What is an emotional affair?

[2bizE]

Over on reddit there are some posts, and a news report of a women who had her temple recommend revoked for talking about her divorce. She claims her husband was having an emotional affair with a women. i certainly do not mean to belittle this woman and her struggles, but i was trying to comprehend what constitutes an emotional affair. Any ideas?

https://www.reddit.com/r/exmormon/comme ... mmend_for/

[Jeffret]

Let's consider first, what is an affair? A regular, old affair. Most people figure it's a married person having sex with someone else. They usually think of it as PIV sex. Some people will even figure that if he just gets a blowjob that isn't really sex and doesn't really count as an affair. But, the woman would usually consider that an affair. Or vice versa, with the roles changed. What about kissing? A peck on the cheek: probably not. A pattern of passionate kissing: probably. A hug in greeting: probably not. A long, passionate hug: probably. Especially if the relationship and activity is kept hidden from the spouse. What if they're not married but have agreed they're in a long-term monogamous relationship?

An emotional affair is developing a deep level of emotional intimacy with another person besides your spouse. Turning to them for support and comfort and neglecting your spouse. Usually there is a level of sexual attraction involved, even if no actual sexual interaction has yet occurred. It doesn't mean a married person can't have close friendships. For example, a straight woman may share close details about her life with her life-long girlfriend. But, if it gets to the point where she's prioritizing that relationship, she's more concerned with how her girlfriend feels, and she's neglecting her spousal relationship that could be an emotional affair.

It's hard to define what exactly an emotional affair is, but it's a well-recognized concept regarding relationships. We're not all entirely in agreement on what a sexual affair is.

This article from Psychology Today has some good information: Emotional Affairs: Why They Hurt So Much

Or this one from the Washington Post: Are you having an emotional affair? It’s hard to define, but here’s how to figure it out.

[Who Knew?]

Emotional Affairs are real and are honestly more damaging than regular affairs to many people. I have been the victim of a spouses emotional affair and then actual affair. The sex is just sex. It is the emotional distance and disconnection that hurts more. It is the lack of respect for your feelings. They are going to someone else for their emotional needs they should be getting met from you. For me sex is biological. It is the sneaking around, not respecting boundaries, destroying trust that really damages a relationship.

You ask what an emotional affair is, it is simple. It is when you replace the emotional connection you should have with a spouse with someone else. It can take many forms and have different circumstances. But that is the basic idea.

[Red Ryder]

Isn't it when the home teacher comes over twice in one month?

Or when the YM president keeps calling the YW president to discuss Sunday's joint lesson?

Or when the RS president drops off 2 pans of funeral potatoes a year after Brother Smith's wife passed?

[mooseman]

An emotional affair is when your wife screams at you she cant cut him out of her life because she loves him.
Its when shed rather see and talk to him instead of you.
Its when you become an after thought to her, despite her instance she wants to make your marriage work.
Its when she takes his side instead of yours and demands you apologize fir making HIS life hard.
In short, its when he replaces you in everything but her bed....and when that happens your expected to believe its an accident, she never meant for it happen, and give her another chance....and another....and another....cause they are just friends after all....
They are devastating because you realize really dont know what shes thinking, how she feels, and you can't trust her when she tells you. You worry when she closes her eyes she wishes it was him. You realize that YOU aren't enough, never will be, and numb is the best you can hope to ever feel again.

[Lithium Sunset]

An emotioal affair is the conclusion you first come to when you don’t have proof of sex or the details of their interactions. And emotioal affair is what you tell yourself it was as you stay and give the relationship yet another chance. It’s what you believe their relationship is after years of gaslighting and you are told that that’s all it is.

It’s what wont help you leagally if you don’t have proof of intercourse and you want an absolute divorce instead of a limited.

And/or it’s the start of most physical affair because affairs start somewhere.

[mooseman]

A physical affair may be a momeny of weakness, imparment or other lapse in judgement--a bad choice they (hopefully) feel bad about after. It has a distinct start and end point and can be "policed"; they arent alone together, location/passwords shared.
An emotional one though....how do you pin point the moment feelings start or end? How do you know she doesnt still miss his embrace, his smile, his laugh? How do you trust again that they want to run to you FIRST?

The Sister in the story was hurt, lost and destroyed. The person she had leaned for years for emotional support (who she would have talked to) is the one who hurt her. To tell her to sit down and shut up is horrible, completely invalidiating how she felt and not allowing her a chance to navigate her pain. Its been a few years and i still find myself frequently triggered with no one to talk to without making it worse...i cant image being told that right out of the gate.

[Linked]

Does an emotional affair have to be romantic? Can the same effect be produced by leaning too much on platonic friends and coworkers, or is that something else?

[Jeffret]

Does an emotional affair have to be romantic? Can the same effect be produced by leaning too much on platonic friends and coworkers, or is that something else?

I think most people would generally consider it to have a romantic aspect, but there isn't an exact demarcation point or definition. Relying too much on platonic friends can definitely create problems in an intimate relationship. Anything that creates barriers or weakens the emotional bonds in the relationship can cause problems and and eventually lead to the marriage unraveling. These things could be just a matter of the couple not prioritizing their relationship enough and growing apart. It's good to have separate interests and separate identities, but it's also important to have shared interests and a strong identity as a couple.

[alas]

Does an emotional affair have to be romantic? Can the same effect be produced by leaning too much on platonic friends and coworkers, or is that something else?

I think most people would generally consider it to have a romantic aspect, but there isn't an exact demarcation point or definition. Relying too much on platonic friends can definitely create problems in an intimate relationship. Anything that creates barriers or weakens the emotional bonds in the relationship can cause problems and and eventually lead to the marriage unraveling. These things could be just a matter of the couple not prioritizing their relationship enough and growing apart. It's good to have separate interests and separate identities, but it's also important to have shared interests and a strong identity as a couple.

I think if it is a platonic friend, it is less of an affair, and more of a symptom that the marriage is not working in ways that the friend has nothing to do with. When a marriage is really in bad shape, one partner or the other often starts confiding in a platonic friend about the marriage problems. This is really pretty normal. But for it to be an emotional affair, I think the spouse has to fall in love with the other person. It is normal to turn to friends in times of trouble and marriage problems are no different. It is when it crosses the line into falling in love that it is a problem.

My daughter had an emotional affair in her first marriage. She was lesbian married to a man and fell in love with one of her female friends. At first she was treating the other woman as a friend, but as they got closer, they fell in love. She looked at it and decided the mixed orientation marriage was not working. But the falling in love for her was a symptom not the problem. Other times, the outside relationship is the problem because the one spouse being in love with someone else prevents any attempt to fix the marriage.

So, you can define emotional affair as an unconsummated affair. It has everything but acting on the sex.

Or one thing I saw with domestic violence was the husband accusing the wife of an emotional affair with same gender platonic friend or opposite gender acquaintance or platonic friend and it was all the abusive man's pathological jealousy

[2bizE]

thanks for all the explanations. sounds like an emotional affair can be quite devastating.