Purpose vs Reaction

[Linked]

I've been wearing thin at work and home (see: I'm Tired) and I've reached a place I've never been before in my disaffection. After a tough talk with DW I decided it was time to buy normal underwear. Per Kish's recommendation I bought a 3 pack of meundies, and got a couple more Saxx. Both are fantastic. But I wasn't sure what undershirt to wear. All my pre-G undershirts were pretty awful, they would shrink after a couple washes and I preferred the Gs. I realize I don't have to wear an undershirt at all, but I like them sometimes. So I decided I would just wear the garment tops. They went from the symbol of my prison to my undershirt.

I wore the new bottoms for a few days but would try not to throw it in DW's face, so I felt like I was hiding. Then I went on a work trip and hung out at the bar for a few hours and thought DW would not like to hear that I was in a bar, so I was nervous about that. And I'm not very comfortable in a bar. I can see the draw, but I don't know if it is my scene. I know a few things that are my scene though: Jazz games, movies with my DW or friends, video game nights with my family and friends, playing basketball at my parents church where I've played on and off for half my life; these things are me. Maybe someday alcohol will be part of my life, but if it is I would like it to be part of MY life, not someone else's.

Along that vein, I realized many of the things I want to do are my reactions to the pain disaffecting has brought. It hurts to be an apostate. It hurts to see the manipulation of the church called inspired and God's will. It hurts to watch distance grow between me and my life described above. On NOM 1.0 I wrote a big list of the things I wanted to change from tithing to garments to church attendance to Sabbath observance and WOW. All these changes were reactionary. They weren't to take me somewhere, they were to take me away from somewhere. I was looking back.

I realized that in my disaffection I lost my purpose in life and I have not given that enough thought or mourning. Part of I'm Tired is me grasping at the straws of meaning in my life where I used to perceive a firm foundation. Not only firm, but absolute. I no longer see an absolute purpose to my life and, after having that in my upbringing, the relative purposes I have available just aren't as compelling. The only purpose that seems to be close is the purpose I find in raising my children and building our family. And me reacting to the pains of mormonism is not always helpful with them.

So now I have a renewed sense of self, and a drive to live MY life and to not let mormonism or ex-mormonism take that away from me. My choice of underwear can be in support of my purpose, rather than it's own purpose. And I can try to find other compelling purposes in life. Also, my desires in the list of changes away from church seem less important than living MY life. It lets me find some additional common ground with DW where we can make OUR life.

The pain will still be around and I will still need Saxx days, but I feel like I have some new life today, and I needed it, so I'll take it.

[IT_Veteran]

Just want to offer a sincere congratulations on some pretty important self discovery.

[MerrieMiss]

On NOM 1.0 I wrote a big list of the things I wanted to change from tithing to garments to church attendance to Sabbath observance and WOW. All these changes were reactionary. They weren't to take me somewhere, they were to take me away from somewhere. I was looking back.

Sometimes I think this is why leaving as a YSA would be the best case scenario (after not being born into it at all, ha ha ha). What you describe above is age-appropriate teenage reactionary self-discovery. Nothing wrong with that. Except I'm doing it waaaaay too late. There's the part of me that needs to react because I never permitted myself to do that normal, age appropriate behavior, but then again, there is the other part of me that isn't twenty anymore and realizes it's just reactionary and not necessarily what I really want or helpful. And I suppose I could react because I realize that it is a necessary stepping stone, but there is so much more at risk by reacting when you're forty rather than twenty.

I do hope this new drive and purpose sticks with you; enjoy the day!

[jfro18]

I think the fact that you're able to realize that is a really positive part of the process.

When I stopped going I always kind of resented that my wife and I couldn't be "normal" sometimes. If I was at a work function I couldn't drink anything, but I also didn't want to go into why... no one knew it was a religious thing, but they also thought it was odd.

So when I stopped going I thought "I should start trying the things that I couldn't do." But I never did - I've had like 4 drinks in my life and mostly at social functions where it was easier to grab a single drink and drink it slowly so I could keep it for most of the night.

It's not that I am not ever wanting to try them, but I don't want to try them without my wife. Since she stayed TBM, I felt like I was betraying her by doing that *and* it just isn't fun if she can't be a part of it. So that was an easy thing to just leave on the side.

I did get regular underwear because I hated the garments... the fit, the length, the feel. I just never liked them.

Either way - I think since I stopped going I've found some things that were good to change and some that I was OK leaving behind. Most of those decisions were based on wanting to stay as close with my famiy as I could, and some (the garments for sure) were for me. Finding that balance and knowing I was the one that was finally getting to make those decisions for myself was the biggest win throughout all of it though.

I think you're definitely making good steps and I hope it helps you to feel both more confident and more satisfied with the way things are going.

[Red Ryder]

Congrats!

This is the part of self discovery that has to be learned. I think many of us have been saying this to you over the years yet you had to figure this self discovery out on your own.

Too often many of us are walking through the dump of disaffection pointing out the bad smell, the broken dreams, and the rotten remnants of the church never realizing that there's beauty on the other side! It's ok to spend time at the dump and get rid of the pieces of our broken shelves, mind clutter, and old garments. It's even ok to spend extra time walking around the dump of disaffection hanging out with others who understand us or to look for cool stories and fun facts we didn't know about Mormonism. It's extremely fun to roam around and read all the blogs, crazy posts, and mormon leaks or to listen to Radio Free, MS, and IOT! However we don't progress forward and repurpose our life if we pity ourselves and constantly wait for the next big scandal or church's self inflicted gunshot to the foot.

All we have to do is lift our heads up and look for our new purpose; to keep walking until we find the path beyond the dump of disaffection.

Congrats Linked! You just may pass the third grade and look back with fond memories of your mormon childhood.

[Linked]

Thanks for coming on this journey with me and for all the kind words and for sharing your stories too.

It's been interesting for me that I had to go through the feelings to get to this point. I understood intellectually that I want to live for me and not as a reaction to the church, but until I processed it emotionally it didn't sink in. With that said, perhaps I'm just a pin ball bouncing from one thing to another...

I do hope this new drive and purpose sticks with you; enjoy the day!

Thanks! Me too. I played "You're the Inspiration" by Chicago for my wife last night and got a great eye roll

All we have to do is lift our heads up and look for our new purpose; to keep walking until we find the path beyond the dump of disaffection.

One of these days...