Now is not the time for "I told you so"

[Reuben]

Keeping tabs on r/exmormon during the latest kerfuffle has been interesting and a little saddening.

The first thing I noticed was that almost every post was a variation on the theme "I told you so" or "This isn't enough." I figured that anything like the first theme would be a terrible way to start a discussion with believers, and wrote the following post to offer some friendly advice.

(The second isn't a great way to lead, either, but IMO is better because it involves little to no contempt and is much more important.)

I'm also really tired of the church's eternal War on Them, and how the majority on r/exmormon seems to have accepted the church's terms of engagement. It's heartening that my call for compassion got moderate support, but man... the front page is still mostly about sharpening rhetorical weapons to use against friends and family.

FWIW, I do understand why, and how hard it is to temporarily shelve our feelings. I personally want to grab a few family members by the lapels and shout into their faces that the church's prejudice and discrimination has been putting my daughter through hell. In fact, she's one of the people I want to shout at. It just wouldn't do any good.

*****

Title: PSA: Now is not the time for "I told you so"

Not around your believing friends and family, anyway. Get it all out here, and then approach them with an attitude of compassion.

Remember all the stuff that made no sense but you tried to accept it anyway? And if you couldn't accept it, you'd keep it to yourself? A lot of believers have been doing that about the November 2015 POX. The cognitive dissonance has hurt. It's hurting them now, too. They know very well that the evidence points to the original update having little to nothing to do with revelation, but most find that thought threatening.

The very fact that you think it was wrong and terrible and nothing divine can make their cognitive dissonance worse when they're around you. They might even be mentally prepping for you saying "I told you so" by marshalling counterarguments and erecting emotional defenses.

So don't come out swinging. If it comes up, tell them how happy you are for the change. Hell, bring it up first if you can, say that you're pleased, and then say nothing else about it. If you're lucky, they'll feel safe enough to open up a little and you'll find some more common ground.

Being human is hard. Believers deal with it by being confident that somebody is in charge and has a plan, and that they have insider knowledge. Whenever there's new counterevidence to that, you could become a threat. Approach them accordingly. Show them that you're not.

https://www.reddit.com/r/exmormon/comme ... ld_you_so/

[MoPag]

This a beautiful post! And I really admire you for putting that out on Reddit.

This podcast has also been really helpful for connecting to the more liberal TBMs in my life about the policy
https://www.facebook.com/mormonmentalhe ... AognqgYNOy

It's mostly geared towards the Mormon mental healthcare professionals. It helped me talk to my mom when she approached me about the policy reversal. I sent her the link. I hope she watches it.

[Random]

I'm glad you posted that, Reuben. That's the kind of advice that will help people escape from the cog dis. "I told you so," like you said, causes them to dig deeper into their protective trenches.

[FiveFingerMnemonic]

Well said, a few psychology lessons like this can do some good among the redditors.

[deacon blues]

Thanks for making this point Reuben. I hope I get the chance to thank you personally when you come to Salt Lake.