Gaslighting, Anger, Hurt

[græy]

On Friday night, my wife and I sat down to watch another episode of Leah Remini's Scientology series, we're finally to season two. Opening the episode Leah is on the phone and explains to someone that they're being gaslighted. A few weeks ago I had mentioned gaslighting to Mrs. Græy and when Leah mentioned it she asked me again what it meant. I started off with a simple explanation, but quickly found myself on an angry rant against the church, specifically Oak's and Ballard's previous F2F when they said the church was "...as transparent as they knew how to be."

In the end, my wife was hurt, I was angry, and the night ended poorly.

Saturday night, as part of a discussion about the up-coming F2F with Elder Cook, and in follow up to the gaslighting "argument", I shared with Mrs. Græy, an experience I had on my mission almost 20 years ago.

I was the sole English speaker in my city in Japan. My companion was Japanese, and the two sister missionaries in my district were also both Japanese. Having only been in Japan for about 2 1/2 months, I spoke pretty poor Japanese, and always looked forward to appointments with our single American Investigator, we'll call him M. Moriancumer. No, wait, too obvious, we'll call him Mohonri (not his real name).

Since neither of us really could speak on any deep level to anyone else, Mohonri and I really connected, except for the fact that I was a pretentious 19 year-old with all the answers to the only questions that really mattered. One day, our lesson turned to to the Book of Abraham. Mohonri had read that it was translated from papyri JS had purchased. Being a pretty smart guy Mohonri worked out that we could analyze the papyri and determine if the translation was accurate. That would be a BIG thing because almost no one on Earth could really translate Egyptian in JS's time. Mohonri asked me where the papyri were and I did not have an answer for him, but I promised him I'd look into it.

I dug through the extensive library in our missionary apartment, which included no less than 4 sets of the official reference set (Jesus the Christ, Articles of Faith, Truth Restored/Gospel Principles, A Marvelous Work and a Wonder, and Our Search For Happiness) all new, a copy of the Miracle of Forgiveness (I read this one because I wanted to see what all the fuss was about. Horrible book.), a Gordon B. Hinckley biography, and several institute manuals on the standard works books.

Missionaries are only ALLOWED to bring the reference set on missions, but my MP decided we were allowed to go beyond that and read any official church book. That was great and all, except that I was in Japan, and there were no Deseret book stores within several thousand miles. The mission home commissary didn't sell anything beyond what we already had. So effectively, we were allowed to read anything we wanted, as long as it was one of those 10-12 books.

The sum total of the information I found told how JS bought the papyri from a traveling salesman, found they were written by Abraham, translated them, and Yay! we have BoA. One of the institute manuals (I believe it was) mentioned how the papyri were eventually given (sold) to a museum in Chicago which burnt down in the Chicago fire of 1871, resulting int he loss of the papyri.

That was all I could find. That was all the information I had access to. I, a duly appointed, ordained, set-apart, official representative, and teacher of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, given responsibility to teach our doctrine and history to the world had gone through every book the church made available to me and that was what I learned.

I returned to Mohonri and told him about the fire in Chicago and the lost papyri. I bore testimony about how it wasn't the physical proof that mattered, it was the spirit the scripture brought. It was the meaning it gave to our life on Earth, and the hope it gave for our life in eternity. I cried, he... almost cried, maybe. But I knew, I knew I felt the spirit that day. And that experience was one that I drew on for years and years after. It was one of the legs that my testimony stood on.

Imagine my surprise when I later learned that the church has had the papyri since 1967. They had the same thought Mohonri had and decided to translate the pages themselves and were shocked (shocked!) to find they didn't match. So what did the church do? They hid the information. They didn't talk about it. They had more than 30 years to update institute manuals and history books. They had 30 years to mention something in Sunday School, Seminary, Gospel Doctrine, or Institute. They had 30 years to be honest. And. They. Did. Nothing.

And now they're being transparent!? Now I'm the one with naive faith!? Now I'm the weak one for not having discovered this information in some nearly non-existent book, when I didn't know I was supposed to be looking in the first place!?

It only got worse as I discovered the anachronisms, and 19th century scientific theories contained within the BoA.

Half-truths and lies, my friends. The devil uses half-truths and lies to try to gain control of our immortal souls. And apparently, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day saints does the Exact. Same. Thing.

[Corsair]

This is a tough situation and I certainly feel for you. I'm still not happy about the unintentional untruths I told people on my mission. Seer stone in a hat? Joseph married other women? BoM anachronisms? Alcohol use in the early church? Health benefits of coffee? All Anti-Mormon lies.

The real challenge is when your dear spouse is part of the conduit for gaslighting. Your wife and my wife were raised in the LDS church and still largely hold that line. My wife did watch Elder Cook's fireside last night and I would love to talk to her about it. But I suspect her defenses will be thoroughly up and she won't really want to talk about it. I'm not sure that any change to our religious armistice will help anything.

I have al sympathy for your situation and hope that this can be worked out. This kind of healing is honestly what I pray for as a message in every general conference. I have been disappointed by the prophets for many, many years.

[MoPag]

Sorry you're hurt and angry.
I bet your DW sees and senses the similarities in Leah Remini's Scientology series and the church. But she's too afraid to admit it to herself. I spent so much time and energy trying to not see what was in front of my face. I really hope she comes around to the truth. I think it's a really big step that she is watching that show with you.

[MerrieMiss]

I know this is a little old, but I thought I'd mention it just for anyone who may be interested.

For a good, non-high stakes definition of gaslight, one might turn to the 1944 classic film Gaslight staring Charles Boyer, Ingrid Bergman and a very young Angela Lansbury. The play is where the term "gaslight" supposedly comes from. Not only helpful in giving a definition of the term, but a pleasant and enjoyable way to pass the time, if you like old films.

I think it's hard to get people to understand the term when it is so heavily loaded. Unfortunately, telling someone something really doesn't work until they make the connections themselves. Or even experience the gaslighting themselves. I find I have the most success moving the conversation forward when I present information and then stop - people aren't stupid, they can make connections themselves, they just need the space to do so when not confronted with heavily charged emotions.

And now they're being transparent!? Now I'm the one with naive faith!? Now I'm the weak one for not having discovered this information in some nearly non-existent book, when I didn't know I was supposed to be looking in the first place!?

It's an aggravating place to be.

[Reuben]

I think it's hard to get people to understand the term when it is so heavily loaded.

In some circles, it's started to mean little more than contradicting someone. It's a shame, because it's such a great word.

Recognizing gaslighting is complicated by the fact that most believers don't do it intentionally. When the church says, "This is the way it's always been," they happily pass it on, confident that the church has always been right. In the internal war between trusting the church and realizing that it can't be trusted, trusting it allows them to feel better about themselves, so trusting it wins.

This is a general thing, by the way. We make most moral decisions and moral judgments by choosing what we think will make us feel safe and worthwhile.

[deacon blues]

I'm just curious graey, how did Mahonri accept the gospel message?

[græy]

I'm just curious graey, how did Mahonri accept the gospel message?

He continued to meet with missionaries for a while after I left, but eventually told them the Mormon church didn't have anything for him. My replacement appealed to Priesthood authority and how Mohonri needed a baptism that was sanctioned by God or he would be damned. Mohonri (who had been raised Catholic) fired back saying that his baptism had authority from the Pope who had authority directly from John the Beloved, who had authority from Christ. And that is where it ended.

We lost contact completely when Mohonri moved about a year later.