Meilingkie is divorcing

[Meilingkie]

Last few months have been tense in the Meilingkie home.

DW found a new friend online in a game, and he happened to live quite nearby.
So she chatted, bonded, and felt very happy.
He helped her cope with all the stress caused by my faithtransition, and he started her thinking.
About rebooting her life.
Quitting Church, quitting her stifling mother, quitting toxic relationships in general.

We met, at an Ikea 2 months ago. A nice chap, Indo which means his father was a Dutch colonial and his mother an Indonesian local.
A 47 year old granddad, and very high ranking civil servant in the Dutch Department of Justice.
Indo's are something special here, and when you call some-one Indo it's not indonesian, but a mixed guy. With a very specific subculture.
My wife's first boyfriend was Indo too. a BIL is too. So well......

One day she'd been chatting with him and felt compelled to tell he liberated her, in the sense he gave her the tools to express herself.
The courage to confront demons of her past.
Something I seem to have failed to do.
She said: With him I need 5 words, with you I need 5 pages to explain the same feeling.

You could say the writing was on the wall.
3 weeks ago she met him alone at Rotterdam Cityhall, and they had a drink, well multiple ones to be more exact.
Coffee, and Alcohol as well.
And she came home, happy and giddy like a schoolgirl.
Clearly in love.

Eastersunday came, we didn't attend GC, we only attended 2 times the entire year, and she proposed me to reach out to other people, and she'd arranged a date with a widowed female friend of mine. The daughter of very near friends where I have lunch every monday.
We met, talked, laughed, and had a blast. But both felt eerily awkward.
But soon she apped me, she would like to meet again soon for lunch.
She also sent me a detailed list what her future spouse should be like.
Why, because we haven't met in 2 decades? I didn't understand the odd message.

Anyway.

We celebrated DW's 40th birthday on Saturday last week, the next day she said she would tell me her plans for the future soon.
Well, they came out a few hours later, like lightning from a clear sky.

Divorce, I want a full reboot.
No more Marriage in my life
No more Church in my life
No more Mother in my life
No more Siblings in my life where possible
Total and utter abandonment of all she ever did and knew.

This afternoon I visited my parents, and bought a bed for me in their spare bedroom.
Going back to live with them after we get the divorce final.

So this is it then.
The dam burst at last, but I'm swept away in the current as well.
A full life-reboot, not that I wanted it, but it's forced upon me.
Still, my Monday-lunch family asked me to attend the lady of the house's 79th birthday next Friday so I can meet her 2 granddaughters and see my 42YO lunchdate again in a low-key manner.
When God closes a door, He opens another the saying goes.

It's all in all strangely exhilarating, as well as bloody scary.

[lostinmiddlemormonism]

All the best my friend.

-lost

[Corsair]

That's tough. Good luck in this difficult transition.

[Red Ryder]

Congratulations on making it as long as you guys did Meilingkie. That’s what John Larsen suggested people should say in times like this. You guys aren’t the first nor will you be the last to divorce after a faith transition.

Enjoy your new start. Just stay away from anyone that has a list of things they want in a marriage.

[crossmyheart]

None of us go into this rabbit hole ever expecting that our lives will be turned upside down. That's the thing that our TBM families don't see. We didn't plan this out. My condolences at the loss of your marriage. Best wishes for the future.

[Anon70]

Best of luck. How are the kids handling things?

[wtfluff]

Good luck, and take care of yourself.

[Wonderment]

DW turned 40 last week, and it sounds as if she is going through not only a faith crisis, but a mid-life crisis, where the person wants a full-life re-boot, wants to throw out everything and start all over again, as if she were 21. She met someone on some internet match game, "'on the rebound" and now wants to move very, very fast.
As an older woman, I would suggest taking the time to "think it through." These mid-life crises where one partner wants to suddenly dissolve relationship because she can "explain things to the other guy in 5 words" and believe he is her true soulmate, can either end happily or end in heartbreak. Also, I think that is a very cold thing to say to someone, "I can explain something to him in 5 words, and with you, it takes me 5 pages." ( WTF?) Meilingkie, you were the one who left the church FIRST, while she was still attending. You're the one who was out first.

People in mid-life crises at age 40 rarely want to take the time and "think it through", because it feels good to act impulsively, but splitting up a family with children should be carefully thought out. Maybe she will be better off with the new boyfriend, but maybe not.

I wish you all the very best, Meilingkie, and please drop by from time to time and keep us updated. Sending positive thoughts, from Wndr.

[Meilingkie]

Thank all for the support.
Truth be told I haven't been too good for her either.
But in the end I stuck with her, and now she's bailing out.
That does hurt indeed.

Most people encourage us to proceed, as we were an odd couple, a bad match to start with.
Only my MIL was very upset, not about the divorce though, but about her dumping the Church.
Getting a 45 minute talk about the decision to leave Church, totally ignoring the first remark that we are getting divorced.

About the kids, they will be 18 + 19 when it gets finalized. DD saw it coming 2 months ago and hoped her mom would be able to withstand the sirens call for a few more years, but alas.

[Mad Jax]

Get a good lawyer and then do what they say. She sounds like overall she has no intention of letting it end in any way but amicably, but don't take a chance. Let your lawyer handle every detail. I know it sounds like a cold response, but many, many a person with a good natured spouse has made the mistake of also trusting said spouse's lawyer. They aren't the same person with the same set of motivations.

This has to be one of the most painful things a person can endure, and most people won't be thinking straight. I'd hate to hear you were one more divorcee whose heartbreak got the better of them. Good luck and take care.

[deacon blues]

Meilingkie, I always appreciate your openness, honesty, and intelligence. I experienced a divorce years ago. It was very difficult, and I imagine you are feeling confused, and maybe sad. I found my greatest happiness after the loss, and I wish you hope for the future. You have touched many lives for good-- including mine, and I wish you Hope.

[Hagoth]

Damn!

[mooseman]

My heart is breaking for you. It sounds like she has been planning this for a while, finding new love, trying to set you up with a replacement..... you deserve better sir.

[Reuben]

Damn!

Damn damn!

There's really not much else to say. I feel dread on your behalf for the pain that's coming your way, Meilingkie, and I wish I could do something about it.

[No Tof]

I can’t imagine divorce ever being a pleasant experience but hopefully after the dust settles and healing time passes, you will find the peace and happiness you deserve.

Best to you going forward.

[MalcolmVillager]

Sorry buddy!

I can't imagine how crappy that must be for you. You will get through this!

[2bizE]

Not sure what to say other than best of luck with the new start. It could work out well.

[Silver Girl]

Oh, man - I am sorry! Even when divorce is the thing that needs to happen (not saying that is the case here), it comes with a myriad of emotions. We've watched your journey for a few years now, and I remember when your DW also recognized the church wasn't the place to be. Maybe there will be some good in the fact you have solidarity on that level.

You are right - God opens a window once a door has closed. No matter where this particular juncture leads, I'm sending my sincerest wishes that your new window lets in beautiful light, the warmth of the sun, and a happy future.

[Mormorrisey]

I'm sorry too to hear of this, knowing your story as we all do. I sure wish you and your DW some happiness on this journey, it sure has been a long, hard and difficult road, and I'm sorry it ended here. My best wishes for you going forward, Meilingkie.

[SeeNoEvil]

Well this bites! Sorry to hear this! I've been there and know you are probably going through a boat load of emotions right now. It will get better .... I promise! Hang in there.
{{{meil-kie}}}