Spouseman's aunt has died

[Thoughtful]

And that means we have to interact with whether to attend a funeral. Family pedo tends to go to these things, so we probably can't, unless we throw a fit and insist he doesn't go so we can. If we do that we probably can make it happen but the ILs will all resent us more for being meanies.

So Spouseman will at the very least have to have a phone conversation and find out whether Pedo is going.

It was such a peaceful holiday without any of their drama. I know they didn't kill the aunt, but it's uncanny how they manage to constantly keep the drama going.

Maybe everyone could send vibes that Spouseman isn't that interested in the funeral? I really do not want to see any of these d bags and child rape apologists.

[Corsair]

That's really tough. Let us know how it turns out because I don't have any good ideas for this situation.

[Red Ryder]

Why not politely decline your participation and let Spouseman decide for himself what he wants to do?

If he goes, he goes.
If he doesn't, he doesn't.

You win either way.

[Anon70]

Why not politely decline your participation and let Spouseman decide for himself what he wants to do?

If he goes, he goes.
If he doesn't, he doesn't.

You win either way.

Can confirm that this approach with in-laws works well. We agreed that the person blood related manages their relationship with those blood relatives and no guilt or shame if the in-law doesn’t want to or can’t attend. It’s removed a ton of conflict. And honestly there is rarely any issue with it. The blood relative explains the spouse is sick/had a conflict/whatever and life goes on. IF asked. I feel no need to explain unless I feel like it. You really don’t owe one. And I mean that kindly-there’s no tension, no drama. Boundaries. They’re a beautiful thing.

[Red Ryder]

Boundaries. They’re a beautiful thing.

+1

[wtfluff]

Why not politely decline your participation and let Spouseman decide for himself what he wants to do?

If he goes, he goes.
If he doesn't, he doesn't.

You win either way.

This is what I was thinking...

[Thoughtful]

Why not politely decline your participation and let Spouseman decide for himself what he wants to do?

If he goes, he goes.
If he doesn't, he doesn't.

You win either way.

I do this with many things related to his family, however, since the funeral is a day's drive from here, it means if he goes without us, we miss out on 3 days of our vacation time together, and he spends 2 days traveling alone and a day at the funeral functionally alone but able to honor his aunt and perhaps visit for a few minutes with cousins and a couple of siblings that are less apologetic for sexual abusers.

I don't see how any of that's a "win" for him or for me. I'd be satisfied with complete estrangement, but that means cutting him off from a lot of relationships he does value because those individuals don't have great boundaries with people who are unsafe. It's a shitty position to be in, and I won't make a decision for him to cut off his family completely. It's not about "winning" or "losing" but about trying to keep a sense of immediate family stability and try to salvage relationships with a few family members that are worth maintaining contact with.

Anyway, I'm not necessarily asking for advice on what to do about it. But more looking for people to commiserate that his family and their collective mental illness is shitty. It seems like our options to interact with it (try to find out if pedo is going, not go and continue to estrange ourselves from a few positive relationships, go and stir the pot and fuel their antagonism) seem pretty shitty as well.

That's really tough. Let us know how it turns out because I don't have any good ideas for this situation.

Thank you--I really appreciate it. I don't either.

[wtfluff]

I do this with many things related to his family, however, since the funeral is a day's drive from here, it means if he goes without us, we miss out on 3 days of our vacation time together, and he spends 2 days traveling alone and a day at the funeral functionally alone but able to honor his aunt and perhaps visit for a few minutes with cousins and a couple of siblings that are less apologetic for sexual abusers.

I know you didn't ask for "solutions" but I'm a solutions guy (yes, my wife will tell you she hates it.) Go with him, send him to the funeral while you take the kids to a movie, the swimming pool, a trampoline park, a shooting range...

[Wonderment]

Why not politely decline your participation and let Spouseman decide for himself what he wants to do?

If he goes, he goes.
If he doesn't, he doesn't.

You win either way.

Agreed. Good advice.