Should I follow up with BP?

[Korihor]

So today Mrs Kori told the YW pres that she is asking to be released. She then met with the BP to formally request/notify her intent. She had a good long talk with the BP.

Long story short, she had a similar conversation with him that I had about a year ago. BP tried to do the best he could but he just isn't aware of what the problems truly are.

So with Mrs Kori on the outs, I'm sure we're really going to be on some type of fellowshiping list. I'm debating whether or not to send another email to the BP in a couple weeks or just let him make the next move.

[Liberated Me]

A lot seems to have happened for you since I was last on this site. So glad your wife is joining you on your adventures! Congrats!

[Red Ryder]

A lot seems to have happened for you since I was last on this site. So glad your wife is joining you on your adventures! Congrats!

Hey! Good to see you made it. Even if it's to pop in and say hi on occasion. How's the weather up there?

Kish.... You guys have put the flames out! Let the embers fade.

[glass shelf]

What's the plan? If you're planning on staying active, I wouldn't worry about following up right now. The less info sharing, the better. If you're out, then I'd follow up and say, "no contact. We know where the church is if we want to be there."

[moksha]

Relaxing and going with the flow is usually good advice.

[Korihor]

What's the plan? If you're planning on staying active, I wouldn't worry about following up right now. The less info sharing, the better. If you're out, then I'd follow up and say, "no contact. We know where the church is if we want to be there."

I suppose the problem is I don't know what the plan is. Mrs Kori doesn't want to quit going entirely, but it seems she's headed that way. If I'm being completely honest, I don't want to quit entirely. I still have real friends that I don't want to turn my back on. I just don't know how to separate friendships from the institution. Mrs Kori says she's still trying to figure things out. I believe she has transitioned from figuring out the truth claims of the church to figuring out how to transition lifestyle and relationships.

Mrs Kori shared with me an summary of her conversation with the BP. I think my BP is a bit more prophetic than the q15. A year ago when I first discussed all this with the BP, he said something close to "You have to admit, the church is a great place to raise your kids" This is similar to Ballards's "Where will you go?" The BP said this again with Mrs Kori yesterday, but she had a better response than I did. She brought up the crisis with Gay kids committing suicide in Utah. She told him that although this didn't affect her as a youth and it's a low probability our kids will be gay, how can she in good conscience raise her kids in a culture that could cause them to do something so tragic? She also talked about the perfect little LDS box of culture and that she always fit in that box so it wasn't a problem, but when she starts looking at other people that don't fit in that box it becomes very troubling. How can she continue to support something that claims universal acceptance when it so clearly doesn't?

I give her mad props for being a better a person than myself and projecting herself into the circumstance of others instead of only seeing how it affects herself. Something I never did. She is having reservations with the church because of how it affects others, not herself, and it is causing her to retreat from participation. It must be a mothers instinct.

Anyway, the BP did the normal thing to bare his testimony, etc. He said he is glad JS is perfect and has character flaws because it gives him hope with his own shortcomings. Mrs Kori said she felt the same, she even said that same thing, but she understands it so much more now. These are not a few shortcomings about JS, but very big and numerous problems. She said wasn't sure JS was a prophet but is certain that BY isn't.

So why follow up myself with an email to the BP? I don't know. Part of me wants to let sleeping dog lie, and the other part wants to stir the pot. Like Red Ryder says, I should let the embers fade. He's right.

Over the weekend, we met up with some friends (you know who you are). I shared my story about taking a fountain drink into the chapel during the combined lesson. No one in the ward really cared, so I said I need to up my game and take an adult beverage into the chapel next time. Our discussion turned to respecting others and taking a soda into an LDS chapel is one thing, but an adult beverage is just plain mean and I need to let go of my anger to the church. I said that it wasn't anger at the LDS church, but that is just who I am.

Do I send a follow up email to kindle the flames or do I send it because that's simply what a Korihor would do?

[alas]

Because both you and Mrs Kori are unsure about staying active, I really would just let the dust settle for a while and not do any follow up. You have friends still in the church, and the more dust you stir up, the less likely they will be comfortable with staying friends. Being a quiet disbeliever is one thing while maintaining friendships, but being an angry apostate is quite another. So, my advice for whatever it is worth is, #1 don't be the stereotype of an angry apostate, #2 give yourselves some time to figure out just how involved you want to be, #3 don't say anything to the bishop that you don't want shared with ward council and to leak to the rest of the ward. For example, if you request "no contact" will your friends wonder if that applies to them?

[glass shelf]

I'd let it lie for now, then. I can't see anything to be gained from that conversation.

Personally, I'm not the kind of person who would flout LDS rules in an LDS building. I've been back once since I left to help my friend with a big YW sewing project, and I didn't wear a tank top even though it was a million degrees outside. I wear tank tops around the same friend all of the time at my house (we're neighbors), but wearing it into a church building seems like a slap to all the people there.

It's hard to deal with the anger and friendships with believers sometimes. What's worked for me is separating my feelings about the church from my feelings about friends as individuals, remembering how I would have wanted to be treated in the friendship if I was the TBM, and treating TBMs like I would religious friends of a different faith. Keep the anger to appropriate outlets. I have people I can gripe about the church to, and that is really helpful for getting it out.

[Silver Girl]

What would be the most comfortable way to be treated (by the BP and leaders) in the immediate future? How do you want to interact today and for the coming weeks or months?

If you have a feel for the kind of interaction you want, let him know - he sounds like the kind of person who might respect those wishes. Do you want periodic meetings to talk through your faith journey? Do you want to be left alone but with the understanding you'll still show up when and where you feel led to be (at sacrament, at PH, or not, or whatever)? Do you want the BP to stop trying to rescue you?

I think there are ways to gently communicate what you and Mrs. Kori need at this time, and I'd be willing to bet they might honor your wishes. The reason is that many leaders now recognize that it's sometimes best to back away and let a member process things on their own. You could tell him you're thinking through things and that you appreciate his concern, but would rather it be up to you to initiate meetings or visits. Perhaps decide what would give you and Mrs. K the best sense of being in control of your own paths, and ask for those things?

As for your friends - I don't know the culture where you are, but even though there aren't that many members where I live, I also feared losing friendships. The way I handled it seemed (thank goodness) to work well. I told a few close friends personally, and they were then not as surprised as they could have been when I resigned (not that you will resign or anything). I used words like "pulling back a bit" to let them know I was becoming less active. While these conversations were going on, we were still, of course, socializing and all was normal. For me - and I may be lucky here - the "normal" has continued even now, a year after I resigned. Nobody discusses it - but of course that's the denial and avoidance pattern of the church - and we are still close friends.

I'm not sure if this is useful - just wanted to share a few thoughts. Best of luck to you both as you find the right path for your own situation.

[Korihor]

What would be the most comfortable way to be treated (by the BP and leaders) in the immediate future? How do you want to interact today and for the coming weeks or months?

If you have a feel for the kind of interaction you want, let him know - he sounds like the kind of person who might respect those wishes. Do you want periodic meetings to talk through your faith journey? Do you want to be left alone but with the understanding you'll still show up when and where you feel led to be (at sacrament, at PH, or not, or whatever)? Do you want the BP to stop trying to rescue you?

I think there are ways to gently communicate what you and Mrs. Kori need at this time, and I'd be willing to bet they might honor your wishes. The reason is that many leaders now recognize that it's sometimes best to back away and let a member process things on their own. You could tell him you're thinking through things and that you appreciate his concern, but would rather it be up to you to initiate meetings or visits. Perhaps decide what would give you and Mrs. K the best sense of being in control of your own paths, and ask for those things?

As for your friends - I don't know the culture where you are, but even though there aren't that many members where I live, I also feared losing friendships. The way I handled it seemed (thank goodness) to work well. I told a few close friends personally, and they were then not as surprised as they could have been when I resigned (not that you will resign or anything). I used words like "pulling back a bit" to let them know I was becoming less active. While these conversations were going on, we were still, of course, socializing and all was normal. For me - and I may be lucky here - the "normal" has continued even now, a year after I resigned. Nobody discusses it - but of course that's the denial and avoidance pattern of the church - and we are still close friends.

I'm not sure if this is useful - just wanted to share a few thoughts. Best of luck to you both as you find the right path for your own situation.

Do you remember the problem about fighting with a pig in the mud? The pig likes it. That's me, I like rolling around in the mud about this stuff. There isn't anything the BP could do to bother me. They can love bomb us, call me to a DC, give me a calling, shun us - I don't care. In fact, I hope they do something because at least it would be something new to do.

That being said, I would be sad to harm some true friends. I don't want that and it's nearly impossible to separate the chocolate chips out of a baked cookie. I can't cut up the cookie (church) without damaging and losing most chocolate chips.

[2bizE]

I would let it slide for a while. Eventually, someone will hatch up a plan to rescue you from your sins and bring you back into the fold. New BP. New EQP. Someone will seek you out. If that is what you want then that is fine.

[Silver Girl]

Do you remember the problem about fighting with a pig in the mud? The pig likes it. That's me, I like rolling around in the mud about this stuff. There isn't anything the BP could do to bother me. They can love bomb us, call me to a DC, give me a calling, shun us - I don't care. In fact, I hope they do something because at least it would be something new to do.

That being said, I would be sad to harm some true friends. I don't want that and it's nearly impossible to separate the chocolate chips out of a baked cookie. I can't cut up the cookie (church) without damaging and losing most chocolate chips.

1. It would be tremendously fun to be in the same ward with you. (Pass the popcorn!).

2. I felt the same way about my friends, and still do. The bishop is something of a jerk, but also someone I'd worked with on projects & he's nice enough. I wanted so much to have a place to aim my anger without hurting people I care for.

3. I like that you included shunning, a DC and a calling all in the same sentence (and the cookies). It says a lot about the nature of some callings.

[Deepthinker]

I'd say no and to leave it be, but that's me.

I get why you struggle with that, though, and I definitely relate to how you feel about not wanting to upset friends in the church.