Hypothetical situation/how to talk about ex sex

[Emower]

So, I am curious about a hypothetical situation that has in no way to do with me. I am just curious about the initial reaction of people here.

There is a divorced individual who appears on a sexual matters podcast to discuss sexual dysfunction in marriage as a result of church teachings. The ex spouse finds out about this and asks if/how they are referenced in the podcast. The podcast spouse tells the ex to pound sand, podcast spouse does not have to tell the ex anything about what is going on in podcast spouse's life, presumably because they are now divorced. Let us assume the divorce is final and old history.
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What is your reaction to this situation?
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What is your reaction to my reaction which was following:
I initially agreed with podcast spouse. They are divorced, podcast spouse should be able to discuss things that matter to him/her in a context of his/her choosing. To have an ex sort of reaching beyond the grave so to speak to try to affect your decisions seems out of line. Especially if podcast spouse feels abused by the church, wants to talk about it, but there is no good way of discussing that without dragging the ex spouse into it. Someone eventually convinced me of the error of my thinking, by bringing up the fact that even though you are divorced, you can not just unconnect your life. Those things and experiences were private, assumed to be private, and it is a breach of faith and decency to air it out in public.

What are your initial reactions and what are your reactions after thinking about it for a minute?
I think the best way to handle it would be to keep both parties anonymous, and for podcast spouse to show some consideration when the ex asks about what was said about he/she.

[Guy]

I look at it like this (although the example is an extreme one).

People in a relationship often take risque (nude) photos of each other, or of themselves for the other. But if that couple later go their separate ways, is it ok to share those photos/video publicly? For me the answer is easy... NO!

I would apply that in the same way to the discussion of past sexual relationships or encounters. Out of respect for the other person (whether or not they deserve your respect) I would never discuss our sexual activities publicly.

[wtfluff]

My initial reaction:

Humans make WAY TOO BIG OF A DEAL out of sex. Humans have sex. It's actually completely normal for humans to have sex. Sometimes it might be good. Sometimes it might be bad. So what? It's just sex. As everyone who's had sex knows, it's not all it's cracked-up to be. If my ex talked about me on a podcast, would I be hurt? Probably, I'm human, but they're my ex, so it really doesn't matter what happened, good or bad; It's in the past, and there's nothing that can be done to change it.

My other initial reaction: If the "ex spouse" in this situation wants to know what their podcasting ex is saying about them in the podcast: They should listen to the podcast. As mentioned in the previous paragraph, if it were my ex doing the podcasting, I'd listen to it and figure out if I had any reason to call them out...

Lock and load those flame-throwers...

[LaMachina]

For me it would depend on tone and what exactly is shared. I wouldn't necessarily equate it to sharing intimate photos which would definitely be WAY over the line.

It is the podcast spouse's experience too and if they could talk about it without dumping on or outing the ex to a significant degree then I would not have a huge issue with it. But it's hard to say if they've overstepped boundaries based on the info given. I guess the ex has a right to know how it's addressed but depending how far back the split, how acrimonious it was, or how detailed the info on the ex, I'm not surprised someone wouldn't feel the need to get their ok.

[oliver_denom]

If you both had to make the decision to have sex, then you should also both have to make the decision to talk about it in public. It's not as if a divorce undoes the previous fact of privacy and consent. If I got a divorce and my ex-wife were to air our sex life on a podcast, then I would be beyond livid.

[Give It Time]

Having written about my ex online, I think this is interesting and I think I can learn. I've written in the interest of, I hope, raising awareness. Every though there were aspects that were far from perfect, I've tried to be non-emotional, just stick to the facts and be as considerate as possible.

I am certain my ex is broadcasting to everyone he meets or comes across, post-separation, his side of the story. I know he paints an unflattering picture to whomever he has told, because I read it in his divorce response (I raised no grievance against him in my petition, I simply said he was abusive and this was a private matter). I accept the high probability he is doing this. I don't like it. I do have my side. I've stayed anonymous and, if he is blabbing, he has not.

So... looking in the mirror. I wouldn't like this. I think the podcaster is a jerk. I would do well to stop writing about it, as well.

[Just This Guy]

For me, it is a question of how identifiable the people in the podcast is.

When people take risque pics of themselves, it is very easy to identify who the actual people are in them. However with a podcast, steps can be taken to sufficiently obscure identities. Between careful wording and editing, identifying details can be obscured. With those protections in place, I would say that it is allowable to discuss details in a public setting.

Part of my problem is that in US culture, there is so much taboo around sex, that people do not feel able to discuss problems and problems and destructive attitudes are perpetuated by a culture that doe not want to deal with them. This person had issues and was trying to bring them to light so that others could learn from him and not experience the pain and trouble that they went through.

Another question is how much of these details were already out in the public. Between divorce proceedings, and people talking in their own lives, the details are already out there, then they have no grounds to stand on to complain about what is being said.

Not having heard the podcast in question, I cannot say if it was over the line or not. If identified the person in question or gave enough details that they could be easily identified, then, yes it was in appropriate. However, if they they took appropriate steps, false names and locations, removed/obscured identifying details, etc. and the person complained because they saw something that no one else could see, then they are being out of line.

So without more info you really can't say if it was out of line or not.

But I will end with the only way to stop these issue from coming up in the future is education and you can't educate people about it if you can't talk about it. At some point, there needs to be a middle ground found.

[Fifi de la Vergne]

I still find the Golden Rule a pretty good stick to measure by. Would I want to be treated, talked about, done to this way? If not, it's probably not a good move.

In the past, feeling secure in my anonymity, I have said things that I came to regret -- because my anonymity was uncovered by someone who was deeply hurt by some of the things I said. So I've become very cautious and very sensitive to how someone would feel.

And we probably are too sensitive about sex . . . but saying we shouldn't be doesn't alleviate the pain and shame we often feel.