Now I'm *really* pissed off.

[Korihor]

Please replace *really* with the f-ing

Now I'm really mad at the church. I had a conversation with my brother today. I can see this illogical institution destroying my brother before my very eyes.

My Bro and SIL are having some marital struggles. I know the seas have been rough for a little while, but they weren't really talking about it and I wasn't going to push my way into their marriage.

Today, I got the scoop. My brother called me and was obviously emotional on the other end. Since we are in town, we've tried to find a time to go see them but they've been reserved and asked for a little space as they work out their affairs. My brother was very sympathetic and apologetic that they weren't trying to avoid us and didn't want us to think they were blowing us off. He then tells me he has a "problem" with porn and masturbation. He has hid it for a long time and trying to be honest and open with everyone in an attempt to "fix" his problems.

I'm livid. This is the exact same thing that nearly ruined my life and caused suicidal thoughts in my teenage years. Now it is consuming him and ruining his marriage. She's about ready to leave him over it.

Now, I understand why this is an issue and that some people have varying views in the matter. However the church's teaching and the LDS culture are extremely unhealthy and toxic and absurd. THis insane so-called religion is ruining another marriage with unreasonable and impossible conditions and expectations of marriage and human sexuality.

I have an extremely large ax to grind now. I'm livid with the Q15 from now back to 1830.

My New Years resolution: I'm not going to church again.

Also, in a nod to RR, I'm becoming increasingly annoyed by the day with my wife wearing G's. I hate those funny undies.

[Hagoth]

This is the kind of damaging fallout you get when you are devoutly obedient to men who are obsessed with sex and pornography, and who need to maintain their authority by controlling other peoples' lives.

[Emower]

Man, that blows. There is not enough that can be said about the unhealthy approaches we develop towards sexuality on account of the church.

Be totally careful not to let your anger towards your brother's situation to get focused onto your wife's underwear choice. Those are two totally different situations that will not benefit from being conflated.

[Culper Jr.]

I think the church creates its own problem with this. I was just reading on exmo reddit where people are talking about how after they left the church their desire to use porn dropped dramatically. The church's obsession with sexual purity makes its members need the church for repentance because of the guilt and shame produced by the church itself. "Pay more tithing, be more devoted to rid yourself of this curse!" And if you falter again, which is highly likely, what's the prescription? More devotion, more use of church programs. The stress the church places on its members in this regard is likely a driver of the behavior. Never mind the real harm all of this does to families/relationships. Why would he have to be "honest and open" with everyone about this?! That's insane! It's no one else's business! Women leaving their husbands over this?!?! The mind-f***ery surrounding this is nuts! Of course the real irony is that all of this sexual purity dogma comes a church that was founded by a sexual predator. Maybe marrying 33+ women/teenagers/other men's wives is the cure for porn/masturbation.

[MalcolmVillager]

That's insane! It's no one else's business! Women leaving their husbands over this?!?! The mind-f***ery surrounding this is nuts! Of course the real irony is that all of this sexual purity dogma comes a church that was founded by a sexual predator. Maybe marrying 33+ women/teenagers/other men's wives is the cure for porn/masturbation.

Too true. The mormon obsession with sex causes sexual obsessions it its' adherents.

We are at my parents visiting and her female dog who is spayed had fallen in love with my male dog who is fixed. She keeps trying to mount him and everyone freaks out and yells at her to get off. Seriously, what is going to happen. Nothing. It just makes people uncomfortable because of our sexual controlled religion. We can even let our neutered dogs go through the motions.

[No Tof]

Sorry to hear of your brother's situation. No advice from me, except to say your brother is lucky to have you to sound off, and to talk to when it really hits the fan. Probably won't be too long by the sounds of it.

My guess is, you will have some helpful things to say to him when he needs it. That may be the silver lining in it all. Best to you.

[achilles]

Hello, K.

Have you seen this?

http://mike-thayer.com/lifestyle-porn/

[HighMaintenance]

That's insane! It's no one else's business! Women leaving their husbands over this?!?! The mind-f***ery surrounding this is nuts! Of course the real irony is that all of this sexual purity dogma comes a church that was founded by a sexual predator. Maybe marrying 33+ women/teenagers/other men's wives is the cure for porn/masturbation.

Too true. The mormon obsession with sex causes sexual obsessions it its' adherents.

We are at my parents visiting and her female dog who is spayed had fallen in love with my male dog who is fixed. She keeps trying to mount him and everyone freaks out and yells at her to get off. Seriously, what is going to happen. Nothing. It just makes people uncomfortable because of our sexual controlled religion. We can even let our neutered dogs go through the motions.

And that's not even about sex, it's about dominance! My son's 18 lb male dog tried to mount our 80 lb male dog a couple of times while he was visiting for Christmas. We were dying laughing! Our dog was looking at him like, seriously?

[Korihor]

A little update.
OK, I might have reacted a bit prematurely when I first heard the news. Not to dwell on someone's personal affairs, but maybe a little more information is deserving so we can all learn from it - mostly myself.

As with anything, there are always 2 or more sides to a story. I had only heard my brother until recently. According to others, he may actually have an addiction issue of some degree. From what I gather, it's a bit more than what most of us would consider 'normal'. However, in LDS culture it can be seen as wild, obsessive 24/7 satan worship.

Whatever the case, it is an issue that needs addressing. My SIL is having a very hard time, but looking at sultry images/videos isn't the biggest problem in her opinion. It seems she is most disturbed that this has caused him to lose all feeling and emotion. Purportedly it causes him to to be numb to emotion and he closes himself off to her. He views her as an object and she's afraid he'll set an improper example to their young daughters. So the actually imagery isn't an issue, but the trickle down affects of how he interacts emotionally and idealistically are the bigger problems.

If this is accurate, I agree he has an issue that needs fixing.

Now, why I'm still angry about it all. I know my brother pretty well, we were raised very similarly. There wasn't much (if any) proper sex ed in our home. Porn was vilified from the pulpit or YM's class weekly. Long story short, it created the perfect environment for someone, like my bro, to get entangled.
Everyone still has their agency to make decisions, but we've seen situations like this to be fruits of that tree. I hold him accountable to take care of his family and at the same time I can see how his culture easily opened this scenario.

[glass shelf]

It seems she is most disturbed that this has caused him to lose all feeling and emotion. Purportedly it causes him to to be numb to emotion and he closes himself off to her. He views her as an object and she's afraid he'll set an improper example to their young daughters. So the actually imagery isn't an issue, but the trickle down affects of how he interacts emotionally and idealistically are the bigger problems.

If this is accurate, I agree he has an issue that needs fixing.

The system failed both your SIL and your brother, but what you talked about above (along with the normally accompanying lying and betrayal) are the real marriage killers for most women that I've spoken with.

I don't care who looks at naked pictures, but lying to your spouse and compartmentalizing your relationship isn't healthy.

[Truth or Dare]

He may truly have a problem, but the real question is whether he would have developed the problem but for the Church and it's hyper-orthodox dogma on anything remotely related to sex. Likely not.

[Korihor]

He may truly have a problem, but the real question is whether he would have developed the problem but for the Church and it's hyper-orthodox dogma on anything remotely related to sex. Likely not.

My thoughts exactly.

Porn usage/history is not a discussion topic when a RM proposes a temple marriage.

Like Glass Shelf mentioned - the system has failed them as much as anything else.