My Dad.. this might be the end

[Lithium Sunset]

This might be the end for my Dad. He is 62 and has smoked most of his life and apparently has been taking copious amounts of excedrin. I remember him popping vivarin when I was a kid so I guess he's been doing it steadily for years. I'm up north and he's down south. I should find out by tonight if I need to fly down. His heart is giving out on him....

My mom says he's scared which makes me fight back tears. They are divorced but she has stayed his friend all theses years and they are there for each other in desperate times. He has done a lot of bad things in his life... even now he does things I don't approve of(and you wouldn't either). He is also so hard on my sister but she is there for him always.

Anyway.... I want to call him so badly and tell him not to be afraid! But I don't know how. I can't imagine what he is feeling...
My mom left the church and so did my sister but my grandmother, his mom, who he lives with and my dad's brother are hard core TBM. So half(way more than half) of the family down there is TBM ...leadership worship mentality and all. You know how it is... the internal tear this religion causes. I want to call him and tell him not to be afraid of dying. That there will be no judgement and that I don't believe in the church at all. He needs to focus on being comfortable and fighting if he wants to. But I can't say there might be nothing after of course! And a small selfish part knows how my father is... if he comes out of this okay and I say I don't believe in the church then he will tell the whole family for gossip sake and to support his own disbelief.

I don't know if that made an sense....

He's my father and I love him. I forgave him years ago. He's suffering with trying to breath as his heart gives out and he's lashing out in anger because he's scared of dying.... I don't even know if he will find comfort in me telling him I don't believe... I don't even know what to say..... I'm in pain at the thought of him worrying about death. I am practical about the abuse he has put on his body... but I also have to face the possible death of my father and the thought of never seeing him again(in a resurrected, forgiven, whole body and mind) which sounds okay until your in the throes.

Thanks for the umpteenth time for making the new site.
And thank you to all the posters. My nephew has a boyfriend and if it wasn't for all of your posts on the old site.. I might have just left the church but kept my narrow mindedness.

Wow.. I tried to edit and ended up quoting... goodness

[alas]

I don't know your dad, but most people near death would not be comforted by knowing family agrees with them about religion, near as much as they would be just knowing that they are loved and will be missed and that they did the best they were capable of in this life.

My father at that point just wanted someone there with him. Everyone got a chance to say goodby and express their love. (I didn't take that opportunity because my dad was sexually abusive of me, but I just sat with him and held his hand and that seemed to be all he wanted) with my mother, we were all with her when she made the choice to refuse more painful treatment and go on hospice. That seemed to be all she needed. Both of my parents were nonbelievers and religion never even came up. They seemed more afraid of what they were leaving than what they were going to. They were also afraid of pain in the dying process. With my in laws, they were both TBM but my FIL had smoked all his adult life. My MIL was most afraid she would not be remembered. And my FIL just wanted to be with his wife again. He had always been most afraid of her dying than himself.

So, my advice for the two cents it is worth is to go see him and listen. His fears may not even be about the afterlife, or lack there of. But the only way to give him whatever assurance he needs is to listen to him. Settle your own feelings toward him so that you can let this be about him and not about you. And tell him you love him.

[Corsair]

Anyway.... I want to call him so badly and tell him not to be afraid! But I don't know how. I can't imagine what he is feeling...

This is one of the really tough situations that we don't know how to approach after a faith transition. But I had a friend give me some really good advice that applies no matter what you do or don't know about the afterlife. It's clear that you will be separated and alone from your father. But in his final days, he doesn't have to be alone. That's the final gift you can give to him before he passes. Any family with him can show that he is not alone no matter what anyone does or does not believe about God.

It's going to hurt for a long time. The gulf of death cannot be approached with certainty. I don't know that there is life after death, but I'm certainly in favor of it. Still, the loss of your father will be something that keep in the back of your mind. The loss you feel will be something that you take down and hold and feel sorrow over the loss of your father once in a while. It's OK to be sad about it now and in the future. But then you will put that sorrow back on a shelf and know that you can go on anyway because the love you held for your father is real no matter what else may or may not be real.

[Red Ryder]

So, my advice for the two cents it is worth is to go see him and listen. His fears may not even be about the afterlife, or lack there of. But the only way to give him whatever assurance he needs is to listen to him. Settle your own feelings toward him so that you can let this be about him and not about you. And tell him you love him.

This is excellent advice.

You'll have a lot of mixed emotions. Make sure you get enough sleep and try to eat too. Take care of yourself the best you can.

[Lithium Sunset]

Thank you so much for the wise words and support.

You're right Alas, I was projecting what I thought he was feeling rather than knowing what he was feeling, Thanks.

Thank you Corsair. You both are right (or course), I just need to be with him.

And finally thanks Red Ryder.

It's hard to be far away from family at times like these so thanks for letting me freak out a bit. Sometimes you need others to grab your hand and pull you out of the center too be able to see a little more clearly.

[Silver Girl]

You're in my thoughts, Dear Friend. I wish you and your father peace through whatever is ahead.

[Zack Tacorin Dos]

LS,

I'm so sad to hear about your dad, and I'm sorry this is so difficult. Just want you to know I'm thinking about you as I'm sure the rest of this NOMite crew is doing.

Keep us posted inasmuch as you find it helpful to share your thoughts and feelings.

Zack

[Fifi de la Vergne]

I'm so sorry. There's better counsel given already than I have to offer, but I'm thinking of you. Do take care of yourself; these times take a physical as well as an emotional toll.

[MalcolmVillager]

LS I am so sorry for your dilemma and pain. Follow your heart. Love is most important. IF that is something you can share, it would be a powerful gesture. YOU are in our thoughts.

[Vlad the Emailer]

So sorry, LS, this really sad. But I agree with the others, the best thing you can do now, if it is possible, is to be with him.

In the meantime, your NOM friends are thinking of you!

[Lithium Sunset]

I did it again... the other day I forgot to copy my post before hitting submit and it asked me to log in again. So although I have to pack!! I wanted to jump on and try again.

Thank you for all the kind words!
It feels so good to know I am headed down to be with him. He has had a really rough week. I don't do well with any suffering, human or animal, and then it being a family member... well you know.

My past certainly rears it's ugly head (like on the old site... oy vey) but leaving the church as been so good for me. The best part, in reguards to my father, is that I now forgive on my terms. I am not forced to forgive anyone because I am desperate for forgiveness. Culture of guilt anyone? Leaving the church has helped me truly understand how human we all are and most of us are just doing the best we can, so I find it easier to forgive... ironic.

The boys will miss me for Thanksgiving but maybe that's a good thing. They will certainly manage.
I plan on enjoying tea around my Dad as a nod to how I feel about the church's beliefs and enjoying oldies music with him. Hopefully I can bring him some sunshine. It will be hard but I'll get through with family hugs, music, and probably revisiting this thread from time to time haha.... Oh and reading a book my counselor let me borrow title Boundaries(a must before I get there!)

I know I can come back here and post a happy message or come back and type through tears... that is a great comfort, to know I am not alone so thanks again.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. Safe Travels to all of us.

[Fifi de la Vergne]

I'm glad you're going to be with your dad and that you seem to be in a good place about it. It's a hard thing to go through -- I hope you will be able to bring him sunshine and that you will have comfort from these memories in years to come. Hugs.