Social Interactions

[Angel]

So.... there was a situation at work where kids were being hurt by leadership (I'm a professor), and I was triggered because of my past experience at church (child molester leader). I thought I had this triggering stuff under control, and unfortunately it is still there. The situation at work was not nearly as bad as the situation at church, and I apologized to 2 of the 3 higher-ups at work that were involved. They do not know my history with the church, or what is triggering to me - one of the people involved is now my direct higher-up, and I am wondering if I should let them know my background or not. I'm on a hiring committee - we're doing all these interviews, and one of the questions is "What should your employer know about you." I do not know if there would be more or less friction if this particular person understands... I get triggered when kids get hurt by leadership.

I work with low-income, first-in-their-family to get a college degree, immigrants, PTSD vets - at-risk students. I get rather .... protective over them and our program, that our program is respected by local universities, that our classes transfer. If a university tells these kids who have sacrificed so much - they have to re-take a large number of classes (which are protected under state law for transfer - and laws are ignored), and college admin is more concerned with making themselves look good signing deals with universities than protecting our classes and our programs - yea - I rather let them have it. There is a lot of corruption in the world, I get it, higher-education is a business for some, it is the goal of some to get as much $ as they can out of students, keep them there for 10 years, make them re-take classes, screw them over. Once again, I cannot change "the system". There are good guys and bad guys - I let students know which universities are "good guys", where they will not have to re-take or spend extra years. My admin wants me to promote and advertise the "bad guys" and I will not do it.

Anyways, what is your opinion? Should I let my new Dean know I get triggered when leadership hurts kids? Should he know my back-story? Should they know I put someone in jail, left an organization over this stuff?

Haha - one of the "bad guys" actually offered me a job... think it would be more prestigious for me to work for their .... privileged school. They do not understand who I am or why I chose the job I have. I'm not interested in titles or prestige, that crap makes my skin crawl.

God. I thought after years, he's in jail, I thought it wasn't under my skin anymore, but there it is, still there.

[Red Ryder]

I always skip the Mormon background information.

I feel like people don’t understand and then you have to spend emotional energy explaining the nuance of Mormonism and why it messed you up. People think your damaged and feel sorry for you. For work situations, the vulnerable always get eaten alive and are seen as weak. Always position yourself as strong and confident. I know that’s counterintuitive sometimes, but that’s how I’ve perceived business relationships work.

I think you can still have the conversation at a high level without the details and set boundaries under the guise of student protection. That will still show your integrity but without the weird “former Mormon” label etc.

It’s your integrity you are demonstrating and that’s respectable to your colleagues in any situation.

Let us know how you handle this.

[alas]

I always skip the Mormon background information.

I feel like people don’t understand and then you have to spend emotional energy explaining the nuance of Mormonism and why it messed you up. People think your damaged and feel sorry for you. For work situations, the vulnerable always get eaten alive and are seen as weak. Always position yourself as strong and confident. I know that’s counterintuitive sometimes, but that’s how I’ve perceived business relationships work.

I think you can still have the conversation at a high level without the details and set boundaries under the guise of student protection. That will still show your integrity but without the weird “former Mormon” label etc.

It’s your integrity you are demonstrating and that’s respectable to your colleagues in any situation.

Let us know how you handle this.

I agree with Red. Explain it as defending the students, not your personal background. You never know where the information ends up and it will end up in the hands of the bad guys who will put it as your personal weakness, rather than strength you gained by going through crap. People forget that getting through the hard stuff is like exercising, it makes you strong. They only see it as you are covered in scars. But scar tissue is stronger than muscles that sit around figuring out how to screw people over. That is a real weakness.

I have twice been hurt professionally when people found out my background. One was accidental and the other ask and I thought I could trust him with the information. Nope. Best to say that you just can’t stand to see the hardworking students harmed. That is your strength.

[Angel]

Thank you. I guess I just needed to vent somewhere, better here than at work haha. Luckily quite a few of us STEM people give admin trouble - a few faculty on the autism spectrum in stem, not trained in the fine arts of communication - cold calculating types . I'm slowly learning to gather my ppl and go into these battles as a group, rather than just me.

Serenity prayer - what you can change, what you cannot change.

Wear a suit, look them in the eye, pleasantries about the local sports team, casually mension hurting students, more pleasantries- compliments, flip it to their advantage to stand up for students - more compliments - smiles all around, stay detached, no unpleasant emotions, have to be one of the 'good old boys' club and twist it to them .... lessons from church and job.