The mormon machine is too strong!

[Linked]

I had to take a break from my break to sympathize with you here RR.

That's a rough couple events. The double whammy of tithing settlement and family temple trips. I got cornered in the hall to schedule tithing settlement and I blew it off. Then I told my wife that I think I am going to make skipping tithing settlement a family holiday tradition. She wasn't too happy with the comment, but she doesn't like tithing settlement either.

DW and I have not had a bad week in a while, and we've even gotten through some angry and apostate moments, so I hope things are really and permanently improved. But I have a nagging feeling that she feels guilty and ashamed about the apostate moments and about me, and that's not how I would want to live. The only complete solutions to that guilt and shame are us apostates un-apostasizing, or our TBM spouses finding the will and way to fully embrace us as we are, or divorce I suppose. But the likely outcome for me is finding ways to balance the level of guilt and shame DW feels against my apostate desires and living with the fact that my DW is going to dislike a huge part of me for finding my way out of the indoctrination.

Happy Holidays!

[StarbucksMom]

I'm sorry RR. I happen to be married to a spouse that was never really into going to the temple (When we went I always planned it) and doesn't pay tithing. But he does love going to church, and I absolutely detest it. It causes a lot of problems.
I am actually surprised she wanted to go to a couples temple session like that. Sometimes RS women go together, or on ward night there are usually people w/o a spouse--it seems that would be much better for your wife's emotional health.

[MerrieMiss]

I really hate what this has done to my mormon marriage. We can't question. We can't win. We can't even compete. The mormon machine is too strong. So you win again mormon machine! You win!

Yep.

I lost it again today (I lose my temper every Sunday), and I've considered texting my husband who is sitting in meetings at the church, "I'm sorry I got angry." But why? Why am I sorry? At what point is he or the church going to apologize? Why am I always taking the high road?

I should count my blessings though - a family temple trip? Yuck, that sounds like the worst.

[Thoughtful]

I'm sorry for what you are going through, I am there with you in the same boat. It's getting harder and harder to do this. This is an example of why the Church is not a benign, harmless religion - it is toxic and harmful to families starting the second any member of it begins to diverge from the Mormon way of doing things. I wish it were completely out of my life.

Even if you're not out, the lack of boundaries and "we will force you to account for your non participation" attitude.

My daughter woke up at 3am with gastro upset, both ends. She told her YW leaders she wouldn't be at YW. We were out running an errand and she came along symptoms subsided, whining the whole time about being ill. We passed the YW leader on the rounds to pick up YW for mutual. Not 30 seconds later the leader texted (while driving) to say, "it looks like you're feeling better!" Daughter was nonplussed, and incidentally, still sick.

[GoodBoy]

I'm struck by two things from your post:
1. How much your wife wants to be admired by her Mormon friends and family.
2. How much you love your wife.

Like you, I don't have any solutions. Just empathy that this sucks. And as a reminder: You are not crazy or deluded. They are all crazy and deluded.

[crazyhamster]

I'm so sorry to hear you're still going through stuff like this, RR. I hope you guys can make it work out. I know it's difficult because the church is not going to be the one to move on any issue. Please take care, my friend, and know my thoughts are with you!

[NewLight]

Little late to this thread, but just wanted to let you know RR that my thoughts are with you. It sucks when one person is in so deeply and it causes such grief among spouses. I can only hope that you both can work through it somehow and come out stronger on the other side of it.

I could not talk to my wife much at all about what I was going through learning the truth about the church for some years, but once my kids became adults and quit attending after their temple marriages, she wanted to learn and study so she could show them the error of their ways and reclaim them to "the fold". What ended up happening was that she left with the rest of us complaining how lame the apologist arguments and explanations were. I can only hope your wife will come around like mine did.

Good luck!