I told our oldest son

[Deepthinker]

Last week I was having a discussion with our oldest son, just the two of us. A little background. He came home after serving 2 months of a mission, diagnosed with depression, having suicidal ideation. This was almost three years ago (he is 21 now) and he's only been to church a few times since then. We also had a professional counselor meet with him and determined he is on the high functioning Autism spectrum, has Asperger's.

Over the last several years, since coming out to my wife about my change in beliefs five years ago, one of the hardest things I've struggled with is not talking openly with our kids about it. My parents kept a big secret about my dad for years. I found out a decade later and still struggle with the pain of that deception. I don't want our kids to feel that way toward me.

So, back to the discussion I had last week with him. I asked him how he was doing with church, we talked about why it is hard for him to go. With a strong desire to show empathy, I couldn't hold back. I told him I have been through some hard times regarding the church. I told him I found out some things about the church, its history, that have really bothered me. I told him that I do my best to try and fit what I believe now into Mormonism, but that's hard sometimes. I said I was sorry for not telling him sooner, he was actually fine with it. I told him that I want him to be happy, and that it doesn't matter to me whether he goes to church or not, that I love him the same. Gave him a hug, said good night, and went to bed.

Anyway, it was great to finally tell him all this. I even said to DW after that I had a good discussion with him, that I told him I have had a rough time going to church. The look my son gave me the next day during dinner, actually looked me in the eye. I can tell he sees me differently, in a good way. It makes me so happy, and it is one of the reasons I've been able to better manage going to church.

One kid down, four more to go.

[jfro18]

That's great to hear -- and always nice to have that first conversation go well especially knowing how explosive they can be for others.

I hope that helps your son to feel normal about his beliefs as well as helps you to feel more comfortable as your other kids get ready for that discussion.

Glad to hear it went well!

[Red Ryder]

Holy crap has it been 3 years already?

I remember you posting about your son and his mission like it was last week on the old board.

Congrats! That has to be a huge relief.

Personally I haven't told either of my kids as I was waiting for the natural conversation to come out like yours did.

Congrats again!

[wtfluff]

HIP, HIP, HOORAY!

[slavereeno]

Good to hear, thanks for sharing.

[crazyhamster]

What a great outcome! I hope that your relationship continues to grow through this.

[Deepthinker]

Holy crap has it been 3 years already?

I remember you posting about your son and his mission like it was last week on the old board.

Congrats! That has to be a huge relief.

Personally I haven't told either of my kids as I was waiting for the natural conversation to come out like yours did.

Congrats again!

Yep, 3 years in a couple of months. Crazy.

Thanks, it is a tremendous relief. I was afraid he would be upset, either about what I was telling him or that I hadn't told him earlier or both.

For sure, the natural conversation seems to work best. I hope you can have that experience. It is like a weight lifted that I didn't know I was carrying around.

[slk]

I think this was very good to come out to your son. Sounds like many missionaries experience the suicidal ideations. All that pressure on these young kids (now 18 year old!) cannot be good. Hope your son is doing better. I think it's critical for missionaries that don't serve or that return home early for whatever reason, that they know they have support.

I was pretty disappointed when my son gave up on his eagle scout. On the other hand, I was relieved when he said he wasn't going on a mission. To most TBMs, my son would be a total failure. Outside mormonism, these two accomplishments don't mean shit. Damn, but for some reason I still wanted him to get that eagle scout! Lol

[Wonderment]

That is wonderful news, and it is a heavy burden lifted from both of you. Congratulations on this success ! - Wndr.

[No Tof]

I am happy for you DT. Being real with our kids is vital to having deep relationships. I have come to realize that the "veil of sacredness" we live under as members is a huge hinderance to meaningful conversations with our grown children. Things that pique their interest which might seem indiscreet in the mormon sense, can be openly explored when it becomes safe to discuss them without shame or the feelings of sin involved.

I am so grateful for the past couple years of open dialogue with my five children.

Of course for each family, the timing of opening up these discussions is something to consider and no one but you can determine when this is right. Trust your instincts/spirit.

Cheers