A New Name, an Old Friend

[FreeFallin]

I've been a part of the NOM community since 2010, but never posted an introduction and haven't been a regular poster for years. But I love the community and was so sad and lonely when the old board went down. THANKS THANKS THANKS for resurrecting this place. I'm so happy to have this community back again.

I'm a BIC member, temple married, (was a) SAHM, pioneer stock, etc. etc. As most of you can relate, my entire identity was coiled up in Mormonism. It all fell apart for me about 7 years ago. I had been struggling with depression, and when my intelligent and thoughtful teenage son began to show signs of deep depression, I understood that I had to help myself in order to help him. So I went to work. The traditional methods (medication and talk therapy) had not been helpful so I studied and searched on my own. I found that mormon books on any topic around this subject might have a few helpful pieces, but they always in some way promoted personal shame and unworthiness, and I knew that would only increase my depression. I already felt worthless, useless, unwanted, and of no value. So I searched outside of mormonism, and as I began to find useful and helpful information, I couldn't understand why these things weren't talked about in church, why wasn't a prophet of god addressing these modern day issues. Everyone knows that anti-depressent use is especially high in Utah. So these and other questions began to form in my mind, and one day I allowed myself to ask the unthinkable, "what if there is no 'one and only' true church?"

I physically felt knots untie in my stomach. The relief was immense. Suddenly my mom's part-member family was fine, my wonderful non-mormon boss was fine, humanity was fine. I took it as a spiritual expression that God was saying it was ok for me to move outside of mormonism and continue my progress. I didn't know that the church was wrong, I just knew that it was not for me. I intended to continue attending church for several months until a planned move, but I found that I couldn't tolerate church without believing that it was "true." Things people said grated! As RS Secretary, I felt it was wrong for me to take rolls and turn in the names of adult women who had chosen not to attend a certain number of weeks in a month. The manipulation and control and fear tactics, the guilt and shame, the authoritarianism and arrogance was unbearable. I probably attended another month and then I asked to be released from my 2 callings. All through this process, I discussed everything with my TBM DH. He was supportive of all of my questioning and searching until I found that I didn't believe. Then we could no longer talk reasonably about religion. There was never any threats of divorce over my leaving the church, but it definitely put an additional strain on our marriage.

Several months later we moved 2500 miles away from the little Idaho town and I began to struggle again with deep depression. I tried to attend church in the new area, and while the people were very kind and reached out and befriended our family, I couldn't stand the church experience (I attended activities and made friends though). So one lonely day I got on the computer to see if there was perhaps another person in the whole wide world who had their religion collapse underneath them. I typed, "support for leaving mormonism." And WOW did a world open up. It took me several more months to find NOM and I quickly fell in love with the community and learned everything about the underbelly of mormonism. It was devastating and validating all at the same time. NOM became my community home since that time, and while I am a wallflower type who prefers to watch from the sidelines, belonging in this community means a great deal to me.

When the new NOM board came up I decided to let go of the old identity and start fresh with a new name, which describes me better in this part of my transition out of mormonism. I don't have answers, but I am incredibly grateful to finally be able to ask any questions I want. I don't know where I will go from here, and I am learning to let go of the idea of having any kind of control on this thing called life. I am FreeFallin.

Thanks again for bringing NOM back. <3

[SeeNoEvil]

... Suddenly my mom's part-member family was fine, my wonderful non-mormon boss was fine, humanity was fine. I took it as a spiritual expression that God was saying it was ok for me to move outside of mormonism and continue my progress. I didn't know that the church was wrong, I just knew that it was not for me. .... I felt it was wrong for me to take rolls and turn in the names of adult women who had chosen not to attend a certain number of weeks in a month. The manipulation and control and fear tactics, the guilt and shame, the authoritarianism and arrogance was unbearable....

This!! A thousand times THIS!! ... And how wonderful it was indeed to discover a new and beautiful world, ... and golly gee .... all we had to do was take the blinders off. Congratulations in finding a new life and thought and of course finding NOM. I look forward to hearing more of your story. Welcome!

[AllieOop]

All through this process, I discussed everything with my TBM DH. He was supportive of all of my questioning and searching until I found that I didn't believe. Then we could no longer talk reasonably about religion. There was never any threats of divorce over my leaving the church, but it definitely put an additional strain on our marriage.

Hi FreeFallin! I enjoyed reading your intro

If you don't mind me asking, where is your husband now regarding the church? Is he still TBM? (You don't need to answer that if it's too personal...)

Anyway...I'm so glad you're here and I look forward to learning more about you and hearing more from you!

[Silver Girl]

Great introduction FreeFallin - thanks for sharing where you are and where you've been. I look forward to your posts & I hope you're more active here than you recall being on the other site!

[MalcolmVillager]

Thanks for sharing. This was raw and vulnerable. So great that NOM allows us to be those things.

I too am curious of DH if you choose to share.

[FreeFallin]

Thanks for the warm welcomes.

My husband is still a believer, but he rarely attends anymore. We had a few rough years (there were other issues already creating problems). He was sure that the devil made me do leave the church, thanks to bishop K. We are at a pretty good place now accepting each other where we are and finally making some much needed improvements in other areas of our marriage.

[AllieOop]

Thanks for the warm welcomes.

My husband is still a believer, but he rarely attends anymore. We had a few rough years (there were other issues already creating problems). He was sure that the devil made me do leave the church, thanks to bishop K. We are at a pretty good place now accepting each other where we are and finally making some much needed improvements in other areas of our marriage.

That's great to hear

[Zack Tacorin Dos]

FreeFallin,

Glad to have you back, though I can't say I've placed you by the name you used to use, but that's not important.

Loved your story. So glad you were able to begin untying knots that Mormonism had pulled together so tightly. Am I reading it right that this helped a lot with the depression? I hope so, and good for you for figuring this out. I can only imagine how difficult it was to live like that and how difficult it was to figure out what would help you. Congrats!

Also congrats on where you and your hubby are. So what if you don't believe the same things as long as you have respect and love for one another.

Thanks for sharing,
Zack

[Jinx]

Hi FreeFallin!

I had a similar experience when my DH asked me "What if it just isn't true?" It was like a huge weight had fallen off my shoulders that I didn't even realize was there. That was a revelation to me, possibly the first real revelation I've ever experienced. After that experience I can never go back to belief. The relief was too palpable and too wonderful.

[FreeFallin]

.... Am I reading it right that this helped a lot with the depression? I hope so, and good for you for figuring this out. I can only imagine how difficult it was to live like that and how difficult it was to figure out what would help you.

Hey Zack, thanks for the comment. I have moved through the depression fairly well, only to discover an underbelly of anxiety. I am working through that now. My son has come through his depression as well, is currently seeing a therapist, and is completely inactive with church, though he may still believe some of it. Mormonism mostly seems irrelevant to him -- and probably his generation to a large degree. I'm good with that.

I had a similar experience when my DH asked me "What if it just isn't true?" It was like a huge weight had fallen off my shoulders that I didn't even realize was there. That was a revelation to me, possibly the first real revelation I've ever experienced. After that experience I can never go back to belief. The relief was too palpable and too wonderful.

Right?

That kind of huge relief is a clear message that something needed to change. In spite of the difficulty of leaving the church, losing the respect of family and friends, and having to start all over again from ... scratch, was all worth it. I still feel incredible relief when I think about being out of the church.

[Hagoth]

I still feel incredible relief when I think about being out of the church.

That is a statement that would make no sense to the average TBM. It simply can't happen. But this is the real world and I'm so glad it happened for you!