Going through the motions ----Still

[Rebel]

Hi everyone . I am 2 1/2 yrs into my faith crisis some days are better than others !!!!! I have not the courage to leave as yet I have tried a couple of times as many of you know. I am back going through the motions of church yet again , back to the temple etc etc etc . The wife and I have come to the brink of separation a couple of times over this but I give in because I Love my family and do not want it broken up. Going through the motions is really hard as many of you know . Some times in gospel doctrine I just want to scream and walk out !! She loves the church and all I love about it is Jesus Christ . Don't know when it will end but I keep on keeping on for the love of the family , you guys are my outlet as Zach stated in a previous post which I loved. you all are also my strength the reason I can keep going !!! Thank You all .........

[dispirited]

I've been there. Open up, tell her you are hurting, tell her going to the temple makes you feel sad and uneasy. Tell her you feel like you can't express the way you feel because you are afraid of her reaction and don't want to hurt her.

[MoPag]

That is tough. Going through the motions can feel so hollow and lonely. Maybe you could volunteer to substitute in primary, or help out in the library. That might make the 3 hour block go by quicker. Or you could use church time to try and zone out and think about your current beliefs. Try to research Freemasons before you have to go to the temple next time. You can make mental notes about the similarities and share them with us here on NOM.

[Corsair]

I am back going through the motions of church yet again , back to the temple etc etc etc . The wife and I have come to the brink of separation a couple of times over this but I give in because I Love my family and do not want it broken up. Going through the motions is really hard as many of you know . Some times in gospel doctrine I just want to scream and walk out !!

I have been existing in a similar state for quite a long time also. There are various schools of thought on what to do next. Certainly there are plenty of thoughtful people who recommend that you make your exit and face the consequences head on. After all, if your wife is not going to be happy with any deviation from orthopraxy, then you might as well fully resign and let her decide between a mixed faith marriage, or being a faithful divorcee in the LDS church. Both options are uncomfortable, and she just might have preferred sympathy for your activity as the undercover unbeliever when placed against some stark choices.

I am quite sympathetic to both options and certainly see the wisdom in authenticity. The LDS church would collapse if all the semi-believers, apatheists, NOMs, and closet apostates walked out together. I truly do not anticipate any real reform from the LDS church in my lifetime to improve my experience.

Instead I found a reasonable place in middle which I still decline to call "Middle Way Mormonism". It's partially because I still see some good in the community aspect of being LDS as long as you largely disregard whatever silliness comes out from SLC. At the same time, I am concerned that having some belief in God compels a distressing number people to stay within the bounds of civilized behavior. Even if God were a fiction, I suspect that we might have to maintain it for civil order. This position would probably horrify ExMormon, StayLDS, and FairMormon all at the same time.

I'm happy working with the Young Men and Scouts while anticipating the day that I have to turn down a calling as Ward Mission Leader or Elders Quorum President that I could not do in good conscience. My dear wife allows me a lot of apostate latitude because she does not want to be a church widow, nor definitely does not want the economic calamity of divorce. Plus, we actually like each other. I don't bring coffee in the house and she does not invite me to ward temple night. It's not the defined "best" solution, but it's a workable arrangement. Good luck finding the solution that works for you.

[Rebel]

Thanks Corsair !!! I have been considering exactly what you are getting at . I'm not sure which she would prefer. At this point I don't really care which she would prefer I am going to make up my own mind pretty soon . In the beginning of the year I decided in my own mind I would give it until the end of the year and decide which way to go , by then I should be strong enough no matter what happens and be set and prepared financially in case things go south. right now I am wrestling with being able to attend a Community of Christ service as they have everything I would like to see in the LDS church with the exception of gay marriage but I could deal with that because in that church you don't have to agree with everything which is really nice. Thanks !!

[Give It Time]

I pretty much with Corsair with an added twist. I'm pretty sure my mother didn't believe. She was a secretary in the primary presidency. They could never get good help in the nursery. It was very frustrating. Finally, my mother stepped up and said she would take the calling. She served in there nine years.

To add to the comment of helping out in the library or nursery. Perhaps go to your BP and ask what calling they are having trouble keeping filled. My guess it's going to be low profile, non-doctrinal and thankless. Sounds perfect for a NOM. If it keeps you busy during church hours, so much the better. Your wife and your BP will consider you a noble soul. Win. Win. Win.

[Culper Jr.]

My dear wife allows me a lot of apostate latitude because she does not want to be a church widow, nor definitely does not want the economic calamity of divorce.

Exactly the same deal for me. Our compromise is that I go to church but I sit in the foyer and read during SS and PH. I explained that she does not want me to be in there, as I am so far down the rabbit hole I don't remember what is correlated and what is not; there is no telling what I'll say. I am sustaining the teachers and leaders by not going to class. I'm really finally getting past my anger at the church, so I just sort of take the position that I am studying a weird cult first hand. Mormonism is pretty fascinating when it's not personal.

You never know though... my uber TBM wife is just starting to see the flaws in the church. She mentioned something she had read in an article the other day about the church, and I later found it came from an ex-mo site... I couldn't believe it. Even six months ago I never thought she would go near anything like that. I had originally started out trying to crush her shelf with all the polygamy/polyandry stuff trying to get her to see things my way, and to my surprise it had the opposite effect. So I just backed off and little by little I think she is starting to see things. I am starting to think that what is going on in her mind and what is outwardly expressed are very different. I've found that the church does a lot better job of disenfranchising its own membership than I possibly could.

So many times I have wanted to scream, I just felt so trapped. So unfairly judged, so much like I wanted a life I could never have because I was a prisoner of mormonism. Reading everyone's experiences here has kept me sane and helped me to go slow and play the long game with this. Whatever path you take Rebel, I sincerely hope it works out for you.

[Raylan Givens]

The little by little approach seems to be your best bet.

One advantage of moving to Morcor, is the close proximity of buildings (in the Old Pueblo it was 8 miles). I walk home after sacrament meeting most Sundays. I clean the house, or get a meal ready. DW is starting to like the arrangement.

She describes herself as a 20-30% believer. She has taken to shedding the G's during warm weather.

Keep supporting the family, it will pay dividends. I read about 8 books in one year in the foyer/car (when the weather was nice).

[MalcolmVillager]

I love NOM. It was like free counseling for me a few years ago when my shelf crashed. I don't come here or comment as much as I once did. I am a non-believer with hope. I don't know where my path will lead. There are some things within the cojcolds that I am 100% at odds with. At the same time all communities have imperfections and things I don't agree with.

If it were up to me I would be a catholic. I can handle their activity requirements. For now I am trying to not rock the boat with the family. That is the part that sucks the most. You don't get to decide how they and the neighbors treat you. Personally I could handle the lost relationships, but my wife and daughters couldnt.

So I go. Fake it and DW knows. She is starting to come around but I don't think she would ever leave the church. In fact she said last night that she would never join another church if she left mormonism. So she has thought about it.

We love the community. I am a gregarious people person. I love the activities. I have often pulled off ward activities essentially on my own. I know there are opportunities like that outside the church too. But in our morcor area, you definitely risk shunning by leaving.

We do many things for the kids. I feel this is something I can do for the kids. What kills me is the thought of the future grandkids. It never ends.

Thus the pickle of the middle way. Today is another Sunday. Here we go!

[Anon70]

So I go. Fake it

We do many things for the kids. I feel this is something I can do for the kids. What kills me is the thought of the future grandkids. It never ends

This is me too. I thought of grandkids last week too and was sad and mad. My DH usually doesn't say anything about my lack of belief but got pretty angry with me on Sunday. "You were raised in the church"!! I thought he was coming around and now I'm back to silent disbelief and faking it

[BriansThoughtMirror]

Going through the motions made me start to feel very bitter about religion altogether. I'm fairly open now, and feeling quite a bit better. It was truly as hard as hell to get to that point, though, and I'm not exaggerating. I wonder if I'd be more religious or spiritual still if I hadn't spent so much time building up bitterness with my continued facade?
I'm so sorry that it's hurting your marriage so badly. My wife is about the most resilient person I know, and has more or less come to terms with our situation. Probably more than I have.

Seriously, though, the more I am able to step away, the more I see the good in it all. The more I participate, the angrier I get. Weird.