Visiting family, just need to vent a bit

[sparky]

Usually I can keep church stuff at arm's length, but I'm visiting family for my brother's wedding this weekend, and it's making me realize again just how completely my family's lives are swallowed up in this friendly neighborhood cult. It is everything to them.

Me being a scientist, I think they don't know quite what to do with me even though I'm ostensibly an active believer. So my family doesn't talk directly to me about spiritual stuff much, but just overhearing conversations is enough for me to see what a box they live in.

Sometimes it's a box that just makes me feel so sorry for them. A few months ago, my sister died of suicide after a long struggle with mental illness. They have been trying to make sense of and cope with that through a "gospel" lens, but an event like that is just not compatible with how things are supposed to work. Apparently my brother-in-law is having a very hard time because he is waiting for my sister's spirit to "visit" him and talk to him or something, and he feels bad or inadequate or unworthy because she hasn't yet. My mom claims that she has been visited and it helped her with some amount of closure. Since I don't see the world that way anymore, it was a bit of a shocker to me to hear that people actually think this way, and nonsense like whether a ghostly visitation occurs can deeply affect them. There's also a lot of talk about what my sister is doing in heaven and how she's helping out behind the scenes here, whispering in people's ears and such. I get that this helps them deal with a horrible tragedy, but to an atheist and naturalist like myself it's just weird and sad.

Lastly, I've realized how closed off and isolated that box is. My parents don't watch or read news anymore, as even the conservative commentators (obviously being Mormon they think liberalism is synonymous with evil and the Democratic party is headed by Satan) have become too negative for them. To their mind the world is crumbling around them, and the church is the only safe place. They don't read books or magazines that aren't copyrighted by Intellectual Reserve or Covenant Communications, they don't have hobbies or pastimes beyond what the church gives them. Nothing will ever pierce that bubble, and it just makes me sad for the day they find out I don't believe any of it anymore, if that day ever comes.

[MalcolmVillager]

Sparky this sucks. Mormons are taught to listen to the spirit (their heart) and ignore the natural man (their brain). Sadly most of our active believing family will not change and trying to open their eyes will usually backfire.

I am also an active, card carrying member on the outside, for now. I don't envy your position. I don't believe in ghosts, magic, voodoo, afterlife visitations, etc...

I don't discount the experience or perspective of others. If they want that. If they feel that. If this is their path and life, I don't want to push them down a rabbit hole that is not calling to them. This faith crises mess has been years of hell and heartache for me. I know that as I transition further from orthopraxy it will create distance with my loved ones who will avoid the appearance of evil that and the threat to their testimony i will become.

You are struggling with these same decision i can imagine.

And that is why i can say, Sparky, this sucks!

[DPRoberts]

Lastly, I've realized how closed off and isolated that box is. My parents don't watch or read news anymore, as even the conservative commentators (obviously being Mormon they think liberalism is synonymous with evil and the Democratic party is headed by Satan) have become too negative for them. To their mind the world is crumbling around them, and the church is the only safe place. They don't read books or magazines that aren't copyrighted by Intellectual Reserve or Covenant Communications, they don't have hobbies or pastimes beyond what the church gives them. Nothing will ever pierce that bubble, and it just makes me sad for the day they find out I don't believe any of it anymore, if that day ever comes.

To think we used to live, to some degree, inside of that box. The word "cult" is not too strong for an organization that drives people to act like your parents. What you describe seems like a form of slavery. A slavery of the mind driven by fear. And as much as we want to free them, we cannot be sure of the emotional toll that may come with facing up to the fact that they have built their lives around an institution that is neither true nor truthful. Some people just cannot tolerate the end of the delusion.

This has to be difficult to witness for a person with a scientific world view. My heart goes out to you.

[sparky]

And as much as we want to free them, we cannot be sure of the emotional toll that may come with facing up to the fact that they have built their lives around an institution that is neither true nor truthful. Some people just cannot tolerate the end of the delusion.

This is what I've come to accept. I cannot free my family members, they have to free themselves, if and when they are ever ready. Even if I could magic away their Mormon worldviews, they'd be totally lost in a sea of philosophies. They have no other foundation or values than what the church feeds them.

I only wish I didn't have to prop up their beliefs with the facade of my own. But I fear that if any of their children/siblings left the church, it would be even more traumatic for them than my sister's suicide.

[Arcturus]

Lastly, I've realized how closed off and isolated that box is. My parents don't watch or read news anymore, as even the conservative commentators (obviously being Mormon they think liberalism is synonymous with evil and the Democratic party is headed by Satan) have become too negative for them. To their mind the world is crumbling around them, and the church is the only safe place. They don't read books or magazines that aren't copyrighted by Intellectual Reserve or Covenant Communications, they don't have hobbies or pastimes beyond what the church gives them. Nothing will ever pierce that bubble, and it just makes me sad for the day they find out I don't believe any of it anymore, if that day ever comes.

Sorry to hear of all those things sparky. A lot of that sounds like some intensely tough stuff that I've never had to endure. Regarding your point on isolation, however, it's crazy as I also see my family as extremely isolated and maintaining a worldview that is extremely pessimistic. The world is wicked, it's getting worse fast, and Jesus is coming soon. One family member commented that they just wish they could go to the temple everyday and it's always so hard to step back into the wicked world when they're there.

While for me, since my belief revision I see the world improving and I have greater faith in humanity. I used to be quick to write people off thinking - "meh, their behavior is consistent with scriptural doom. nothing to be surprised about..." But now I see what humanity is doing today compared to what we were doing to each other hundreds of years ago and I have more hope for the world and a better world for my kids to live in.

So crazy how a paradigm can so strongly affect your worldview. On average, it seems like the Mormon paradigm really does bring about some serious isolation.

[Corsair]

Nothing will ever pierce that bubble, and it just makes me sad for the day they find out I don't believe any of it anymore, if that day ever comes.

You are doing well to maintain connection with people that simply don't understand. But I think there is something that will ironically pierce that bubble a tiny bit, and that is simply you living happy and productively without the church. You can act simply as the son that kindly wants to keep in contact with his parents. Let them go in their conservative paranoia. I'm not sure if the liberal paranoia is either better or worse. You cannot force someone to be happy and would be better off understanding Buddhist non-attachment.

But one day your status with the church comes out and they earnestly try to save your soul and worry about the lack of blessings and guidance in your life. If you are living as authentically as possible, then all they can do is try to do is advertise why living like a Mormon would somehow be an improvement.

I once did something similar that is, in hindsight, unfair and arguably not ethical. I stopped paying tithing completely and did not tell my dear wife that I had done this. Even worse, I happily lied to my kindly bishop at tithing settlement time claiming that I was a "full tithe payer". His spirit of discernment must have been off for several years.

My wife finally did discover our actual tithing status after a year and a half (and two full tithing settlements) when she picked up the annual tax receipt for tithing paid. It was far lower than she would have expected and she had every right to complain about how I had not paid and had not included her in this discussion, However, she clearly could not claim that divine penalties of financial calamity would descend upon us. Because she had been living in this situation for nearly two years and we had been doing pretty well.

You can also live "after the manner of happiness" so that your family will have a clear example that the blessings of heaven still seem to be reasonably functional in your life. It's not perfect, but it at least can let you live with more peace.

[No Tof]

I empathize with your pain.

That being said, it could be a lot worse.

You could still be in that same bubble.

Even with the frustration of seeing loved ones flailing in life, I wouldn’t want to go back to the box. Would you?