WON; TOO; FREE

[Abinidied]

Sorry. This will be a little long. I came out of the very dark church closet this weekend so . . won, too, free! Ready or not, now I'm done!!! (This will make more sense if you read to the end). I have to say that in spite of all the horrifying imaginings I had collected over the past couple of weeks, it was a very smooth hand-off. Had a good 60 min. visit with my bishop. It blind-sided him, but he was very respectful. I decided to detail what happened in hopes that somebody out there may find a fragment of these events useful if they are considering doing what I did.

When I sat down with my bishop, he immediately recognized my countenance was darker and the mantle of my spirit had left me an empty shell of my former glorified self. (insert a laughing emoji of your choice here). He did pick up on my mood and could tell out the gate I had something serious to discuss. I simply said something like, "I did not invite you here today because you are the bishop, but because you are my friend and I want to be completely honest, transparent, and express my humble gratitude for your continued support. I suppose I've never needed it more than I do now knowing you won’t have answers, but knowing you do have a genuine regard and love for me.” As expected, this ramped up the Richter reading on his frazzled nerve-endings scale into double digits. I immediately felt bad I was putting him in a difficult situation and wanted to bag the whole thing. In spite of that, I just jumped straight in and said, "You probably know I've had some challenges lately with the church. For many years, I've been setting this and that on the shelf assuming it would be addressed in the hereafter. Well, my shelf came crashing down like it has with a lot of dedicated members trying to find answers to challenging church historical and philosophical incongruence. It wasn't a single thing that brought it down. It wasn't letter, or I didn't get offended by someone at church. For years I've been in the position of defending the church - particularly the historicity of the BofM. That is something of great interest to me personally. I am not here to debate the messiness of church history or take the current pulse of the institution called church, but there's something much deeper pushing me toward this place. I'm not getting into a discussion about details of particular issues. There are other more important things I want to say." I did mention the essays were trouble and he immediately went off piecing together fragments of scripted responses from the apologetics that he could recall as well as stating our inability to relate to the cultural, political, and spiritual climate of the early church. I couldn't agree more. BUT. That has nothing to do with the church withholding and distorting documented events that would allows us as individual members to assess what that means to us individually BUT that isn’t what I said. I abandoned this track and conceded the point as I refused to be drawn into a debate that had a very predictable out-come. He didn't press the issue, and eventually bore his testimony in a very emotional way.

This primer (visit with the bishop) turned out to be a powerful tool to do the much harder thing - tell my orthodox family (and it’s a big mormon family), I was bustin’ out. My wife asked me the day before, how are you possibly going to be able to tell your mom and siblings about this. Actually, it was the least of my concerns. I knew it would be hard for them, but I was raised with a grit to gather around whatever crisis any of us were going through. We were taught what support looked like. “I’m here. I love you. You're not doing this alone.” Each, including my Mom, said those very important words in slightly different ways. For two of my sisters, it blind-sided them so harshly it was as if I told them I had been killed in a car accident. In all seriousness, it brought back the same emotional pow when I was the first to find out our very healthy dad died unexpectedly and had to call each of them with the horrifying news. I was hearing it again - those indescribable sobs of shock and grief that spoke so loudly about what dad meant to us. This was no different to them and I found a warmth and love in it that had been somewhat neglected, but eternally available when needed. I bawled my face off with them and the healing was palpable. As the day progressed (it took several hours) three inspired (What? Inspired? How can a fallen angel be inspired?) ideas formulated that have helped capsulate my experience.

Inspired thought #WON: I was strangely OK with the bishop and my siblings bearing testimony to me. Truly, they weren’t trying to convert me (Well . . . maybe partially truly), but I marvelled at the conviction, admired the bravery, but most importantly, recognized how genuine and thoroughly they believed the gift they were offering me came from God. What I knew beyond a shadow of doubt is, it came from their hearts. I paused to consider how much that says about very important and powerful connections and it actually dissolved a lot of angst in me. It was about an over-whelming love and support that they could (because of life-times of conditioning) express no other way. Yeah. Sure I could focus on the ‘conditioning’ and get all fisty about it, or I could accept what they were feeling and know they wanted nothing more than to walk this path with me no matter how uncomfortable or scary it was for them. It was crystal clear that those awkward members, who say stupid things, from their church sponsored expressions, are often trying to describe how much they care. They threw me what they thought was a life-line and I was humbly grateful and comforted to know it. Because it was directed at me personally as a testament that they were here for me, there was no threat in it. This is NOT how I feel when I hear testimony from the pulpit or in a lesson. That triggers a totally different response that feels like terror for reasons I'll describe below. For me this insight is an over-whelming victory, hence #WON.

Inspired thought # TOO: The word ’TOO’ implies inclusivity. One of my brothers made an interesting statement that brought perspective (not from him) but from the thought that quickly coagulated because what he said, I hadn’t given any thought to. “So . . . you are inactive then.” I paused because an ‘aha’ moment’ was welling up in my frontal cortex. “It’s not that simple. There is so much good in the church and I cannot disconnect the countless hours faithful members rendered for me and my kids as well as extended family. It’s been, in many ways, a richly rewarding life. But it lacked one thing. Freedom. My life was cut from the same cooky cutter as everyone else and the prescribed methods for retaining personal revelation just didn’t work for me. I needed to step back from it all, start small looking for a spark here and there I might fan into a true, personal spirituality. I knew where to look. It might be nature, which I love. It might be dramatic effect in a movie or book. It might be a hand on my shoulder from a friend or colleague or listening to the stories of the old ones as they ebb ever closer to the nether-next. I’m reconstructing a broader spiritual experience untethered from the prescribed methodology apparently limited to the tiny few worthy to receive it. In other words, the beautiful parts of the gospel that I will embrace until I die are iced with the sweet taste of everyday experiences that I like to think of as spiritual. I am anything but inactive. I’ve studied more about the gospel in the past year than collectively in the decade previous - all of it on both sides of the fence. The gospel is not black and white. You are not either in or out. In the bigger picture, I think living a good life, helping others when you can, helping yourself when you can’t, and finding gratitude instead of indifference are the real ordinances essential to passing the angels standing as sentinels, guarding the way. I don’t know if that’s what’s in store, but what I do know is I TOO am still very much active and on the same path with the same hope and ambitions as my orthodox family and friends. In some sense, I will always identify as mormon. That means I'm never alone. It's inclusive. If there is a God, I expect that's important to him (or her, or them, or it . . . I lean toward him because that's what I've been conditioned to lean toward).

Inspired thought # FREE: When the bishop bore his testimony, he told me that it was built on undeniable experiences he has had through-out his life that expressed as beyond-a-shadow-of-a-doubt truth (Surprised?). Unexpectedly and in this moment, the door opened for me to see something else. The messiness of church history, the current and bizarre methods regarding handbook 1, document 2, outlining the rejection of little children, and the abuse of tithing funds, etc. all fade (which is NOT an expression of acceptance) compared to something else. Something for me, so much bigger. Fact is, and for the first time stated to my orthodoxic comrade, I have NOT had that brick by brick tower building testimony from which I could stand atop my rameumptum and declare a sure knowledge that all things church are true beyond a shadow of a doubt. In fact, I’m not sure I’ve ever felt the confirmation of the Holy Ghost beyond a Pavlovian emotional response to things I was conditioned to respond to. In fact, it is this lack of testimony builiding experiences that brings me here. It just makes no sense. I served hard. I prayed endlessly. I studied the scriptures, I went to the temple often, making up weird connections to weird symbols and sayings (that’s how it was for me). I forced my kids to have family home evening, scripture reading, and sit through ten hours of pulpit gulp twice a year - all coming from grand old octogeneric behind-the-timers that to me were so far elevated above the rest of us, none of us (especially my kids which have ADHD which is all of them . . . and sometimes me) could endure to the end of a single conference. We all ended up hating each other by hour 1.5 as we lost focus and control, lost the hand-book on parenting styles, and lost the ability to tell the truth about falling asleep (“No. I’m awake.” stated while trying to figure out where you were.) I prayed endlessly, fasted longer than I thought I could, repented of everything I could think of including, “Sorry dear. I didn’t realize that microscopic little squiggle could possibly turn into that bewilderment sitting on the floor beside the dinner table trying to shove a piece of spaghetti up his nose with his little brother peering into his left ear saying, “no . . . no . . . no . . . “ in response to the repeated question, “See it yet?” So . . . why was God mad at me? Why wouldn’t he give me that solid conviction I heard everybody else spouting at every opportunity? Why wouldn’t he give me just a whisper that said, “Um . . .no. That’s not a spiritual experience. It’s just a toothpaste commercial.” Funny. I felt more spiritually connected in dramatic effect than I did lying at the pulpit, or standing in front of an early mormon seminary class with the only one not draped over their desk out cold being the bishops daughter who knew I was making stuff up on the fly because the lesson was based solely on the title because that’s as far as I got in my preparation. Or what about when I was telling members called to positions that traumatized them, that the words were not of me, they were coming from God. I got pretty good at this dishonest skill. The better I got, the more disingenuous I felt. Over the past decade, that feeling of dishonesty shifted to a feeling of terror. It got increasingly harder to say I knew the church was true, the BofM is the word of God, Joseph Smith restored the only true church etc., ad naseam (sorry if 'ad naseam sounds a bit sacrilegious or harsh, but truth be told, those bold declarations are a sore spot for me - especially now UNLESS that testimony is offered to me personally as an expression of hope or help as described above). So I eventually shut my mouth and plugged my ears trying to pretend I was engaged in the priesthood or SS lessons. What was absolutely sure was I was done lying about things I expected weren’t true as well as the things I knew without doubt weren't true. I could no longer face the members and their kids whom I’d be lying to for so long. So it was that the Stake centre and the members I know best became a trigger for the decades I spent falsely declaring things were true that weren’t for me. Throw in the messiness described above and I found myself picking up the phone and requesting a visit from my dear friend, the Bishop. It was such a cool enlightment. I no longer am a slave to hypocrasy. I see everything clearly, openly, and honestly. No more confusion. No more condemnation, self-deprecation, denial - all that bad stuff was gone. I am truly FREE and nobody, no matter how much I love them, will convince me otherwise. This is my
'for now' statement.

I doubt I’ll go back to church anytime soon. I can’t unsee what I’ve seen, unfeel what I feel, and the thought of being chained once more to the tree of orthodoxy scares the carp out of me (now there's some interesting imagery). But I do expect to go back at some point on my terms, accepted as I am, contributing where I can, and just killin’ time with the people I’ve spent much of my life with. They are friends and family. They are those who I trust most, love much, and want to hang out with. I think it’s doable.

[RubinHighlander]

Congrats brother! I'm so happy for you. I also empathize with the additional aftermath you'll have to grapple with, but the freedom you now have will outweigh any of those burdens. Now you'll have to see if your ward hammers you with the lost sheep project visits or if they quarantine you as toxic. You will be living in a different community now as each TBM reacts to you in their own, mostly predicable, ways.

Cheers!

[Korihor]

[AllieOop]

I doubt I’ll go back to church anytime soon. I can’t unsee what I’ve seen, unfeel what I feel, and the thought of being chained once more to the tree of orthodoxy scares the carp out of me (now there's some interesting imagery). But I do expect to go back at some point on my terms, accepted as I am, contributing where I can, and just killin’ time with the people I’ve spent much of my life with. They are friends and family. They are those who I trust most, love much, and want to hang out with. I think it’s doable.

Wow...reading through your entire post caused me to feel so many familiar emotions! What an exhausting day you had yesterday! I have to tell you that I admire your honesty and your courage to face all those you did yesterday. It sounds like it went as well as it could have gone and their reactions tell me how much they care about you and also how much you put into relationships. I hope you keep us updated on how it goes.

I quoted your paragraph above, because I really would love to hear if you do go back and how this works for you. We all have to do what feels right for us and I can tell that your family & friends are important to you. For me, I could not have gone back once I made the break (I guess that I love my "second Saturday" too much now ). But seriously, it would have been painful for me to try to go back I think. My husband felt the same way, so that's why it's been a good decision for us at least.

How does your wife feel? Does she want to continue attending or go back (if she's taking a break here with you)?

As far as my friends in the church go....it's been interesting. At first I was hurt and I felt that many of them immediately turned their backs on me. Then I had to acknowledge that it was ME who'd stepped out of the circle. It was ME who'd changed things, not them. A few of them have remained good friends and I see them quite often (not as much as before, of course) and it seems to have made no difference.

I hope things go well for you and that you'll continue updating us. Thanks for posting this!


*********************

[Jinx]

Dang man, I wish I knew you in real life. You've got guts and you've got brains. And I love your description of watching conference. We only watched Sunday morning and my kids would only join in because I made sweet rolls. Now I make sweet rolls for the Thanksgiving parade instead.

Keep on with the updates. I love reading you.

[Ghost]

Thanks for sharing this experience. Your brother's "inactive" comment reminded me of something that happened to me recently. A family member asked me whether my wife was still not attending church, and I found that focus on attendance interesting given that my wife has been pretty open about her total non-belief. I still attend church, and that seems to be enough to keep anyone from questioning my own orthodoxy.

I always like to read about how it goes when people have such discussions with family and friends, in anticipation of the day when I decide to or feel impelled to follow that path myself.

[Vlad the Emailer]

Great stuff, Abinidied. You really seem to have all this together, particularly when it comes to TBMs. I wish I could be so understanding about things like testimonies and the bearing of same. All I can think of when I hear someones testimony is "Yes I know you "know" and I know exactly how you came to think you "know"."

Anyway, great writing. I enjoyed the read. Thanks for posting and good luck going forward.

[Abinidied]

How does your wife feel? Does she want to continue attending or go back (if she's taking a break here with you)?

She is still attending - loves the feeling, companionship, and connection to familiar things that have shaped who we are. She is a rock for me. We have studied, prayed, and discovered the messiness of it all together. I think it was a Bill Reel podcast we listened too that drew attention to an interesting phenomenon that I think is particularly true in our case. I hate generalizations, but find it interesting that my wife's attachment to the church is emotional and relationship centered. For me, it was black/white/evidence based/true/false that created the cognitive dissonance coupled with my lack of testimony building experiences making the outcome to leave inevitable. I'm certainly not entirely in the b/w camp as I hope to return not only to be with my wife where she feels most at home, but to maintain a connection to my past, some good friends, and some cherry-picked ward activities that sound fun. I know little else so may find it doesn't work like that and I get to keep my 'second Saturday' (which I'm loving right now). Just don't know which way the wind blows but love the idea that it blows.

As far as my friends in the church go....it's been interesting. At first I was hurt and I felt that many of them immediately turned their backs on me. Then I had to acknowledge that it was ME who'd stepped out of the circle. It was ME who'd changed things, not them. A few of them have remained good friends and I see them quite often (not as much as before, of course) and it seems to have made no difference.

Very on point and thanks for saying so. It's something I constantly have to remind myself. I wasn't cast out. As you say, I stepped out. It's good to hear you've got some true-grit friends that in spite of church, remain glued to the unconditioned connection you would hope to have in a friend. The bishop is one of those to me.

Thanks for your insights - very helpful.

Cheers!

[MalcolmVillager]

Wow. That is not in my cards anytime soon. I am too passive to force that in my relationships. I am impressed with it. It must feel good.