Weekend in SLC

[Fifi de la Vergne]

I’ve come a long way towards achieving indifference in the 3 years since my shelf collapsed. In a lot of ways it’s been easy for me since my birth family is entirely never-mo. I am stubborn and reclusive and haven’t really missed the community, since it was always a mixed blessing for me anyway.

This last weekend we made a trek (think Winter Quarters to SLC) back to Utah for DH’s grandmother's funeral, and I’m feeling very wobbly and not as indifferent as I would like to. There was huge extended family there, not all active LDS but mostly, and I felt like an outsider in ways that I don’t normally. I don’t have any desire to go back to church, I don’t question my decision to withdraw from activity or whether I could be mistaken about the conclusions I’ve reached about the facts . . . but there’s a huge ache in my heart and a sense of loss I was unprepared to feel. Mormonism has something (assurance? Lack of ambiguity? In its better moments, love?) that still really appeals to me and that it hurt to feel on the outside of.

There were a lot of eye-rolling moments for sure – like when DH had a cup of dark liquid that looked like iced tea but turned out to be apple cider and SIL just couldn’t not say anything . . . and the underlying assumption on the part of the active family that everyone else was in very sad shape (I was privy to some of these conversations because although everyone sort of knows that I don’t attend church I have been silent on exactly why).

Back home, as I return to my routine and what has become my normal, it will all get better. But today I just wanted to touch base with folks who can relate to all the complicated feelings I’m experiencing. I need my touchstone of sanity, the validation that we give each other (because we never never get it from the TBMs in our life).

[Hagoth]

Welcome to Zion, Fifi! Good to hear from you.

I find that I do just fine in TBM groups if I try to smile and be friendly and enjoy the community and take whatever wacky stuff they say with a grain of salt. I try to imagine that I'm at something like a UFO conference. Just because I don't believe in flying saucers doesn't mean I can't enjoy the people and their particular brand of crazy.

Apologies to any UFOlogists here. I will not take offense if you don't accept my belief in the microscopic Godzilla that lives in my ear canal.

[No Tof]

I think I can relate to your feelings. It would be nice to go back and have the good memories be based on a solid basis of honesty. I’d even do all the crazy shtuff I always did if

I could say it really is gods kingdom on earth. However despite my efforts to maintain an open mind that that is possible, I just can’t see it ever coming back into focus.

Therefore if I ever begin to wax nostalgic about my faithful past and long for things to be as they were I just have to ask myself. “Can I trust this organization?”

The answer always comes back the same and I move forward.


I understand it can be hard to see our loved ones deeply involved in the church and see their ignorant bliss. At times it seems easier.

I also trust that now you are back home your rational mind is getting itself recalibrated.

Deep cleansing breaths. It will all be ok.

[Red Ryder]

I know that feeling all too well!

A nice cup of your favorite coffee and a few minutes of quiet reflection in a comfy spot at home or about is a great way to reset. Since I don't drink coffee at home, I like to go sit in the bookstore and grab a random autobiography off the shelf and learn about someone else's interesting life. That always brings me back and clears my mind of the Mormon hangover. That and a nice fresh comfy pair of underwear of my choosing!

[StarbucksMom]

Good to hear from you Fifi. I understand feeling like an outsider, and I hate it. When I'm at a church function like a scout meeting, or dropping my 12 yo daughter off for camp, or even Sac meeting, I feel like an outsider. I feel like people are judging me and when they do talk to me, it's for some stupid charity re-activation BS. (sometimes it's genuine.)

I try to imagine that I'm at something like a UFO conference. Just because I don't believe in flying saucers doesn't mean I can't enjoy the people and their particular brand of crazy.

Hagoth, this made me literally laugh out loud. And I believe in UFOs!!

[BriansThoughtMirror]

I felt like an outsider in ways that I don’t normally. I don’t have any desire to go back to church, I don’t question my decision to withdraw from activity or whether I could be mistaken about the conclusions I’ve reached about the facts . . . but there’s a huge ache in my heart and a sense of loss I was unprepared to feel. Mormonism has something (assurance? Lack of ambiguity? In its better moments, love?) that still really appeals to me and that it hurt to feel on the outside of.

Yep, I can relate exactly. At my last family reunion, I skipped church. I sure as heck didn't want to be there, but I also didn't want to feel like an outsider in my own family. It's weird. I also miss the close, personal connection of sharing something as personal as religion. I feel like I've become more distant with my family, despite our efforts (and we all try). That bothers me.

Also, as for lacking "something", I think Mormonism gave me a sense of purpose, certainty, goodness, transcendence, and connection that I've found hard to replace. I think this is something that you can get from many religions (and maybe elsewhere?). Jonathan Haidt's TED talk about religion and transcendent experiences nails what I think that "something" probably is. Let us all know if you find it!

https://www.ted.com/talks/jonathan_haid ... nscendence

[RubinHighlander]

I try to imagine that I'm at something like a UFO conference. Just because I don't believe in flying saucers doesn't mean I can't enjoy the people and their particular brand of crazy.

That's a great analogy!

With my TBM friends and cooworkers I can dance a bit on the edges of humor with their faith because I lived that lifestyle so many years; things like how difficult certain callings are or the drudges of all the meetings they have to attend. I try to be careful not to get into negative or controversial topics with them. I do test the waters a bit with more scientific things sometimes; like evolution and creation. So far that works pretty well.

It didn't take me long to be okay with not having all the life purpose answers anymore, so that cogdis didn't last too long. I have felt a lot of empathy for my DW, as she still struggles with loosing that personal relationship with the Mormon God and Christ entities and also the promise of the eternal marriage/family. Otherwise there no loss of community, as we never attended much of that anyway. I can be in a sacrament meeting or other TBM event and feel perfectly comfortable, it's still a struggle for her.

[Meilingkie]

So glad I live someplace else than the Morridor

Hagoth gave me a chuckle with:
I try to imagine that I'm at something like a UFO conference. Just because I don't believe in flying saucers doesn't mean I can't enjoy the people and their particular brand of crazy.


It´s a bit too much for me. So I just drop the DW and kids off IF they want to visit Church, I literally don´t even allow my tyres to touch the parkinglot of the chapel. Gone = Gone, especially after a member of my stakepresidency from the ward booted me from a whatsapp-group for BBQ´s and other nice get togethers (organised outside of church).
So I wrote him I would resign the Church, next day I see Arjan removed you from the group.....
I have my inlaws left to contend with, which is bad enough.
Have just a few friends I keep in contact with, who are LDS and real friends.