Will it be a softer, kinder general conference?

[MoPag]

Here’s how I see it going down:

First Presidency will be in one of those stake conference video chapels sitting 6 feet apart. Sorry, 2 meters apart (it’s a world wide church).

Conference will start as usual with Oaks presiding every sesh by default. He will introduce the conference and kiss the ring finger of President Nelson smirking that this was prophesied to be unlike any other conference.

When it’s time for the opening song, Eyering will walk off camera and come back with one of those giant 1980’s boom boxes on his shoulder. He will struggle to set it down in front of his big red chair but manage without breaking it. He will then struggle to push the play button for 35 seconds, all the while Oaks will lose patience with him and stomp over yelling “Damnit Hank! Just push the button!”

Hank will push the play button and the sound of his 1980’s MoTab Choir mix tape will play the opening song. After the opening song finishes, the camera will pan over to the microphone and pulpit only to find Hank hasn’t made it yet. The camera pans back to find Hank with his eyes closed seemingly replaying the MoTab’s 1982 Christmas in Israel album I his head. Oaks throws his shoe and Hank ducks in time, waddles to the microphone and says a long talk prayer. Oaks is caught on screen murmuring under his breath.

Oaks then graciously thanks Hank for the music and prayer. Then announces the remaining half of the conference session.

First speak will be Elder Bednar. The Skype video connects and Elder B is seen on screen combing his hair again trying to get it perfect. Seen on the mirror, you can tell he is in his blue suit, white shirt, red tie, and no pants on. Standing their in nothing but his black socks, mesh garment bottoms, and his suit jacket, he runs over and sits down in his giant red replica of his apostle chair. You can’t tell he’s not wearing any pants, but the members know. Oaks murmurs “Dammit David, we practiced this. Leave the hair alone and stay in your chair!” Elder B gives a talk on the important of food storage including the appropriate bottling temperature of pickle jars.

Next up is Elder Gong, sitting in his big red replica chair at home. He praises Elder Bednar, Elder Oaks, and President Nelson. Then spends the next 14 minutes explaining that he is not Chinese, isn’t contagious, has severe spring allergies, says he isn’t contagious, he Loves the Lord, mentions again he’s not contagious, and reiterates his love for President Nelson and Wendy. Then he notes again he’s not contagious, he’s not from China, and the Lord will bless us as we are obedient to the shelter in. Then he ends with a giant sneeze!! aaaachooooo! I’m NoT contagious, he yells as the video cuts off and the FP appears on the screen.

Next up is another song by the MoTab choir. This time Oaks walks over and grabs the boom box from Hank’s feet and pushes the button. Suddenly a loud bass beat drops... I like big butts and i can not lie, my other brothers can’t deny! I like them big, and round, and juicy! I get spruuuuuung! Members around the world begin to sing in unison before Oaks pushes stop. This time he pushes the other side of the dual cassette tape and Motab again plays appropriately.

After the rest song, Nelson gets up and shuffles to the podium where he congratulates the members for participating in a historic never before seen general conference. He speaks about the last days, reassuring everyone that Moroni’s trumpet will be reattached by worthy construction workers holding a current temple recommend. He then proceeds to prime everyone’s curiosity by announcing that more adjustments to church policy will be coming in the Sunday afternoon session.

The closing song is played on the boom box featuring an unknown elder of the seventy.

Stay tuned for the next session of conference.

Dear Goddess...please let this actually happen!!!!

[MoPag]

Mormons are flooding FB with invites to gc because it's going to be such a positive, uplifting experience. Any chance the powers that be will actually make that happen? Or will it be the same bigoted, patriarchial, outdated celebration of JS and the fictional 1950s nuclear family that it usually is?

Looks like they might be trolling for bored, trapped-at-home Jack Mormons and non-Mormons.

yes

And the phrase "hearing the word" That is a really Southern evangelical Christian term. They are fishing everywhere.

[wtfluff]

I'm half expecting, half hoping that Nelson will say something similar to, "When I said that this conference would be special, I didn't mean like this." and then grin and pause for the General Conference Laughter™ to die down, except there won't be any laughter unless they add a laugh track. Still, I do half expect a moment like that. Maybe I'm naive.

It would be infinitely hilarious if they did add a laugh-track, but I don't think they're that stupid. Time will tell though.

It just hit me that there will be a "few" people in the auditorium. (At least the clowns in the 1st prezidancy?) They'll likely have a camera focused on every person there, so that they can cut to Oaks' forced giggle when Rusty tells a stupid "joke" and pauses... Sadly, Eyring will likely be staring, mouth agape into empty space the entire time he isn't speaking.

They also have the option of putting remote cameras in the homes of believers - the perfect MORmON family, all dressed in their church-clone outfits, sitting on their couch at home, laughing at appropriate times for the cameras to cover.

Maybe I should quit giving them ideas... Long, boring, droning speeches with no cutting away to anything else might show believers how mind-numbing it all is.

[deacon blues]

I predict a talk that compares the corona virus to criticism of the Church, and tells members to keep their distance.

[Exiled]

I predict a talk that compares the corona virus to criticism of the Church, and tells members to keep their distance.

Guaranteed laugh line. My guess is Holland uses it. However, I forgot there won't be an audience. Maybe a laugh track will be used after all?

[græy]

Here’s how I see it going down:

First Presidency will be in one of those stake conference video chapels sitting 6 feet apart. Sorry, 2 meters apart (it’s a world wide church).
...

Dear Goddess...please let this actually happen!!!!

Agreed. This would be gold!

[græy]

Has your place of worship closed its doors?

For the record, most non-mormon church in my city/state are doing broadcast services. Members tune in every Sunday. The Mormon church so far as I'm aware, is the only one putting the onus on the members themselves to do at-home church. Thus if anyone is missing sunday services, it is only the TBMs amongst us.

I for one, do not miss going to church. Not even a little bit. I do miss a few restaurants. I miss my weekly indoor men's competitive soccer games. I even miss coaching my kid's soccer team. But church meetings? Good riddance. At this point, I'm not sure how I'll ever manage to go back!

[Hagoth]

They live in fear of the day when some researcher finds that indisputable smoking gun that even THEY can't ignore.

I dunno, Rider, they have a pretty good track record of not only ignoring an impressive mountain of evidence, but also of making others feel shame for even considering it.

I really wish I could hear the voices in the Q15's heads. I suspect they break down into three general camps:

1) The sociopath types like Oaks and Bednar, and probably Nelson, who are endlessly dazzled by their own importance and authority, and in need of constant adoration.

2)Those who are caught in a tug-of-war between their royal standing and a degree of cognitive dissonance that we can't comprehend, but who are too painted into a corner to even consider doing anything about it, e.g. Holland and Uchtdorf.

4) The sincerely church-broke who are just so thrilled to be part of the greatest club in the history of the world they have to constantly pinch themselves.

[jfro18]

I'm half expecting, half hoping that Nelson will say something similar to, "When I said that this conference would be special, I didn't mean like this." and then grin and pause for the General Conference Laughter™

That would really be refreshing. Based on his past performance I kinda expect it to be more like, "I said this conference would be special. Aren't you glad you live in the latter-days when we have ongoing guidance from our Heavenly Father?"

If Nelson does this I might tell me wife I'm resigning.

I don't know why *that* would do it, but it would be my only way to give the finger to the church for saying something so grossly irresponsible and ridiculous.

[Hagoth]

I'm half expecting, half hoping that Nelson will say something similar to, "When I said that this conference would be special, I didn't mean like this." and then grin and pause for the General Conference Laughter™

That would really be refreshing. Based on his past performance I kinda expect it to be more like, "I said this conference would be special. Aren't you glad you live in the latter-days when we have ongoing guidance from our Heavenly Father?"

If Nelson does this I might tell me wife I'm resigning.

I don't know why *that* would do it, but it would be my only way to give the finger to the church for saying something so grossly irresponsible and ridiculous.

On second thought Nelson probably won't say this. Every other speaker will say it for him. Social distancing will, however, prevent lips from making physical contact with butts.

[jfro18]

On second thought Nelson probably won't say this. Every other speaker will say it for him. Social distancing will, however, prevent lips from making physical contact with butts.

You are correct. That way members could talk about how humble their prophet is while the others giving talks slobber all over him... just waiting until everyone older then they are dies so they could have others lavish them with worship... sorry praise at future GenCons.

[DPRoberts]

I predict a talk that compares the corona virus to criticism of the Church, and tells members to keep their distance.

Guaranteed laugh line. My guess is Holland uses it. However, I forgot there won't be an audience. Maybe a laugh track will be used after all?

I think the analogy is a given and the question is who will pull it out. I'm gonna go with Bednar unless Kevin Pearson is on the roster.