Mission Recordings

[slavereeno]

I knew I was too lazy to write a journal on my mission so I kept one on cassette tapes. I just finished the process of digitizing them and I am listening to them now (about 9ish hours worth):

• Apparently i thought lots of things were "Rad" - yikes
• I read and tried to pray to get a testimony of the BoM in the MTC - I never got an answer and this was bothering me
• My most significant "Sprichul Moment" came from a talk about being too uptight: "If you are holding TOO tight to the iron rod you will not progress." Interesting that the thing that made be feel the best was a talk about chilling out a little.
• I was more interested in people and the friends I made than anything else.
• I decided to read the OT on the mission, that along with some Magazines the MP brought when I spent a little time in the hospital triggered me to question my faith. I mention it about 1 year in, that I was having "some concerns" myself. So before the internet, and before any real outside study into church history, I began to question the veracity of Mormonism based on the literal beliefs from Old Testament stories.

I guess that's really when my "shelf" started, but it would take another 20+ years for it to break. So much lost time.

[græy]

I guess that's really when my "shelf" started, but it would take another 20+ years for it to break. So much lost time.

I think about things like this too. One day, in the pre-kids era, my wife and I were driving in our car and the topic of evolution came up. I told her that I believe in evolution. She agreed it seems much more likely than the way the bible explains creation. Her concern, though, was at what point did we cease to be just another animal and become children of God? I agreed that was a quandary, but pointed out that there had to be some way to reconcile the two because evolution made a really convincing case at explaining everything around us. The creation story only explained the religious narrative, not reality. (I'm sure I didn't explain it that well.) I even pointed out that her father, a long-time geologist and geophysicist, accepted that the earth was billions of years old, and given the range of fossils tracking distinct evolutionary lines that he keeps on his office wall, he must buy into evolution as well.

In the end, we agreed that evolution fit the evidence better, and the scripture story must be understood some other way beside literal. I had heard of McKonkie's Seven Deadly Heresies (exmormon reddit) and really believed that in this case, he was wrong.

But I didn't take that belief and follow through. Where else could they be wrong? What else did I disagree with the church about? That door was still firmly sealed shut in my mind. It was that same question that woke me up ~15 years later. If they were wrong about blacks and priesthood, what else have they been wrong about?

So much lost time.

[MerrieMiss]

Can I just say how proud (not sure that's the right word but whatever) I am of you for doing this and listening to your former self? It's just my opinion, and people can and should do whatever helps them move forward, that too many people when they discover the truth about the church throw out old journals and reminders about who they were and the things they valued. I get it, but it reminds me of the church throwing out history it doesn't like. You're able to see how you've changed and grown, and maybe it can give you hope for your children that they too will grow from the mindset they have. We all change, but without documentation it's easy to minimize that change or to bias our recollections of who we like to think we were with who we were in reality. It takes a lot of courage to look back at who we used to be.

[*]I was more interested in people and the friends I made than anything else.

I think that's a beautiful discovery to make. Even TBM you knew what the important things in life are.

[Just This Guy]

In a way I'm jealous. My mission journals were destroyed when our basement flooded a few years after I came home. On one hand, I miss them because I am curious how far I have come. On the other, the kid who wrote those books is soo far removed from where I am now, that I don't know him anymore. That andI remember it was a lot of minutia. Stuff like "we tracted for so long and then met with this member, then tracted more, etc.'

[deacon blues]

I kept a mission journal religiously for about 9 months and then sporadically after that. My best experiences were in the next fifteen months. Oh well, I was busier then and didn't have time to write.

[slavereeno]

But I didn't take that belief and follow through. Where else could they be wrong? What else did I disagree with the church about? That door was still firmly sealed shut in my mind. It was that same question that woke me up ~15 years later. If they were wrong about blacks and priesthood, what else have they been wrong about?

Yes, but when I consider the massive push-back I am currently getting from by TBM relations, I can see why I stuffed it all down and just decided to live with the cog dis, I wish I had more info and more courage.

I get it, but it reminds me of the church throwing out history it doesn't like. You're able to see how you've changed and grown, and maybe it can give you hope for your children that they too will grow from the mindset they have. We all change, but without documentation it's easy to minimize that change or to bias our recollections of who we like to think we were with who we were in reality. It takes a lot of courage to look back at who we used to be.

Thanks and this is a good point. If I were afraid to open the box and see who I was, then I am being disingenuous. Its been an interesting journey.

On one hand, I miss them because I am curious how far I have come. On the other, the kid who wrote those books is soo far removed from where I am now, that I don't know him anymore.

I've come away with a bit more respect for what was going on inside my noodle. I did talk a lot about "the spirit", but even now I don't think I sound convincing about it.

[slavereeno]

Update: I just finished to the end.

• I spent a lot of time in the mission office and my journal was pretty sparse during that time
• The journal picks up again when I go back out to proselyte for the last 2 months
• I mention "the spirit" several times, and I have been fascinated by how unconvincing I sound about it. (Maybe this is just post-mormon me projecting?)
• I sound really depressed those last two months, and bring up some of my "concerns" again
• My shelf starts in the MTC and gets loaded pretty bad throughout my mission
• I met Elder Oaks on the mission while in the office and my experience with him was very sour, this loaded my shelf
• By the time I came home, I remember telling a friend who was having doubts "The church isn't true, but it contains the true gospel of Jesus" My mission had started me on a nuanced path

This experience has helped me to digest my personal Mormon history. I was Uber-TBM as a child and teen. My mission changed that but I stayed because I had been heavily socialized to stay. I tried to rationalize for the church over the years in my mind, loading the shelf and by the time it broke, I already considered myself a "non-literal believer." I told my wife two years ago tomorrow (IIRC) that I didn't believe everything literally. The very traumatic conversations that ensued, were what finally made the shelf come crashing down - and for good.

[Ghost]

I've never gone back and read my mission journals, but I still have them. That's the only time I've really ever kept a record like that, unless you count NOM posts.

I remember one conversation with another missionary in which we (mostly) jokingly concluded that we'd "proved the Church false." But I don't remember exactly what the topic was, and I'm sure I didn't write about that in my journal. Whatever it was apparently didn't become a real issue for me. I don't think I ever entertained doubts back then, other than in myself.