I'm battling some depression

[Thoughtful]

On one hand, not having a testimony is great. I went to the ranch store today and spent a Franklin on dog treats for the heck of it.

On the other, the pressure to maintain appearance of a testimony at church (well about town really) is getting me down. I am terrified of being shunned, being a project, being looked down on for not being "strong". I hate that my living with integrity makes me look like the one who isn't... because the church has none.

I have always been so strong, confident, assertive, about everything I do. Now that I'm seeing the church for what it is, I can't speak up out of respect for others (and self protection).

Spouseman has done what he can to relieve pressure at home -- no Gen Con this weekend. When I came downstairs to run on the treadmill he switched it off and turned on 90s alternative. He listened to me complain about Oaks talk and the priesthood is a rocket talk. He didn't say anything, but I gave him a candy and said if he eats it we're married and he ate it. He and I are ok.

My friends are asking what's wrong. I used to lift with them, do yoga and Zumba and now I don't. I just run alone. I can't say what's wrong bc they are TBM. I'm pulling out body hairs one at a time (blondes have more fun because we don't have to shave?)

Im fine at work. Everything makes sense there. I can be confident and speak up about what's right and everyone takes my word. I fix people's lives there. I can't work all the time though. I need to recreate my life and focus on something else.

If I speak up here, in this town, I don't doubt they will ex me because I have influence. If I leave church, I have to take my kids with me because I won't be left out of their lives. Then all hell breaks loose with the grandparents.

[Mormorrisey]

I haven't gone through what you are experiencing, but I sure can offer my empathy. I'm so sorry you feel as trapped as you do. At the same time I'm glad that your spouse seems to be very supportive, and that's a plus you can hang your hat on, a beam of light in a dark room.

Sending you positive vibes through the inter webs.

[deacon blues]

Depression is tough to fight because it can be caused by one thing, or many, or a combination of things. Exercise is great- keep it up. This is the season for seasonal depression for many people, so try and spend some time outdoors. If it continues, seek medical help. Medication may not be for everyone, but it turned my life around. Good luck. After a lifetime fighting depression, I am happy, and it is all worth it. (grand kids among other things)

[Silver Girl]

I'm sorry you're dealing with the "down in the dumps" part of the transition. When your life has been controlled by an outside organization telling you not only what to do all day, but that it should make you happy, you can't just flip a switch and substitute something else. You don't yet know what you can swap for the church, and you are still learning to give yourself permission to do that. It's all very tiring.

Hang in there - please know we are there for you. Maybe you can discuss antidepressants with your primary care doc?

[trophywife26.2]

Wow. Very, very, very relateable post for me. I have struggled with my mental health since I left the church. It was everything to me and it has been hard to find a way to be positive since leaving. I do live an authentic life now and have resigned so my situation is different.

I know I would benefit from therapy. Is that something that could be a possibility for you?

I have not put in the legwork to finding out a therapist in my area and find out the necessary info with my insurance just yet. Until then I am listening to Kesha-Rainbow on repeat over and over. The whole album, but especially the song are healing my heart. I'll put a link and some lyrics at the bottom.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It's not fair. We are here for you whenever you need it.

Yeah, maybe my head's f**ed up
But I'm falling right back in love with being alive
Dreaming in light, light, lights
This kitty cat lost her mind
Been lookin' for a star-sent sign that I'll be alright
Look to the skies

[Chorus 1]
I’ve found a rainbow, rainbow, baby
Trust me, I know, life is scary
But just put those colors on, girl
Come and play along with me tonight

[Verse 2]
I'd forgot how to daydream
So consumed with the wrong things
But in the dark, I realized this life is short
And deep down, I'm still a child
Playful eyes, wide and wild
I can't lose hope, what's left of my heart's still made of gold


[Pre-Chorus 2]
And I know that I'm still f***ed up
But aren't we all, my love?
Darling, our scars make us who we are, are
So when the winds are howling strong
And you think you can't go on, hold tight, sweetheart

You'll find a rainbow, rainbow, baby
Trust me, I know life is scary
But just put those colors on, girl
Come and play along with me tonight
You gotta learn to let go, put the past behind you
Trust me, I know, the ghosts will try to find you
But just put those colors on, girl
Come and paint the world with me tonight
Night, night, night, night, night

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sd5dcjXzuGk

Also, her song Praying and Hymn.

Had to deal with fall out with grandparents (my husband's parents) it was hard, but we lived. And someday if or when you decide you are ready you will make it through that too. You are strong, but it takes great strength to ask for help from friends, family and professionals. Sending love your way.

[Thoughtful]

Thanks all. I have a doc appt at the end of the month. I don't think she is willing to rx for antidepressants. Counseling is tricky because of my job. I know them all and don't trust them much because I've seen their practices and I consult on their cases. I may need to work with journaling or find Tele therapy.

[EternityIsNow]

Have you considered finding a nuanced way to come out to your TBM friends and others in your town? Rather than just dropping the whole bomb of disbelief on them, (classically) condition them to slowly get used to your transition? That allows you to adjust how you are coming out in real time, and find their boundaries, and how to maintain some kind of relationship with them. One way to condition gradually is to make comments about specific things you are having a hard time believing, rather than just saying you don't believe in the whole religion anymore. Also, illustrate how you are transitioning to a more logic-based and less emotion-based belief system. One conversation I use with people is to explain that I have studied the science of religion (I have, took an online course), and learned that humans co-evolved with religion and our brains are wired to just soak up religion. This shows them I am thinking more scientifically and rationally about religion, but also that I am accepting that religion is a normal part of the human condition, I am not 'opposing' religion as much as 'rethinking' its role for me personally.

Maybe you also need to visualize how this will play out, in the most positive way you can hope for, and during the visualization use a positive self-talk.

You mentioned journaling. I have a simple video journal kind of method that I use to help me basically give myself advice. A simple way to be your own therapist. Use your smartphone, and take a selfie video of your self describing your situation, your dilemmas. Then wait awhile (at least a few minutes!), and watch your own video, and think of the advice you would give yourself. Then take another selfie video giving yourself the advice, and watch that video several times. This can be a very powerful experience, particularly if you have not done something like this before to help you through a problem of your own. Basically, the video creates both separation from your own mind, and also shows you how you really are feeling, in a more objective way.

My own mental nemesis is more in the anxiety category, but this method has helped me. What came out of my own most recent video selfie talk was the importance of being my own source of acceptance, friendship and love. Basically, getting to where I could say 'I love you' to myself and feel that love (vagus nerve). I have worked up to where I can now cue this feeling, by mentally saying I love myself, even in the middle of a difficult or hurtful situation. This helps me stay emotionally strong even in a situation that creates anxiety. I think this addresses a major problem we get from the church, we are conditioned to believe we are broken, sinful creatures and I think this causes us to have a negative self-image, and also creates a continual dependence on affection from the tribe of church community. When we can love ourselves emotionally and without condition, we no longer need the church's affection, or anyone's really (although it is still nice to have!). I believe developing a positive emotional response to our own self, learning to love ourselves independently of the judgments of the church, independent of self-judgment, is a core issue in reprogramming our brains to become more psychologically independent from the religion.

[GoodBoy]

Here's my recommendations:
Hold your head up! Smile, and be confident that you have done nothing wrong and do not deserve to be marginalized. You are just a little smarter and more open-minded than your average TBM. Talk to the members and ask about their weeks, families, jobs, and children. Don't kick yourself out of the church by feeling like you don't belong if you want to continue being there. You belong there. You have paid your dues.

Start looking for a NOM support group, or post-mormon community in your area where you can feel like you fit in. It is good to not feel like you are alone. The more Mormony the area that you live in, the more active these communities tend to be. Try here: http://www.mormonspectrum.org/map/

Start looking for other communities of support besides the church. Try Meetup.com. Or get involved in some other community service organization. Pick something that you are already passionate about. You need a community that accepts you for you and doesn't put a membership test on what kind of crazy stories you can believe or not believe. You will be the awkward newbie for a while, but suck it up and just endure it until you can fit in. Be patient. Mormons are 1/10 of 1% of the world's population. It is a big world out there and you can find a new tribe. But keep your old tribe until you find a new one.

Only attend sacrament meeting unless you just need to attend the other two hours for whatever reason. Then don't go to Sunday School or Relief Society. Sit in the car (yay for smart phones!), sit in the foyer, or stand in the hall (having a baby helps with this). Standing in hallways or sitting in the foyer will limit your exposure to craziness that you don't believe and instead will maximize what you really want out of church, which is friendship, connection, and community.

Say, "I'm sorry, I wish I could, but I just can't right now" to any invitations or callings that you don't WANT to do. When asked follow up questions, repeat. When asked more follow up questions about why you can't say "I have to do something for someone." When asked more questions repeat. When asked more probing questions, say "I just made a promise to someone that I have to keep." Rinse and repeat until they stop asking. By the way, the promise that you made is a promise to YOURSELF that you won't let people take advantage of you and make you unhappy.

Exercise. Not only does exercise make you feel better physically, it makes you feel good about yourself mentally because you are disciplining yourself to do something that you know is good for you.

Wish we could hug you. Best wishes!

[Zack Tacorin Dos]

Thoughtful,

I have no advice, but want to express my support.

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. You mentioned being terrified of being shunned, being a project, etc. I remember how scared I was when I first realized I no longer believed the Church's claims. I attributed a lot of my fear to indoctrination. Regardless of the cause, it's a rotten place to be in.

I'm glad you're comfortable sharing with us, and I hope that helps some, but I'm even more glad your husband seems to understand and give you a lot of support.

Hoping things change for the better soon,
Zack

[alas]

You probably know all the things other than counseling and medication that I could suggest that help with depression, like exercise and journaling. But I am going to remind you of one. Get out socially even if you don't feel like it, and even if they are TBMs. Don't cut off your social connection such as the people you mentioned that you used to exercise with. Get out and be with people and consider it therapeutic medicine.

As far as counseling, I ran into the same problem of being in the counseling field and knowing the others in my city and not wanting them to think I was weal getting counseling myself. Even though we know as professionals and tell our clients that it is really a sign of strength to recognize when you need help and have the courage to reach out for it, there is still a tendency for professionals to look down on others who do get counseling. The other problem is knowing that some of them are less than competent. I found a counselor about 50 miles from home. Not too bad of a drive, and far enough away I was not likely to run into others I knew, or my own clients.

Counseling really is worth it.

Mostly know that your NOM friends are pulling for you.

[Thoughtful]

You probably know all the things other than counseling and medication that I could suggest that help with depression, like exercise and journaling. But I am going to remind you of one. Get out socially even if you don't feel like it, and even if they are TBMs. Don't cut off your social connection such as the people you mentioned that you used to exercise with. Get out and be with people and consider it therapeutic medicine.

As far as counseling, I ran into the same problem of being in the counseling field and knowing the others in my city and not wanting them to think I was weal getting counseling myself. Even though we know as professionals and tell our clients that it is really a sign of strength to recognize when you need help and have the courage to reach out for it, there is still a tendency for professionals to look down on others who do get counseling. The other problem is knowing that some of them are less than competent. I found a counselor about 50 miles from home. Not too bad of a drive, and far enough away I was not likely to run into others I knew, or my own clients.

Counseling really is worth it.

Mostly know that your NOM friends are pulling for you.

Thank you.


I don't feel like the counselors would see me as weak. I just know too much about their ethics to want to be part of their practice--I don't trust them. I have a relative I drive 3 hours away for counseling because I know too much about it. Its a rural area so options are limited. :/

[DPRoberts]

Thanks all. I have a doc appt at the end of the month. I don't think she is willing to rx for antidepressants. Counseling is tricky because of my job. I know them all and don't trust them much because I've seen their practices and I consult on their cases. I may need to work with journaling or find Tele therapy.

It surprised me that you think your doctor won't rx for antidepressants. With my current PCP I get a questionnaire with each annual physical for depression. Okay it just occurred to me I may get that because I am already on AD meds, but I have not heard.of any doctor with me or a family member unwilling to prescribe.

[Thoughtful]

Thanks all. I have a doc appt at the end of the month. I don't think she is willing to rx for antidepressants. Counseling is tricky because of my job. I know them all and don't trust them much because I've seen their practices and I consult on their cases. I may need to work with journaling or find Tele therapy.

It surprised me that you think your doctor won't rx for antidepressants. With my current PCP I get a questionnaire with each annual physical for depression. Okay it just occurred to me I may get that because I am already on AD meds, but I have not heard.of any doctor with me or a family member unwilling to prescribe.

She's a DO. I sent a teen client her way and she refused to treat with psychotropics.

[Wonderment]

Lots of wonderful support and suggestions here. Thoughtful, I'm sending positive thoughts to you. Please hold the idea that you deserve the very best in life, and you don't need your inner voice that is dishing out criticism and shame right now. That's sometimes known as the "inner parent" or maybe "inner grandparent." Take back your life from that criticism. And, please keep us posted on how you're doing. Best to you, from Wndr.

[MoPag]

((Hugs Thoughtful!!))

I've dealt with depression off and on since I was a teenager. It totally sucks. Everyone on here has given you great advice. The end of the month is a long time to wait for an rx. Maybe in the meantime you could get some St John's Wort supplements. It might help just take the edge off.

[Hagoth]

I find that my depression seems to come in April and October. It teaches it's maximum around the first weekend and then seems to gradually improve afterwards. I'm mostly serious about this. Having reminders of your unscceptibleness broadcast into the brains of your closest friends and loved ones by the people they admire most is emotionally damaging. You feel like the homely kid who gets asked to prom by the superstar, only to find out it was all a cruel joke.

[MoPag]

I find that my depression seems to come in April and October. It teaches it's maximum around the first weekend and then seems to gradually improve afterwards. I'm mostly serious about this. Having reminders of your unscceptibleness broadcast into the brains of your closest friends and loved ones by the people they admire most is emotionally damaging. You feel like the homely kid who gets asked to prom by the superstar, only to find out it was all a cruel joke.

I remember one of my social work professors at BYUI said they see increased numbers in counseling and mental health programs right after both April and October GC in highly LDS populated areas.

[redjay]

You feel like the homely kid who gets asked to prom by the superstar, only to find out it was all a cruel joke.

Great metaphor by Hagoth. The good new is that it would seem that your depression is a normal reaction to trauma - i.e. it's not strongly biological and you will be able to work through it. You will need time to process, but you will heal.

[Nonny]

Oh, Thoughtful, I have been thinking about you since I read your post earlier, and wondering what I could you say that would be helpful. You have helped so many NOMs and others with your well thought out words. Now it is time for you to be on the receiving end. Nothing I can say is something you don't already know. Sometimes it is good to hear it back.

If you need some counseling, you should have it. Not from those counselors you don't trust, but there are NOMish or former Mormon counselors who have on-line practices. I'm sure you know some names. Or if you just need some random understanding stranger to talk to, you can call me. Just PM me.

[Thoughtful]

Oh, Thoughtful, I have been thinking about you since I read your post earlier, and wondering what I could you say that would be helpful. You have helped so many NOMs and others with your well thought out words. Now it is time for you to be on the receiving end. Nothing I can say is something you don't already know. Sometimes it is good to hear it back.

If you need some counseling, you should have it. Not from those counselors you don't trust, but there are NOMish or former Mormon counselors who have on-line practices. I'm sure you know some names. Or if you just need some random understanding stranger to talk to, you can call me. Just PM me.

Thank you so much! <3