When apologies are for yourself

[Enoch Witty]

I had a dear teacher/mentor/friend die prematurely about 10 years ago. I never met her husband, but I found his information based on the obituary/internet and sent him a letter. Page one talked about my relationship with the teacher, how helpful she was to me at a critical time in my life, and how I wished the best for him and their daughters.

Page two (the pages were perfectly split; even as a TBM I knew the first page would be nice to keep but the second page might not be appreciated) consisted of my telling him about baptism for the dead and requesting permission to do it. I really emphasized that this was important for families to be together forever and how I so wanted to do this for my dear friend and mentor. I also included a brief letter to my teacher's daughters, saying in part, "I believe you will see her again." Of course, the implication was that I believe that only if her temple work was done, as I explained in the letter to their dad. What an ass I was.

He graciously wrote back a brief reply, paraphrased here: "Thanks for your kind words. I am glad to hear that X was meaningful to you. What you are asking goes against her religious beliefs. You have no permission to perform any religious rites on her behalf."

This was heartbreaking at the time. It's more heartbreaking now, though, to think that I was adding insult to injury in taking the death of a friend and using it as an opportunity to proselytize. And I can see with clarity now that I wasn't seeking to have her temple work done for her benefit; it was at attempt to make myself feel better in my grief. And at what cost? Presumably adding pain to her husband and perhaps her daughters (if they were privy to the request) – the very people for whom I should have had the most sympathy.

Ever since I transitioned, I think about this event and cringe. It's reached a point where I want to write back to the guy and say, "Hey, I've woken up. I'm so sorry that I got all cult-y on you at a horrifying time of your life. I feel terrible that I implied that you wouldn't see your family again unless you did Mormon stuff. That was really dumb and I apologize."

But if I were to do this, who would it be for? Just like my original request, it would be for me to feel better, and may dredge up old wounds of his that have been healing over the subsequent decade. What good would some stranger's opinion about metaphysics do for this man? What could I really say? It would be worthless.

And yet, I'm drawn to it. Maybe it's the Mormon conditioning that I must repent of my wrongdoings, and I feel like I wrongdid that man.

It's a bad idea to reach out, right?

[Nonny]

If it were me, I'd let it go, mostly for their sake. They probably have forgotten all about it by now. Then I would remind myself that I was doing the best I could at the time with the knowledge or beliefs I had at that time. You reached out at the time with compassion and the most hopeful message you had at the time. Go easy on yourself.

[didyoumythme]

I think you are right that an apology would be for you, not them. They have almost certainly moved on from the incident.

[MoPag]

If it were me, I'd let it go, mostly for their sake. They probably have forgotten all about it by now. Then I would remind myself that I was doing the best I could at the time with the knowledge or beliefs I had at that time. You reached out at the time with compassion and the most hopeful message you had at the time. Go easy on yourself.

+1

[vankimber]

You can still reach out, just do it elsewhere. This man almost certainly needs no apology from you, and trying to give him one would likely be extremely awkward for all involved. But you can take that energy knawing at you and use it to show kindness to someone who may need it--even just a random someone who crosses your path in everyday life, maybe even someone who it would be challenging to be kind to. You could look at it as your friend mentoring you one more time as you give a little more in her name. Then go in peace knowing you have done what you could.

[Anon70]

I hate cringe-worthy memories and regrets. I agree with PP - forgive yourself and move on. It would compound the mistake, I think, to reach out again. Pay a kindness forward. Because he was kind to you when he didn't have to be.