Attending my Daughter's Temple Wedding?

[Deepthinker]

I'm struggling with two options right now:

1. Attend my daughter's wedding since I have a current recommend, even though I don't believe JS was a prophet and I haven't paid tithing in months.

2. Don't attend my daughter's temple wedding ceremony and be there for the ring ceremony after.

I have told my daughter that I will do everything I can to be in the temple with her, but that I might now be there, and that if I'm not it isn't because I don't love and support her...I love and fully support her.

The thought of not being there for her actual wedding seriously depresses me. I imagine that day, with me sitting outside the temple while she's getting married and I can't help but to feel that pain and begin to cry.

I also don't want to pretend I'm fully believing either.

[wtfluff]

Honestly, to me there's only one question here that matters: Does your daughter want you there?

It seems she understands your state of disbelief, so if she wants you there, then nothing else really matters.

"The Church" has pretended to be True™ for your entire lifetime. You still have a golden ticket. If your daughter wants you there, then go. Don't let "guilt" about "pretending to believe" or LD$-Inc or anyone or anything else get between you and your daughter.





And... Since I went through this myself fairly recently ("on the outside,") one thing that helped me was realizing that I was literally only missing a short, creepy, polygamist cult "sealing." I literally pointed out to my child that the ring ceremony was going to be more memorable because of photos, videos, etc. and that they would actually remember it, unlike the "sealing."

[Linked]

I'm sorry Deepthinker, that really sucks. This is one of those situations where former believers just have 2 bad choices. Which do you think you would regret more? Missing your daughter's sealing or compromising your morals to be there?

I think WTFluff has a great point too about whether or not your daughter wants you there (which is another terrible thing to have to think about).

Good luck! Ultimately there is no right or wrong answer, so don't stress too much. Let us know what you end up doing.

[Red Ryder]

Just go.

Hasn’t the church stolen enough from us?

Why let them take away the chance to see your daughter get married.

You got the ticket.

So go.

[Fifi de la Vergne]

I sat out for my son's wedding a couple of years ago and it was hard, although neither of my other grown children were there either so I didn't feel so alone on the outside.

When I was moaning to some non LDS coworkers about this, it somehow came up that the temple sealing ceremony wasn't at all like a traditional wedding. They googled pictures of the sealing rooms and when I described the temple sealing ceremony, they became quite a bit more dismissive of what I'd be missing out on - as WTF says, a "a short, creepy, polygamist cult "sealing." I was surprised at this perspective but it was also validating that (for me) I'd made the right choice.

I think you're justified in whichever decision you make. Taking your daughter's feeling into account, I would base it on which decision you would regret the most, and only you can know that.

[wtfluff]

I sat out for my son's wedding a couple of years ago and it was hard, although neither of my other grown children were there either so I didn't feel so alone on the outside.

Oh yeah. I guess I should also mention that my other kids didn't get to go to their oldest sibling's sealing either. They weren't "worthy." And by that statement I mean, they weren't old enough to have been "endowed."

The brainwashing makes me forget how heinous it is that the MORmON church doesn't allow many, many siblings and young relatives of happy couples to go to the "MORmON weddings."

[Deepthinker]

Honestly, to me there's only one question here that matters: Does your daughter want you there?

It seems she understands your state of disbelief, so if she wants you there, then nothing else really matters.

"The Church" has pretended to be True™ for your entire lifetime. You still have a golden ticket. If your daughter wants you there, then go. Don't let "guilt" about "pretending to believe" or LD$-Inc or anyone or anything else get between you and your daughter.





And... Since I went through this myself fairly recently ("on the outside,") one thing that helped me was realizing that I was literally only missing a short, creepy, polygamist cult "sealing." I literally pointed out to my child that the ring ceremony was going to be more memorable because of photos, videos, etc. and that they would actually remember it, unlike the "sealing."

Thank you...that definitely is a perspective that helps me decide. She really does want me there, I know that. I'm sorry you sat outside for one of your kid's wedding, but so glad you were able to realize what the temple ceremony really is...no mention of love or honoring or supporting or taking care of one another.

[Deepthinker]

I'm sorry Deepthinker, that really sucks. This is one of those situations where former believers just have 2 bad choices. Which do you think you would regret more? Missing your daughter's sealing or compromising your morals to be there?

I think WTFluff has a great point too about whether or not your daughter wants you there (which is another terrible thing to have to think about).

Good luck! Ultimately there is no right or wrong answer, so don't stress too much. Let us know what you end up doing.

Thanks Linked! I'm leaning toward attending her wedding. One issue is that my wife has "shamed" me by saying I'm not "worthy" to go. She's backed off that recently, but still I know how she feels about it.

[Deepthinker]

Just go.

Hasn’t the church stolen enough from us?

Why let them take away the chance to see your daughter get married.

You got the ticket.

So go.

Thanks RR! I am thinking I'll go.

It reminds me of this one lady in our ward who started to come back to church, worked toward getting her recommend and was able to get it, and then she attends her daughter's temple wedding. She came to church for a few months after that, but then stopped coming. It was clear to me, that she just wanted to attend her daughter's wedding and my heart went out to her, because I completely understand.

[Deepthinker]

I sat out for my son's wedding a couple of years ago and it was hard, although neither of my other grown children were there either so I didn't feel so alone on the outside.

When I was moaning to some non LDS coworkers about this, it somehow came up that the temple sealing ceremony wasn't at all like a traditional wedding. They googled pictures of the sealing rooms and when I described the temple sealing ceremony, they became quite a bit more dismissive of what I'd be missing out on - as WTF says, a "a short, creepy, polygamist cult "sealing." I was surprised at this perspective but it was also validating that (for me) I'd made the right choice.

I think you're justified in whichever decision you make. Taking your daughter's feeling into account, I would base it on which decision you would regret the most, and only you can know that.

Thank you, I'm so sorry you went through that. Like you, though, my two oldest aren't "worthy" to go to their sister's wedding either and I could sit outside with them. I know I won't be alone.

[græy]

Just go.

Hasn’t the church stolen enough from us?

Why let them take away the chance to see your daughter get married.

You got the ticket.

So go.

I agree with RR. The church spent our entire lives teaching us to be honest and have integrity, only to find that it doesn't practice honesty of have integrity itself. I do strive to be honest with my fellow man, but I feel no remorse not playing by the rules in regards to an organization that won't follow the rules itself. Especially when once in a lifetime family events are on the line.

You raised her. You loved her. You should be there for her.

[Not Buying It]

You literally paid cold, hard cash for access to the temple. Take what you paid for. I think it would be tragic to miss her wedding out of some kind of misguided sense of principle.

Look at it this way - the Church doesn’t deserve to be taken seriously. If you miss the wedding because you feel like you are being a phony if you go, it shows you are taking it far more seriously than it deserves to be taken. A fifth grade graduation ceremony is as eternally efficacious as a temple marriage ceremony. You wouldn’t worry about whether you should go to the former, treat the other with the same level of seriousness.

Go and don’t think twice about it, you’ve given the Church more thought on this than it deserves.

[Red Ryder]

I’ll add one more thing.

The church has changed the rules so that a civil wedding followed by the sealing is acceptable.

Perhaps you can convince her to have a normal wedding first. Hell, you could even get a certificate and marry them yourself! How cool would that be?

[wtfluff]

One issue is that my wife has "shamed" me by saying I'm not "worthy" to go. She's backed off that recently, but still I know how she feels about it.

The majority of parents on planet earth are "worthy" to attend their kids weddings.

Feel free to tell your wife that a random fluffy internet stranger "said so" Deepthinker.

[River Morgan2]

Just one more opinion that isn't worth much. But my first thought was this is not your wife's day. It's your daughter's day. And if your daughter wants you there and you want to be there, that's where you should be.

FWIW,
River

[Hagoth]

When I still had a recommend I looked at it this way: it's my temple as much as anybody else's. I paid a hefty amount to build these things and to buy the privilege of attending, I can go and sit there and feel and think about whatever I want. Even when my wife knew I didn't believe any of it she appreciated me going with her and standing in as proxy for her ancestors. Now I can't go because of stupid things like coffee and believing that RMN's lack of prophetic ability tells me that he's not really a prophet.

So yeah, smoke if you've got 'em (speaking metaphorically, of course).

[Hagoth]

I also don't want to pretend I'm fully believing either.

Probably about 1/3 of the other people there fall into that category. And about half of them aren't "worthy" in the eyes of some church leaders.

[Deepthinker]

You literally paid cold, hard cash for access to the temple. Take what you paid for. I think it would be tragic to miss her wedding out of some kind of misguided sense of principle.

Look at it this way - the Church doesn’t deserve to be taken seriously. If you miss the wedding because you feel like you are being a phony if you go, it shows you are taking it far more seriously than it deserves to be taken. A fifth grade graduation ceremony is as eternally efficacious as a temple marriage ceremony. You wouldn’t worry about whether you should go to the former, treat the other with the same level of seriousness.

Go and don’t think twice about it, you’ve given the Church more thought on this than it deserves.

You're right, just reading what you wrote it makes sense. My problem is that I have always taken the church seriously.

It isn't worth missing out on her wedding.

[Deepthinker]

Just one more opinion that isn't worth much. But my first thought was this is not your wife's day. It's your daughter's day. And if your daughter wants you there and you want to be there, that's where you should be.

FWIW,
River

I do value your opinion, there's experience and caring behind it I can tell.

[Deepthinker]

When I still had a recommend I looked at it this way: it's my temple as much as anybody else's. I paid a hefty amount to build these things and to buy the privilege of attending, I can go and sit there and feel and think about whatever I want. Even when my wife knew I didn't believe any of it she appreciated me going with her and standing in as proxy for her ancestors. Now I can't go because of stupid things like coffee and believing that RMN's lack of prophetic ability tells me that he's not really a prophet.

So yeah, smoke if you've got 'em (speaking metaphorically, of course).

I made the mistake of adding up the amount of tithing I've paid over the years...