Difference between a NOM and an Exmo

[Arcturus]

Sorry if this has been asked before, but I’m curious and would like to know.

What is the difference between a NOM and an Exmo? I’ve seen a few times on this board references suggesting they are independent groups. Maybe I misinterpret the comment though..

[Perfigliano]

This is how I understand it:

NOMs either don't believe or are very nuanced in their belief, but continue to engage with the church for various reasons, usually for their spouses. NOMs typically try to focus on the good in the church, while not ignoring the bad.

Exmos are out completely. Sometimes, they're closeted because of cultural pressure. They will get out at their soonest available opportunity. Exmos might recognize some good in the church, but they'll typically take the stance that the good is outweighed by the bad.

I think there's some overlap. A number of people on this forum have had their names removed, for instance. Many also do not go to church and haven't for several years.

[oliver_denom]

There's a gradient spectrum when it comes to belief and activity. I'd say that the NOM portion of the rainbow sort of begins with someone who customizes Mormonism, either belief or practice, outside the accepted boundaries set by the orthodoxy. There's some leeway near the edges where some personal interpretations are allowed by the church, but once your cross that line you're in NOM territory. The end of the NOM spectrum is where belief in Mormonism is completely gone and you have the ability to actually step away from the church. Many end up hanging out at this exmo / Nom area because they are compelled to stay involved for one reason or another. At that place the only real difference is the sacrifices you're willing to make to make a break for it.

I think beyond that there's also an exmo.spectrum that runs from "burn it all down" to saying "this is no longer a part of my life" you just stop thinking about the church or giving it any space in your life. At that point, you're post Mormon.

[2bizE]

NEW Order Mormons disbelieve the construct of the Mormon church and are unable to believe within the orthodox parameters the church has set. This means we must stray out of the box to find some semblance of peace in our minds. The attempt is to find a safe place outside the church with one foot in and one foot out.

I suppose we still consider ourselves Mormon. It is part of the evolution from Mormonism. Many NOMs eventually evolve into exmos.

[Dravin]

In my mind the distinction is this: An exmormon identifies himself by separation from the church, be it official through resignation or excommunication, or symbolically as someone who is divorce in mind if not in deed. A NOM still identifies themselves as Mormon, they may not believe, they may believe in a nuanced way, but fundamentally they see the appellation of Mormon as applying.

[Hagoth]

You have exmos at one side of the disaffection spectrum and the StayLDS group at the other. NOMs fill the space in between and overlap with both groups.

As far as this NOM forum goes, version 1.0 was focused on finding a middle-way. Version 2.0 has moved on from that goal and is more about finding peace in your disbelief while juggling a situation where you cannot completely extricate yourself from the church without opening an even bigger can of worms in your life. A lot of what the NOMs of this forum do revolves around gradually helping our loved ones to understand and (hopefully, eventually) accept and support us or even join us in a path that might lead to full blown Exmo. Others are happy to retain some involvement in the church but seek to find the best way to do it on their own terms. Yet others are fully out but feel more at home in the NOM community more than the Exmo community.

It seems like another common thread of NOMs is that they remain very interested in the church, and often find the truth at least as fascinating as the myth was when they believed it, but cannot share that interest with any of the TBMs in their lives without causing melt-down or ostricization. This is a safe place to talk about real history, wacky doctrine, and corrosive leadership with kindred spirits, and to laugh and cry about how the church has affected you. The degree of animosity toward the church might possibly be another differentiator between Exmos and NOMs, but again, their is a lot of overlap.

[Red Ryder]

Exmo's know how to leave the church.

NOM's don't.

[IT_Veteran]

I consider myself exmo because I have committed to not going to church or participating in any meaningful way, even though it isn’t the right time to remove my records.

My wife would be considered NOM by most because she still attends, even though she no longer believes most of the truth claims of the church. She’s still figuring out what she believes, but has not decided to leave the church.

[jfro18]

I think there are varying degrees to the idea of what NOMs are, but I've always kind of had the over-simplified thought that:

NOMs are those who have issues with the church and find ways to adjust so they can still go to church, but have to make changes to make it work

Exmos are those who leave for whatever reason... I don't think of formal resignation being required, but just not going or being involved in the church on any type of regular basis.

[IT_Veteran]

I’d like to revise my answer based on current mood.

Exmo’s are all bitter apostates. That is all.

[Palerider]

I suppose I would have to consider myself "Exmo" since I've had my name removed from the records, although I don't appreciate the label.

There is a small degree of bitterness on this site; some of it is mine. But I try not to be, because of the effect it has on ones soul or psyche. I've visited some of the Exmo sites a time or two and found them to be extremely harsh.

My goal is to be prepared to defend my position with the truth. Truth is important to me. I will have encounters in the future with family and friends, maybe even strangers and even though I don't go picking fights, I don't intend to back down either.

I use this site to gather truthful information in order to defend myself and sometimes even contribute information I deem to be valuable to others.

Difference between Noms and Exmos?

Just a matter of degree and approach. I hope all of the posters here never become as bitter as some I have seen.

[jfro18]

Difference between Noms and Exmos?

Just a matter of degree and approach. I hope all of the posters here never become as bitter as some I have seen.

When I first started looking online for discussions I immediately found the reddit /exmormon sub. I love how active it is and I enjoy sometimes reading through and just getting a little laugh from it... and there are also some actually decent discussions.

But I like this group a lot more because there's an underlying level of decency that I've seen with everyone. Even when we're feeling bitter (I know I'm still there) or exasperated, there's still that boundary of not just railing on things even when venting or just exposing some of the 'mistruths' most of us have discovered on our journey.

So I guess that regardless of NOM or Ex-mo, I think there are such varying degrees of emotion and feelings that it's good to find a place where you can have constructive conversations especially for those of us who have family still in the church.

Anyway - TLDR; I really enjoy the tone/community of this group a lot and I hope to contribute to help others and also to have good discussions about things I find along my research into everything.

[GoodBoy]

My view is that NOMs in general are respectful and tolerant of those with faith, and are not ready to flip the bird to the entire Mormon establishment and give up their Mormon identity. Those who prefer to identify as exmos are, and do, and that is OK.

[Gatorbait]

Good points made and I've not much to add apart from the few examples that I've seen.

1. Not an ex-mo if you still worry if people in your ward ask you why you don't attend meetings anymore. Ex-mos just don't give a cuss and tell them so.

2. Ex-mos are okay with saying, "I'm not religious", and mean it. NOMs- they really aren't there yet, still a hope that the ship will be turned around and good things will replace those not so good.

3. Ex-mos are okay with enjoying a good cup of joe, not worrying that the guy who used to be your home teacher or counselor you served with or whoever. NOMs- they still glace around and check the parking lot for the coast to be clear before they fill up their Yeti mug at 7-elevan.

4. Booze- completely different subject and we won't go with the fool hardy "Don't take just one Mormon fishing" nonsense. Ex-mos don't give a flying cuss who sees them coming out of the liquor store- wherever it is. NOMs....they are very careful of the liquor store and have a ready excuse of why they are buying the booze- the best one- "my beloved asked me to get it because he or she needed it for cooking".

[Corsair]

Having a believing spouse and family causes many of us to remain as a NOM. We love our believing wives and husbands more than we are annoyed with the LDS church. I would go somewhere else, but my wife really does believe. I put myself in a place where the LDS church can't do anything more than make me bored on a Sunday.

We all make sacrifices for our spouse in the hope that greater joy will be the result. If that wasn't happening then the marriage would have failed anyway. Attending church and keeping up some appearances is worth doing for me, for now. I don't pay tithing, I don't worry about Sabbath restrictions, the Word of Wisdom is ignored with prudence, and I only attend the temple out of occasional solidarity with family.

But, this could change. My wife holds out some hope for me and I don't hold out a lot of hope that she will come to my point of view. If things were to change I might move from NOM to exmo. I think I may be an outlier so I don't preach the gospel of this as a middle way. Being a NOM probably needs to be a transitional stage.