Rumor mill: Nauvoo addition

[Red Ryder]

I heard a rumor that later this year the church is going to stop sending senior missionary couples to Nauvoo to do the tour guide missions. They will continue to send senior missionaries to the Nauvoo Temple mission but will leave the tour guide stuff to the young kids serving.

My source failed to explain why this is happening which only leaves us to speculate. Here's my uneducated guesses:

1. The rate of STD's in Nauvoo has now hit an all time high, yea even higher than in Joseph's day, leading SLC to decide of they should rebrand Nauvoo with the borrowed slogan, "What happens in Nauvoo stays on Nauvoo!" or simply pull out!

2. Too many senior couples putting in papers for missions are requesting Nauvoo, leaving the missionary department to have to turn down specific requests to serve while assigning these couples to Oakland and San Jose. Such denied applications and assignments to these "exotic" locations are causing senior missionary couples to defer their applications saying, "I guess we'll just wait until next year assuming we're not in wheelchairs!"

3. The rate of young 18 and 19 year old kids going on missions is at an all time low so inspiration dictates sending kids to the most exciting place on earth!

4. For profit church ventures are causing members to question the legitimacy of their tithing donations. Sending kids from China and other Asian countries to the Nauvoo mission will allow the church to prop up cell phone factories disguised as Missionary Training Centers.

5. During his last visit to Nauvoo, Elder Bednar was disgusted with the lack of fanfare and personal hero worshipping attention he received by the "older crowd!" Defending the low energy reception, Sister Bednar attempted to explain their visit conflicted with "nap time". Realizing the detrimental effect on missionary work by this inefficiency, Elder Bednar decides to pull all senior couples who can't stay awake between lunch and the standard 4:30 pm dinner time!

6. Due to the high humidity during the summer months, the extra layer of polyester is causing heat stroke among senior missionaries. To combat this, Beehive clothing suggests senior missionaries switch to the new cotton stretch garments. Considered an act of apostasy by 99.9% of the serving grandparents, Beehive Clothing decides it can no longer ship full length fanny flap garments to Nauvoo in order to force the garmy switch. When that fails, the missionary dept has no other choice but to pull all senior missionaries from Nauvoo in the name of safety!

7. The amount of Viagra metabolites found in the Mississippi River has Illinois health department officials concerned. In an attempt to prove the source of such metabolites is NOT the sewers connecting the apartments of senior missionaries in Nauvoo, the church missionary department pulls all senior missionary couples out. Subsequently (and surprisingly) the amount of Viagra metabolites is traced back to a secret underground food storage bunker in nearby Carthage where inspectors find multiple blue buckets of blue pills that appear to be labeled "D's Oak Nuts". Whatever that means?

[Corsair]

I heard a rumor that later this year the church is going to stop sending senior missionary couples to Nauvoo to do the tour guide missions. They will continue to send senior missionaries to the Nauvoo Temple mission but will leave the tour guide stuff to the young kids serving.

The young kids serving at Nauvoo are all on youth missions and thus are short timers that are not completely subject to the White Mission Rulebook. This was most evident when line of young men arm in arm with young women came out to open the day of greeting tourists.

Still, your speculations are fantastic. However my family rumor mill indicated that Nauvoo was exactly where my in-laws were hoping to go. We'll just have to see what LDS history site they try for instead.

[MoPag]

Subsequently (and surprisingly) the amount of Viagra metabolites is traced back to a secret underground food storage bunker in nearby Carthage where inspectors find multiple blue buckets of blue pills that appear to be labeled "D's Oak Nuts". Whatever that means?

My guess is they are trying to turn Nauvoo into the Mormon Disneyland. They are trying desperately to appeal to the youth, so Nauvoo is getting a makeover. The "City Beautiful" will soon be "City Free-Wifi" And it will be on FB and twitter and Instagram and Snapchat. And there will be a special LDS tinder you can get on when you are there. And so sorry couple missionaries, but Nauvoo can't be "cool" with all those "old people" around.

[Corsair]

My guess is they are trying to turn Nauvoo into the Mormon Disneyland. They are trying desperately to appeal to the youth, so Nauvoo is getting a makeover. The "City Beautiful" will soon be "City Free-Wifi" And it will be on FB and twitter and Instagram and Snapchat. And there will be a special LDS tinder you can get on when you are there. And so sorry couple missionaries, but Nauvoo can't be "cool" with all those "old people" around.

I would love to see some "City Free Wifi" in the area. The problem is that the wifi password will probably be "Pioneer47" and Reddit will still be blocked.

They could certainly use more cell towers in the area. I had virtually no connection in town. I half wonder if the church quietly likes this situation. Bad cell connectivity is not all that unusual in small towns. It also means that almost no one is on their phone while in Nauvoo. That is an improvement for many people both in and out of the church.

[Archimedes]

...or simply pull out!

Careful, your double entendre is showing.

[crossmyheart]

Red Ryder- your level of creativity is enviable and amazing. I always look forward to reading a post from you or Moksha.

this theory gets my vote:

6. Due to the high humidity during the summer months, the extra layer of polyester is causing heat stroke among senior missionaries. To combat this, Beehive clothing suggests senior missionaries switch to the new cotton stretch garments. Considered an act of apostasy by 99.9% of the serving grandparents, Beehive Clothing decides it can no longer ship full length fanny flap garments to Nauvoo in order to force the garmy switch. When that fails, the missionary dept has no other choice but to pull all senior missionaries from Nauvoo in the name of safety!

I loved the one piece garmies! They were the most comfortable in my opinion. I don't miss them though! I have no idea how I survived serving a mission in Arizona wearing those silky garments. They were so stifling!

[Thoughtful]

My guess is they are trying to turn Nauvoo into the Mormon Disneyland. They are trying desperately to appeal to the youth, so Nauvoo is getting a makeover. The "City Beautiful" will soon be "City Free-Wifi" And it will be on FB and twitter and Instagram and Snapchat. And there will be a special LDS tinder you can get on when you are there. And so sorry couple missionaries, but Nauvoo can't be "cool" with all those "old people" around.

I would love to see some "City Free Wifi" in the area. The problem is that the wifi password will probably be "Pioneer47" and Reddit will still be blocked.

They could certainly use more cell towers in the area. I had virtually no connection in town. I half wonder if the church quietly likes this situation. Bad cell connectivity is not all that unusual in small towns. It also means that almost no one is on their phone while in Nauvoo. That is an improvement for many people both in and out of the church.

Was just coming to say the same thing. I thought I would lose my mind in Nauvoo between being around my nutter MIL and no internet.