Did your wife/husband/parents/children mourn?

[Reuben]

We get pretty hung up on our own losses when we're in the thick of a faith crisis. Honestly, I'm not sure there's any other way to be. Half of your identity gets torn away... yeah that's painful and disorienting.

So here's something I noticed about my wife. She's been really accepting of my faith transition. I think this is related to how, early on - the first day I recognized my faith crisis for what it was - we talked about her losses. She's accepted and mourned them. There were a lot: loss of ease of teaching the gospel to the children, loss of spiritual intimacy (though that one has been coming back now that I'm much less triggery), loss of certainty, and many, many changed expectations.

My parents, on the other hand... well, I haven't told them yet that I'm out. Different country, haven't had to. Also, when two of my siblings left the church a few years apart, they didn't take it well either time. Lots of blaming, calling to repentance, that sort of thing. My mom still can't have a conversation with my sister 10 years later without making some passive-aggressive remark. And it's got me wondering whether my parents have been denying or resisting their losses.

It sort of reminds me of what often happens after a faith crisis, when the person is experiencing profound grief but doesn't know it. I can't count the number of times I've read "I'm always either so angry or depressed" and someone replies "Those are stages of grief, bro."

So here's my question. Think of someone close you've told about your faith transition, who experienced losses of some kind because of it. Did they accept and mourn their losses, or deny or resist them? What affect do you think this might have had on your relationship?

[IT_Veteran]

I think my parents have certainly mourned it. My sister has as well. They’re pretty early in the process, but there’s definitely sadness about it, but there’s denial as well. A genuine belief that I’ll return to the fold either in this life or the next, unless I’m counted among the sons of perdition, then I’m well and fully hosed. But I saw how much sadness and grief my family went through over the last 20 years when my brother left the church, so I know not only what they’re feeling but how they’re feeling it and coping with it.

If anything, it’s worse with me because I’ve made the temple covenants, my exmo brother left as a priest before he was 18.

My sister’s comment in reply to my coming out email was that she loved me, but she was so sad for the loss my children now experienced.

My FIL on the other hand, he went straight to denial and anger.

[jfro18]

When I stopped going I talked to my wife about how it made me unhappy and that I couldn't do it anymore. We really never talked about it after that for a long time... I know she mourned it but to this day I don't know really know much more. To that point we didn't really do a great job there - I felt like if we didn't talk about it that it would help us get past it. In hindsight that just compounded the issues.

I think my in-laws mourned it a bit but were more focused on keeping my wife in the church. Weird as it sounds, I don't think they cared all that much what I did as long as my wife didn't stray. I mean it's not horribly unfair - their concern is for their kids and their 'eternal' life and now the in-laws.

It's such a crazy thing to think about because everyone has these feelings about it and on some level no one really confronted any of them with each other. It truly is a situation where every person/family is different, but really interesting too listen to Mormon Stories and other podcasts where you hear about the reactions and feelings to get a better understanding from all sides.

[crossmyheart]

Funny that you would bring this up. I had an experience this weekend that surprised me. I was cleaning up some paperwork in our office and came across a book and some notes my DH had written along with it. He had attended a company training with a motivational speaker whose book had to do with standing up for yourself and living a more genuine life. My husband's notes indicated he was keeping a lot of his hurt feelings from me. It took me by surprise. He had never really shown that he was mourning my loss of faith, yet he is.

Seeing what he wrote changes my perspective and I have resolved to try harder to stay more on the middle way a bit longer. He had given me the impression that he was becoming more NOM, but I think he is still working through those stages of grief.

[GoodBoy]

Yes. I mourned too. It is a transition, and expectations and values change. It hurts especially because I was such a disappointment to people I really love for doing what is right, and brave, and following truth.