5 years ago

[Korihor]

My Bro-in-law passed away 12-13-11. I've mentioned a few times about my widowed SIL, this is her husband.

Not that it changes much, my SIL is the sister of my wife, so all of this is on my wife's side of the family.

I had a roller coaster relationship with my BIL. I was total TBM at the time. He had a tough upbringing. His parents basically didn't want him and he was raised by his grandparents in a dense LDS town in Southern Idaho. His start in life pales in comparison to my own. He did a lot of crazy stuff and in reality caused a lot of hard feelings in the family. But it was family.

One time he was barbecuing at my MIL's. The BBQ was too close to the house and ignited the plastic siding. (He caught their house on fire). His wife got upset (understandably) they got into a fight so he just left and started walking home, which was about 12 miles away. There are many stories like this - just a bunch of crazy stuff. It was never quiet with him around.

We also have a lot of good memories, we'd go on 4wheelers, play video games and b!tch to each other about our mutual in-laws.

Although we couldn't image the final result at the time, in October and November of 2011, their marriage was on the rocks. I was hoping/waiting for them to say they were getting a divorce. At the same time, I was conflicted because they were an active LDS family that was sealed. I truly wanted to get along with him, but things were hard sometimes.

2 weeks prior to his passing, his wife and daughter went to stay with her parents as they decided to take some off from each other. Their daughter was just shy of 3 yrs old at the time. He was living alone in his house for a several days and overdosed on pain pills and another medication. The coroner declared it suicide. It was a suicide, but he was not in a good state of mind. I honestly believe he didn't intend to take his life. In hind sight, he was manic, depressed and just plain having a hard time with life. I think he took pills trying to dull the pain without realizing just how much he consumed.

The following morning, his long time friend went to check on him. No one answered but his car was in the driveway. After a few minutes, he let himself in and discovered the tragedy. He called the police (he himself was briefly held at the house as a person of interest) until the police were able to put 2 + 2 together. Shortly thereafter, a police officer arrived on the porch of my MIL to deliver the news. My SIL knew why the officer was there before he said a word and she just broke down.

I got a phone call at work saying I needed to come immediately. I wasn't aware of what happened and said I needed a good reason to just leave work. I raced to the house where most of the family was already gathered. We didn't know what to do. At some point I excused myself to another room and just sobbed (loudly). After regaining composure I rejoined the group.

We just barely learned my wife was pregnant with our first at that time. I sat there looking at my niece who screamed for her Daddy. I thought what would happen to her. I thought about my unborn child that would never know it's uncle.

A few days later we had the normal LDS services. I dedicated his gravesite as we laid him to rest.

I think about him a lot, basically every day. I really miss him - the good and the bad.

His wife (my SIL) and daughter still live with her parents. She finished nursing school and has been working over a year now. My niece turns 8 next month and baptism is the big question in the family now. The family is now a house divided regarding the church. Everyone is at different levels of belief and apostasy.

I look back with lots of regrets. I wish I treated him differently. I wish he was still here. I wish my SIL and niece had a complete family. At the time since I was TBM, I processed it differently. I thought, oh well, we'll see him in the after life. Honestly, it does assuage some of pain and fear.
Even it's it shallow, if it's all you know, it's pretty good. Now, I look at the church and I'm mad and relieved at the same time. Mad at the betrayal relieved at the good parts.

Make sure you hug your family for my BIL today. Regardless of our various positions of belief and relationships, life is much harder when you don't have chance to make it better.

I miss you, Josh.

[20/20hind]

What a tragic story. I think you are right about the pain meds. Many people overdose on them without realizing it. They take little more than normal to get that feeling, thinking it's safe. Best regards to your family. I will hug my wife and kids tonight.

[Enoch Witty]

This is a powerful story. I had a similar love-hate relationship with an uncle who committed suicide in roughly the same time period. I often leaned more toward the hate than the love side, but since his death, I've come to appreciate his memory more. He was a man with baggage, and looking back, I can see that we likely shared much of it. It almost makes me wonder if Nom/Exmo support might have saved him.

[Anon70]

I have an in-law that recently committed suicide. It was devastating for my spouse's family. His childhood, and honestly entire life, was probably 80% incredibly dysfunctional. A few years ago, I'd had enough and just pulled away from him rather abruptly. I was civil/kind but avoided and basically never initiated any contact. He had HUGE issues and since his death all anyone talks about are his good qualities. I struggle with it because he made our family activities challenging and caused so many issues. I felt awful that he committed suicide but I didn't/don't understand the "gold-plating" of him, if you will. What I like about what you wrote is that you acknowledge both sides and miss both. Maybe that's what I'm missing. I'm going to think of him differently after reading this, so thank you for sharing.

[StarbucksMom]

Korihor, thank you for sharing this personal and heartbreaking story. I have a lot of dysfunction in my family, and your story is a poignant reminder to see the good in others and to find reasons to be grateful for them.

I am so sorry for your loss. Hopefully you can do something this holiday season in honor of your BIL, like 4wheeling.

[NOMinally Mormon]

That's rough, Korihor. December is a bittersweet month for me as my mother committed suicide 19 years ago this month. I still remember the Christmas carol that was playing when I got the call. She had undiagnosed/untreated mental illness in a culture that didn't believe in mental illness and thought people should just suck it up. She and my dad were active TBM, sealed in the temple, and my dad had been a high councilor in the stake. But after her death, my dad remarried a nonmember and now attends the Methodist church. He even teaches Sunday School there. So I wonder if he did the Mormon thing just for my mom. I have a lot of unanswered questions, but I try to just let it go.