depression as a result. She's getting a lot of help and she has good support.

I've noticed myself getting angrier at the church as I see her suffering. The fact that it is this hard for people to leave is evidence of the toxicity. I'm very happy other than the suffering of my wife. My life is very much better now. I love that we don't wear garments anymore. But I think it will take a long time for Ms. Stealth to adjust and fill in the gaps of meaning and purpose in her life in a way that is a good fit for her. The hard part is that I am so much further along this path than she is. It's so new and raw for her. But I'm trying to be very supportive and patient. Drinking has been a pressure point for us with me wanting to do it more often and her being much more cautious but I can live without it of course. I did for decades.

I think this upcoming GC will be a big milestone for us. I'm suggesting that we both don't watch it at all. For me, that is super easy. For her it will be really tough. I might need to take her out of town and get her mind off of it.

The level of toxicity is more than I could have imagined. This is so hard. I remember when I first had my faith crisis/transition while I was on here at NOM 1.0 and it was rough. I had mental health symptoms as well but I bounced back quickly. LGBTQ+ allyship really helped me to fill in meaning and purpose in my life. I felt like I had a lot of repenting to do for my blindness in regards to those issues (and other issues too).

Anyways, thanks for listening. I appreciate all of you.

[Red Ryder]

I feel the pain and emotion of your situation Stealth.

Sister Ryder has been dipping her toes into more progressive podcasts and has really started to understand my loss of faith. I’m cautiously optimistic that it will drive her down the rabbit hole but worry about the emotional cost you describe with Ms. stealth. I don’t wish that type of emotional pain on her but god damnit I would love to see her ditch the mind shackles and Jesus jammies.

Please let her know we are rooting for her success and that many people have been through it and come out the other side as gentle, loving, Christians or (insert faith here____).

It’s well worth the emotional turmoil most days.

Just remind her that she has a blank canvas and can paint her new life in bright brilliant colors of HER choice.

I’m grateful your back with this new chapter to share with us. There hasn’t been too many old timers come back after an extended leave from NOM to share their struggles with their spouse getting out. I hope one day I can do the same.

Until then… I’ve got laundry and garments to fold.

Sigh….

[alas]

Envy, envy, envy.

OK, got that out of my system

It might also work, instead of getting out of town and just avoiding conference, to put her on NOM and reading all the comments as we go with MoPage bringing it all to us live so we can dissect it in real time. Just a thought. It might help her see the toxic messages.

[Red Ryder]

Envy, envy, envy.

OK, got that out of my system

It might also work, instead of getting out of town and just avoiding conference, to put her on NOM and reading all the comments as we go with MoPage bringing it all to us live so we can dissect it in real time. Just a thought. It might help her see the toxic messages.

It might scare her into thinking we’re all a bunch of disrespectful anti-Mormons who hate Elder Oaks. Partially true….

[Mormorrisey]

Reading that, stealth, makes me think if I'm subconsciously rooting for Sis M's shelf to retain its titanium edge. Her identity is SO wrapped up with being Mormon, I suspect she would also have a bit of a breakdown if that were removed. That's so tough, and it's great she has your patience and support.

It's not a bad idea to take a nice holiday in April. Replace the toxic memories with nicer ones.

[Hagoth]

The hard part is that I am so much further along this path than she is. It's so new and raw for her.

At least she has a guide to show her where she will be at some point. Best of luck!

[MoPag]

Envy, envy, envy.

OK, got that out of my system

It might also work, instead of getting out of town and just avoiding conference, to put her on NOM and reading all the comments as we go with MoPage bringing it all to us live so we can dissect it in real time. Just a thought. It might help her see the toxic messages.

I'll give her a special shout-out if she wants to join us for NOMference.

[hallew]

It’s been a couple of rough years. I guess you could say I’m PIMO. However, I know I will eventually leave. I’m just biding my time.

I saw a therapist after I broke. She is an active LDS member. She specializes in marriage counseling, but I thought she might be a good alternative since she understands LDS background. I live in the southeastern US so there aren’t hardly any therapists in my area that are also LDS. In hindsight, this might not have been the best decision. I don’t think she knew how to handle me; she’s ended up bearing her testimony a few times on certain things—think I have struck a nerve or two.

If your wife sees a therapist, then you may want to find someone who is familiar with LDS doctrine/culture, but maybe not TBM status.
Since I mainly suffer from what I call the 4 Ps (polygamy, patriarchy, priesthood, and prophets—all not very friendly, if you are a woman). I have tried to find certain individuals who have information and insight on these topics.

I have enjoyed following some progmos and exmos via social media and podcasts to help with coping.

I have set boundaries at church. I recently told our YW president with everything going on in my life I would not be able to attend weekly YW activities. That now may be a good time to release me and call someone new since girl’s camp is coming up and I will not be able to take off work in June. I have been a YW advisor for almost 5 years. I am trying to distance myself from any callings.

I won’t watch GC; haven’t the past couple of years. I find it overbearing and saddening—only 3-4 women speakers is just more confirmation about my place in TSCC.

Church doctrine and its patriarchal structure was causing conflict with my relationship to divinity. I have decided to not let Mormonism rob me of my spirituality. I have focused on other Christian sources and the NT to keep a belief open.

With the pushing of my husband, I finally applied to grad school. I had been wanting to go back for over 10 years. However, with little kids, constant change, and not knowing what I wanted to study I had been putting it off. If I get accepted, then I will start the Master of Social Work program. I will quit my job and go full time to graduate in two years. Then I will work toward licensure to be LCSW which will take another two years. I can then start practicing as a therapist before I hit the big 4-0!

I think having a hobby or goal can really help bring your mental health and self-esteem/worth to a better place—especially when your faith has suffered.

[stealthbishop]

Hey thanks to everyone who posted and/or read. Much appreciated. Really appreciate your comments and I'll pass them on to Ms. Stealth as well. I definitely use NOM as a resource and if we don't watch GC then I will get my summaries from here and pass them on to DW. Hopefully we have a nice weekend that weekend either way. Not sure how triggering it will be for her. Sundays are usually very hard for her in general.

She has a therapist but she is not competent in the culture of Mormonism. She's great in every other way but just doesn't get it and we live in an area where there aren't many therapists who are competent in Mormon culture. She also has worked with a faith crisis/transition coach who knows Mormon culture inside and out and she is very good and so that helps to fill in the gaps in therapy.

I'll keep everyone updated on our journey. I like being back when I can. I have always loved NOM. Thanks again!

[Red Ryder]

I think a recipe for a successful transition out of the church looks like this:

6 cups of dilution (weekend activities of your choice)
8 cups of “think freely” about whatever is on your mind
0 cups of guilt.
4 cups of free time.
5 cups of patience.
12 cups of coffee
8 gallons of love
4 scoops of ice cream (why not make it a double)
2 adults committed to their relationships
1 teaspoons of healthy skepticism.

Throw in a 1/2 tablespoon of “I don’t give a crap what others think…” for taste as required.

Bake for any amount of time necessary at any temperature of your choice.

Check your temperature regularly.

Share yourself with new found friends and enjoy life to the fullest in new meaningful ways.

[Enough 2.0]

It sounds like some of your marriages/spouses have changed … a little or a lot… I can hardly imagine Brother Enough even beginning to allow NOM-type thinking in. How would it be???

[stealthbishop]

It sounds like some of your marriages/spouses have changed … a little or a lot… I can hardly imagine Brother Enough even beginning to allow NOM-type thinking in. How would it be???

I have to say that it is miraculous. NEVER thought it would happen to my wife. Not her. Not in a million years. It's like winning the lottery. But she really struggles. 2 steps forward and 1 step back. Very painful for her.

[Mackman]

I envy all of you who have spouses who are starting to "get it". Mrs Mackman is truly a die hard Mormon . At times I think maybe she is starting to get it but other times not so much making our marriage of 44 years difficult. We have a few minor victories like she allowed my coffee machine in the house, accepts me drinking coffee and at times she is starting to throw criticism at the local leaders. It has been a Nuclear battle just to get this far. I can only hope for the future !!! I was also on NOM 1.0 under a different name just throwing that out there.

[Meilingkie]

Yeah, it's hard transitioning out.
It took me the better part of a decade.

But Mrs. Meilingkie did it in a massive dam-burst.
When she was done she was done, soon after she was no longer Mrs. Meilingkie either.
She has turned into a very hard-drinking, Church-hating partygirl.
Broke off all contact with Church-members and "so-called friends"
She has lost almost all contact with her family, parents and siblings as well.

Interesting to see now, 4 years on how that all went.

[stealthbishop]

Yeah, it's hard transitioning out.
It took me the better part of a decade.

But Mrs. Meilingkie did it in a massive dam-burst.
When she was done she was done, soon after she was no longer Mrs. Meilingkie either.
She has turned into a very hard-drinking, Church-hating partygirl.
Broke off all contact with Church-members and "so-called friends"
She has lost almost all contact with her family, parents and siblings as well.

Interesting to see now, 4 years on how that all went.

Oh Wow!! That's a radical shift! That must have been perhaps really hard or painful to deal with I imagine!

[Just This Guy]

I think this upcoming GC will be a big milestone for us. I'm suggesting that we both don't watch it at all. For me, that is super easy. For her it will be really tough. I might need to take her out of town and get her mind off of it.

Just a suggestion, but take the DW out for a day or two visiting the Church of the Great Blue Dome.

I found it was easier to break from church by going out to the outdoors. For many people it's an easier thing to accept to missing a church meeting if they out outside in the sun.

[stealthbishop]

I think this upcoming GC will be a big milestone for us. I'm suggesting that we both don't watch it at all. For me, that is super easy. For her it will be really tough. I might need to take her out of town and get her mind off of it.

Just a suggestion, but take the DW out for a day or two visiting the Church of the Great Blue Dome.

I found it was easier to break from church by going out to the outdoors. For many people it's an easier thing to accept to missing a church meeting if they out outside in the sun.

I think she would actually like that. One of her highest values is nature. Good idea!!! Thanks!