I'm afrayed . . .

[AllieOop]

I chose Abinadied as my user name very purposefully. Abinadi was by far my favorite BofM character. In fact, from the time I was a small child, I was quite mesmerized with Arnold Frieberg’s interpretation of him. I have viewed his depiction of a frail old man (from the neck up at least – seems to be propotionally over built below the neck) as a profound representation of the power of wisdom that comes with age. For me, when my shelf came crashing down, Abinadi died in a very powerful way and not at the hands of King Noah et al. He didn’t pass away into exaltation but rather passed from truth to fiction. He represents my transformation from believing (really nothing more than hoping) the church was true, to discovering it’s doctrines were covered in duct tape after being patched up.

Wow...what a powerful introduction! Oh, how I can relate to what you stated above (and really to your entire post). The journey out can be filled with so much struggle and pain.

You've come to the right place. There are so many in similar circumstances or who have experienced the anguish and pain you're going through. It sounds like the next few weeks are going to be pivotal for you as you maneuver your way even further out of the church. Please know that you can come here for advice, to report how it's going, or just to vent. We are here for you and there are so many on this forum who give such great advice and counsel. I'm really glad that your wife is there for you too.

Welcome to the board and I look forward to hearing more from you!


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[Abinidied]

They say that "truth is in perspective" - you can see the same thing and from different angles will look very different. To some, it may seem you've flown away from the windows of Heaven - but maybe from another perspective, you've gotten closer to Heaven and a truth that is a more sure foundation.

What a great comment and thank you. This really resonates and I'll consider it. Taking a machete to the guilt imposed by six decades of swallowing it has left me pretty hacked up and negative lately which is rather uncharacteristic of me. I really do need a new perspective and I think your comment helps me think about leaving the church as the righteous thing to do rather than the only option. Helps me think more proactively and realize there is nothing wrong but everything right about this pursuit. What I'm seeing on this forum is propping my eyes open already. Thanks for taking the time to say this to me.

[Abinidied]

You've come to the right place. There are so many in similar circumstances or who have experienced the anguish and pain you're going through. It sounds like the next few weeks are going to be pivotal for you as you maneuver your way even further out of the church. Please know that you can come here for advice, to report how it's going, or just to vent. We are here for you and there are so many on this forum who give such great advice and counsel. I'm really glad that your wife is there for you too.

O.K. To quote Chris Pratt in Guardians of the Galaxy; "There's a little tear (I think he said tear or some other fluid . . . ) coming out of me right now." Sorry for such a lame reference, but I really did get a bit emotional when I read your post - especially "We are here for you and there are so many on this forum who give such great advice and counsel." I'm lying on the couch wondering how it is in just two days that a bunch of total strangers have turned me into an emotional basket case. This is so not me but I have to admit - feels pretty darn good. That's a compliment to all, by the way.

[Abinidied]

Yes O'Brother is much watched and quoted around the Highlander house.

The Holy Grail

Also, watch the first The Matrix movie. You'll relate a lot more to that one now as well.

Thanks for the list. I'll check out the ones I haven't seen. I'm a huge Matrix fan (first one only - not big on sequels). You are right. I've always seen the reality of that nicely constructed piece of fiction called the Matrix (although, for me, much more believable than BofM). As a Neoite, I've followed the rabbit, couldn't decide whether I prefer red or blue pills so ate 'em both, and I truly look forward someday having a heart to heart with Mr. Smith.

[AllieOop]

O.K. To quote Chris Pratt in Guardians of the Galaxy; "There's a little tear (I think he said tear or some other fluid . . . ) coming out of me right now." Sorry for such a lame reference, but I really did get a bit emotional when I read your post - especially "We are here for you and there are so many on this forum who give such great advice and counsel." I'm lying on the couch wondering how it is in just two days that a bunch of total strangers have turned me into an emotional basket case. This is so not me but I have to admit - feels pretty darn good. That's a compliment to all, by the way.

I still remember the feelings I had when I found NOM (8 years ago!), so I know what you are expressing here. I hadn't ever been a member of a forum and found NOM doing a search looking for some information on a church history topic (that was upsetting and newly learned). The whole concept of communicating with someone online was both strange and life saving for me. I discovered that I wasn't alone with what I was experiencing and that was huge for me.

This is why there are so many who will be here for you (and others that find us). You'll find people here in all stages of activity, leaving, staying or completely out. But one thing we all have in common is we understand the feelings you're having right now.

(And, I have to add that I'm a bit envious....ok, A LOT envious, that all your kids are on the same page with you. I'm happy for you, though. I have 4 kids and half of them are still extremely active, but we have a good relationship. That's just always a barrier between us that we don't discuss )


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[Abinidied]

(And, I have to add that I'm a bit envious....ok, A LOT envious, that all your kids are on the same page with you. I'm happy for you, though. I have 4 kids and half of them are still extremely active, but we have a good relationship. That's just always a barrier between us that we don't discuss )

Thanks AllieOop! I also have 4 kids, and still have one clinging by the skin of her teeth to her shelf. Some time back, she was rough-housing with the others about the church when she banged her head on her shelf and cracked it big-time (her shelf, not her head) when she learned of the new LGBTQ policy in the handbook. I think she had a pretty good idea where I'm at when I cashed in my High Council coupons (quit) but we were keeping tight-lipped about any details until we got a pulse on exactly where she's at. There were some messy things going on, so it was prudent to do so. I can't wait to be completely open with all of them. They are all finding out Dad has some pretty big warts and they love it. I'm happy for you that you have found a way to stay connected to your kids. You must be a mighty fine parent!

As a parent myself, I have to say the coolest thing has happened now that most of my kids know I'm on the same page. I have had the most intimate, deep conversations I have ever had with them - especially my sons who I always felt some distance from because of my errorgant, holier-than-thou posture I assumed was essential as a leader and member of the church (the church is very good at teaching this principle and I was a gifted student ). It elevated me beyond what they could relate to.

We've never (emphasis on the ever) been so close now. My younger assistant-to-the-mission president son (now married with three kids) and I talked most of the night the other night. He was pretty upset. Instead of advising him as I often did (sometimes even calling him to repentance - man, I was a self-righteous jerk!), I listened, understood, and opened a door that I will never have to close again. That's pretty darn cool to me because I really think I had resigned myself that my kids were all moving on without me. I was still clinging to that stupid concept that I just didn't understand these things I had parked on my shelf and took the position that it will be explained in the here-after as we kumbaya around the Celestial campfires watching the big video. I can't say enough about how grateful I am I was finally able to sever the head off the 'figure-it-out-later' beast and live in the now!! In spite of the cog. dissonance I still struggle with, I feel a calm I've never felt before.

[Jinx]

It's wonderful to hear from you! DH and I are in a similar position to yours. We have three college kids who are all happily out of the church. I still attend because we have the most magnificent choir director in the world and I wouldn't give up singing with him for anything. But none of us believe. I struggle greatly trying to forgive the church, and sometimes talking with my TBM mom is excruciating. Younger DD has problems meeting men because she's used to Mormon young men and the frat boys she's surrounded with are frightening. There are so many ways the church has messed up our lives, but we're all out. And yes, the relationships have never been better.

I relate to your anger. I respect your humility. Welcome!

[Abinidied]

I still attend because we have the most magnificent choir director in the world and I wouldn't give up singing with him for anything. But none of us believe. I struggle greatly trying to forgive the church, and sometimes talking with my TBM mom is excruciating. Younger DD has problems meeting men because she's used to Mormon young men and the frat boys she's surrounded with are frightening.

Thanks Jinx! Good to be hear and very comforting to touch base with people who are in a similar situation. I think it's great that you go to church for your own reasons and found a way to do what you love. That's my goal. I want to get back to that place where I feel I can show up at church and feel like I'm still part of something that has always been a part of me (even though I truly am out doesn't mean I can't rub shoulders with my people). I officially left (talked to the bishop) this weekend and notified my orthodox family (I posted the details in the NOM 'support' forum). Interesting comment about your DD. Certainly a challenge sorting out how to be safe when we were taught by threat of eternal damnation how to be. Anyway.


This is so cool! Thanks for the welcome.