What's missing from your life?

[Red Ryder]

Do you ever feel like something's missing from your life? By third world standards, I can literally say I have it all. Food, shelter, a job, a great family, reliable transportation, my health, an extra pair of jeans, a garden, and a fake Christmas tree out in the garage. What else do I really need?

I can't put a finger on it though something feels missing. It's not an unborn baby waiting in the spirit world, or a puppy, or a desire to see and travel the world. It's just a small hole that I don't know how to fill? And it's bothering me...

[deacon blues]

What are you anticipating in your future? Is there anything you are excited about? A trip, a project, heaven?

[Linked]

I hear you.

Let me channel my inner Eyring. "That feeling of missing is the call of the world you have turned your back on. Because of the veil, you have forgotten, but by those feelings of the spirit you can feel the pull of the other side. (Tears filling eyes now, but not actually crying, and voice choking up) You are a beloved son of god and he is calling for you. Answer his call."

Those talks always inspired me.

For me I think a feeling of closeness with my DW is missing. Also, I could do better making quality time with my kids. And a feeling of fulfillment from work comes and goes. The days I feel things aren't missing are often on vacations with my family. And never on days I go to church.

[wtfluff]

Oh man. What's missing?

That's a:

L
O
N
G

List. I'm not even going to start.


That being said, like the OP mentioned: I have more than sufficient for my needs.


Truly #FirstWorldProblems

[redjay]

Authenticity. A solid pension pot.

But too busy to reflect too deeply.

[RubinHighlander]

I don't have many complaints; I'm much happier now postMo. Retirement funds suck, thanks primarily to my lack of planning and self discipline when I was younger, a big financial setback of divorce and paying 10% to the COB for too many years.

As far as the philosophical side of life there is the gap of no longer knowing if there's a higher purpose to life or life after death. Mostly I'm okay with that but the knowledge gap in the existence of self awareness in this vast universe certainly can be a point of cogdis. But I also realize it's that kind of cogdis that invented religion and pseudoscience to fill those gaps. Thus, I'm more okay with having the gap than filling it with human-made BS or a false sense that I have all the answers.

[didyoumythme]

For me it think I need better balance in my life (social, physical exercise, nature time, reading books etc.). More variety and intentional activities.

We are social creatures, so your hole could relate to interaction with people. We all feel better when we have friendly social interactions and learn about others' experiences. Serving others feels good to us heathens too.

[Corsair]

I can't put a finger on it though something feels missing. It's not an unborn baby waiting in the spirit world, or a puppy, or a desire to see and travel the world. It's just a small hole that I don't know how to fill? And it's bothering me...

How can you tell that there is a hole? At what point in your routine do you feel the pull of some other activity that you need to drive you forward?

[Wonderment]

Do you ever feel like something's missing from your life? By third world standards, I can literally say I have it all. Food, shelter, a job, a great family, reliable transportation, my health, an extra pair of jeans, a garden, and a fake Christmas tree out in the garage. What else do I really need?

When you say you have a great family...... I'm assuming that you have a significant other, a spouse, a soul-mate, someone like that? I'm sorry if that is too personal a question.

( I always thought I would stay single my entire life, but I found out I'm a lot happier with a husband / soul-mate/ whatever a partner is called these days). Just "wondering" from Wndr.

[trophywife26.2]

Yup. I don't know what's missing from my life. That thing I used to call God. A greater purpose bigger than myself. That doesn't make sense either though. I have a lovely family. I love my spouse, my kids, and my job that is extremely fulfilling/meaningful. It's just that no matter how I fill that place I used to hold in my heart for what I used to call God, nothing really fits.

For me, I think that is because I have a highly dysfunctional relationship with my parents. They don't care that I left the church, but we've been in a role reversal since I was about 10 years old (me comforting them over their troubles, me being patient and steady). It's just not healthy and they aren't there for me. That which I called God used to make up for that lack of parental support, but now there's nothing.

I know what I used to call God is really just me, but it's a lonely feeling realizing that maybe I can only count on myself. My spouse is amazing and I count on him in many real ways, but with my skeptical view of the world and my upbringing and my betrayal loss of favor with the church I still hold a tiny space in my mind like what if.. Could I really always count on him, what if, what if, what if. I've only ever been able to rely on myself in a way. This is a me problem, not a him problem.

Here's to therapy! Which I'm also skeptical of.

Better luck to all of you fine folks.

[nibbler]

I know that feeling of something missing. I can't speak for everyone, only me, but I think it comes from a lifetime of chasing things that you think will make you happy, obtaining some of them, and finding out that those things weren't as fulfilling as you thought they would be. Maybe there's also an element where you begin to realize that setting your sights on chasing something new in your quest for happiness will land you right back in the same predicament that you're currently in, always looking for that next thing that will make you happy. At some point you ask, "Why bother?" or, "Why can't I be happy with where I'm at?"

You think you'll be happy once you become financially independent. You start making some headway on that front but still feel like something is missing. What will fix it, more money?

You spend a lifetime worrying about your standing before god, your salvation. You have a faith crisis and realize that right now you are as saved as you are ever going to be. It removes a lot of the strife but you still feel like something is missing. What will fix it, redefining what it means to be saved?

We're the proverbial dog that chases the car but doesn't know what we'd do if we ever caught it.

I've found that the approach that the LDS church trained me up on in didn't prepare me for this leg of my journey. The orthodox answer is that we set more goals in our quest for perfection. It sets us up to defer being comfortable in our own skin until perfection is attained sometime in the next life. The teachings don't do a good job of helping us be content with who we are in the present.

I've turned to eastern philosophy to help me process some of this. It's a new way of looking at the problems that consciousness presents. Also, I see some benefit in feeling like there's something missing in my life. If there's anything in my life that serves as an impetus to continue my spiritual journey it will be the feeling that something is currently missing. That feeling of emptiness can be a driving force.

[Linked]

Perhaps some of it is because we are wired to not actually be happy. I think I have posted this before, but I had an Econ professor who wrote a paper on happiness that might have some insight.

We model happiness as a measurement tool used to rank alternative actions. Evolution favors a happiness function that measures the individual’s success in relative terms. The optimal function is based on a time-varying reference point—or performance benchmark—that is updated over time in a statistically optimal way in order to match the individual’s potential. Habits and peer comparisons arise as special cases of such an updating process. This updating also results in a volatile level of happiness that continuously reverts to its long-term mean. Throughout, we draw a parallel with a problem of optimal incentives, which allows us to apply statistical insights from agency theory to the study of happiness.

Happiness is not based on an absolute level of happiness bringing stuff (money, relationships, freedom, etc...). It may spike after an increase in happiness bringing stuff, but will level off to a long-term mean if the situation remains the same. Getting a raise gives a short boost of happiness, but then we get used to it and revert back to our previous level.

It's like we are wired to constantly be optimizing our situation. Once one solution is in place we are compelled to seek another. Feeling that something is missing could be part of our long-term mean level of happiness. And I think some people's long term mean is different than others; some people are just happier people on average.

[alas]

Yup. I don't know what's missing from my life. That thing I used to call God. A greater purpose bigger than myself. That doesn't make sense either though. I have a lovely family. I love my spouse, my kids, and my job that is extremely fulfilling/meaningful. It's just that no matter how I fill that place I used to hold in my heart for what I used to call God, nothing really fits.

For me, I think that is because I have a highly dysfunctional relationship with my parents. They don't care that I left the church, but we've been in a role reversal since I was about 10 years old (me comforting them over their troubles, me being patient and steady). It's just not healthy and they aren't there for me. That which I called God used to make up for that lack of parental support, but now there's nothing.

I know what I used to call God is really just me, but it's a lonely feeling realizing that maybe I can only count on myself. My spouse is amazing and I count on him in many real ways, but with my skeptical view of the world and my upbringing and my betrayal loss of favor with the church I still hold a tiny space in my mind like what if.. Could I really always count on him, what if, what if, what if. I've only ever been able to rely on myself in a way. This is a me problem, not a him problem.

Here's to therapy! Which I'm also skeptical of.

Better luck to all of you fine folks.

Therapy helps, but you have work to do outside of therapy. My parents were the same way. And it has taken a long time, and moving far far away to change the dynamics. You have to keep in mind at every interaction, that you are not the parent. You have to set boundaries and stick to them, and expect whining and feelings of desertion from your parents. First, move away. Then do not figure out skype or other forms of immediate interaction. Letters, good old fashioned letters worked wonders for me, but email would do fine too. Just a way that you get to think between what they say and how you respond. If you try talking on the phone, you resort to rescuing them because it is habit. So, slow interactions down to give you a chance to catch yourself when they get needy and want you to give them the advice/emotional support/parenting they feel they need. I told my mom to get into therapy, then moved to Germany. She was not a happy camper. She complained to her therapist over and over about how I was cutting the whole family out of my life, bla bla bla. No, I was just setting up healthier boundaries. In her letters to me she would complain, and I read her whining but did not respond with sympathy or advice or any response at all. It is not the daughters job (at 5 through 50) to take care of her mother. (Perhaps when mom is 70 or 80 a role reversal is appropriate, when mom is no longer capable of taking care of herself) but just because she is too lazy or emotionally incompetent to take care of herself, doesn't mean it is your job. But training mom and dad to grow the blank up means setting firmer boundaries and not letting them treat you as their parent.

I had less trouble with dad because I did pretty much cut him out of my life because of the sexual abuse, which is sometimes part of the whole role reversal situation when everyone in the family starts looking to the oldest daughter as the mom, including her father seeing her as a sexual partner. So, if that part of it doesn't apply to you, set up the same boundaries with both parents.

As to the something missing, I still lack a community, but that has been missing even when I was active and trying to use church as community. I just didn't fit in and so was pretty much outside the community anyway. But that is something I know I lack, but I don't FEEL a lack, if you can follow that thought. I am a bit too content to be Kermit the hermit. So, really, no I do not feel a need for anything, but am happy and content with life.

[Anon70]

I have pondered this the last few days. I do have a slight sense of dissatisfaction lately. But like others have said, am so privileged it seems really ignorant to say something is missing. Yet....I would say-agency. I can't decide if I'm having a mid life crisis or what but I just would like to choose more for myself. I'm active for my spouse. I live where we live for my family. I work where I do because reasons. I would like more of the things in my life to be in my life because "I" chose them. Because they are "my" preference.

[Hermey]

Your family.

[Thoughtful]

I noticed that when I entered the paid professional workforce, church started dropping out of my life.

I am making a real difference, helping people now, no need to play at it at church.

What is missing is I'm not as nice anymore. Partly because when you work with abused children, you no longer have time to be wasted by nonsense.

But also partly because I have been too busy and a little full of myself.

Im going to spend the holidays revisiting a few things I used to value, but haven't done myself lately:

Meal plan and cooking regularly, healthy meals.
Clean and decorate my home.
Be nicer, and be genuine.
Snuggle my kids.
Teach my dogs some tricks.
Watch my hens.
Practice piano.

Im still going to throw myself hard into my work. I'll probably avoid church as much as I can too.

[Give It Time]

Perhaps some of it is because we are wired to not actually be happy. I think I have posted this before, but I had an Econ professor who wrote a paper on happiness that might have some insight.

We model happiness as a measurement tool used to rank alternative actions. Evolution favors a happiness function that measures the individual’s success in relative terms. The optimal function is based on a time-varying reference point—or performance benchmark—that is updated over time in a statistically optimal way in order to match the individual’s potential. Habits and peer comparisons arise as special cases of such an updating process. This updating also results in a volatile level of happiness that continuously reverts to its long-term mean. Throughout, we draw a parallel with a problem of optimal incentives, which allows us to apply statistical insights from agency theory to the study of happiness.

Happiness is not based on an absolute level of happiness bringing stuff (money, relationships, freedom, etc...). It may spike after an increase in happiness bringing stuff, but will level off to a long-term mean if the situation remains the same. Getting a raise gives a short boost of happiness, but then we get used to it and revert back to our previous level.

It's like we are wired to constantly be optimizing our situation. Once one solution is in place we are compelled to seek another. Feeling that something is missing could be part of our long-term mean level of happiness. And I think some people's long term mean is different than others; some people are just happier people on average.

This post reminded me of a different perspective.

It is a common thing for we westerners to do, that when we have a lingering sense of dissatisfaction, to believe we are lacking something. When it is quite likely, we have too much or we don't appreciate what we already have.

What do I lack? Appreciation for my blessings.

[Meilingkie]

What am I missing, depends when and where you are asking.
On sundays I miss my DW and kids next to me during my own church-service.
In church I kinda miss the need to be busied. I can sit, listen and relax, and it feels really strange.
I lost a few friends and many acquaintances, but do I miss them, a bit.
Talks with some of my inlaws are harder, Church was a never-ending fount of banter. No more now.
But in the end, I feel much, much better, much happier, much more fulfilled than I have been the last 7 years.

Oh, and I would like an Astrophysics Inc. 130mm Gran Turismo GTX Telescope..........

[achilles]

We need you to hit the pavement and make sure some right wing wacko doesn't replace Sen. Flake. You're gonna have another spot to fill in the next few years, too. Please.

[Emower]

Purpose? Honestly, my whole life was about moving up the priesthood ladder, callings, and serving others. I am not sure what to do with myself now, especially because I can't go outside for most of the freakin year.