Drafting letter to parents

[Enoch Witty]

I was inspired by a recent post on Reddit (https://www.reddit.com/r/exmormon/comme ... the_email/) and used it as a framework (along with some other similar posts) to start drafting something to my parents. To be fair, I outright stole large portions of it. It's really good, imo.

My wife is awesome but is also still a nuanced TBM, so I don't know if it's right to ask her to review before I send, or if this is just something purely between my parents and me. I don't know that I'm in any hurry to send this, but my Mom is visiting in a week and each of my parents have been getting more inquisitive and pushy lately, so I kind of think I need to have it ready.

It's probably too long. But I really feel the need to say everything here. If you're so inclined, I'd love some feedback from a (relatively) objective crowd.



Dearest Mother and Father,

I hope all is well. I really enjoyed having Dad come out to visit recently, and I can't wait for Mom's trip either.

About a year ago, I took off the garments for good, and after a brief period of thought toward middle-way Mormonism, I determined that it is healthiest for me to no longer be affiliated with the church. This was after years of introspection and reflection, a lifetime of cognitive dissonance and discomfort, and an ever-growing revulsion to the church's policy added to the handbook in November 2015 regarding the children of gay parents.

I almost wrote and sent this email at that time as well as several other times throughout the last year, but decided that it would be good to wait. I figured that since you hadn't asked, maybe you didn't want to know. I also figured that my spiritual path is nobody's business but my own. But you both have been asking questions lately, so it's time to set the record straight.

It's important to note that I am well past the point of re-conversion. I could write a lengthy book about all the reasons I left the church. In this email, I think it would be fruitless to share many of those reasons, as it only opens the opportunity for debate. We could sit down and discuss points of the church endlessly, and you could not change my mind – exactly like I could never change your minds. Suffice to say that there is not just one reason I have chosen to leave the church: the reasons span modern and historical actions, doctrinal and cultural issues, financial and political concerns, and my personal experiences, observations, and beliefs.

The church made me feel pressured to be perfect, and whenever I fell short of perfection (i.e., always), I felt hopeless, lost, unhappy. I felt badly all the time for believing things I was told not to believe and not believing things I was told to believe – but belief is involuntary! It feels absurd to me that I spent so much of my life depressed over something that I had no control over. I have never fit into the cookie-cutter mold at church, and the more I tried, the worse I felt.

Mom, Dad: I want you to know that I love you very much. Part of the reason I took so long to tell you is to protect you from the heartbreak of a child leaving the church. I know that the doctrine of the LDS church teaches that the most serious consequences come to those that have gone to the temple and held the priesthood and then choose to reject it. I know that the church, at one time, taught that if parents are worthy enough that all of their children will return to the fold. I don't believe that either of those teachings hold any truth, but rather that they exist simply to create loyalty to the church. The church emphasizes eternal families but rejects those who go on a different path, claiming it has the "one and true path." These teachings do nothing but divide the family unit, not to mention their implications regarding the 99.99986 percent of people in history who have not been Mormon.

I hope that you choose to accept me for who I am. I know you probably think I can never find "true happiness" without being a part of the church. I find it to be quite the opposite. I have found great joy in pursuing other interests, learning about philosophies such as secular Buddhism and classical stoicism, and developing new talents. I no longer dread Sundays, a dread that for my whole life made Fridays and Saturdays bittersweet due to the upcoming church block. The suicidal ideation that came and went throughout my teens and twenties and became interminable last year is gone – instead, I feel a drive to live and learn and grow like I have never felt before. After removing the garments and not forcing myself to wear a second layer at all times, I actually started to like living in Florida! I feel spiritual confirmation regularly by studying things that are meaningful to me – spiritual confirmation I never felt in the church.

[Wife] has been wonderfully kind and supportive during my faith transition. While she still believes, she respects my right to follow my own path just as I respect her right to follow hers. [Son] will grow up in a mixed-faith home, and that's okay. I will be open with him about my disbelief, and that's okay too. If he chooses the path of Mormonism, it will be a choice he makes among other alternatives, which will be so much more meaningful to him than the non-choice I was given.

I am sorry that many parts of this email may seem harsh, but I want to be straightforward with you. You both deserve to know the truth.

I respect your devotion to the church. I will not seek to de-convert family members, and I hope you all will extend me the same courtesy. It only makes me withdraw from the family to suggest that I haven't studied enough, or spoken to the right person, or prayed hard enough. I have done all these things and more, including careful study of the primary sources (https://www.lds.org/topics/essays?lang=eng) Mom wants me to pay attention to – sources which outright contradict decades of Sunday School and and specific things I was taught in the years of Institute classes I attended. Everything I have learned and continue to learn further strengthens my resolve that the church does not provide spiritual sustenance for me:

"Why spend money on what is not bread,
and your labor on what does not satisfy?
Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good,
and you will delight in the richest of fare."
Isaiah 55:2

The church was not helping me to become a more moral or happy person, but rather had me in a spiral of boredom, depression, and anger. This burden was lifted from me when I chose to disassociate myself. Since that time, I have found myself energized and excited in ways that I didn't realize were possible within the confines of the church. I have indeed found the scripture above to be manifest in my life.

This is very difficult to tell you. I'm scared you'll think less of me, or that you'll talk badly about me with other family members. "Talking badly" doesn't just refer to saying mean or negative things, but also gossiping condescendingly about my choices as if I don't have my own thoughts, feelings, and agency; undermining me to my son because I have different metaphysical beliefs; discussing or planning ways to get me back into the church; using anything bad that happens in my life as a cudgel by claiming it as proof that I shouldn't have left the church; cheapening anything good that happens in my life by implying it would be somehow better if I were in the church; or any other passive-aggressive or unkind comment about choices I have made based on my convictions, beliefs, and personal quest for truth.

I love you both very much. I couldn't be more thankful that I get to call you my parents. I appreciate more than ever the sacrifices you made raising me. Feel free to share this with other family members if you want to.

Love, your son,
[Enoch]

[oliver_denom]

I think this is a great letter for getting your thoughts together, but here's the big question. What are you looking to accomplish?

If it's something like acceptance or validation, then I wouldn't send this, because that's something that true believing members can never give. If they were to offer validation, then they would be admitting that there are valid reasons and circumstances to walk away from the church. If they could admit this, then they aren't really true believers, they're unorthodox. But, if they're unorthodox, then maybe this would be a good gesture.

If it's because you want them to understand, then I wouldn't send this, because the understanding you're after is really just another form of acceptance. If your folks are true believers, then it may not be possible for them to understand. They might understand that you don't really "get the doctrine", that you've been lied to by Satan, caught up in the culture, or are looking for a way to justify sin, but they won't understand that you're making a reasoned decision.

The church teaches a patriarchal order where the head patriarch is the arbiter of our spiritual lives. Is that something you believe? Do you believe that explanations like this, which will only be used against you, are even necessary?

So, again, it's a great letter, but I would think about what it is you truly want from something like this.

[Charlotte]

I've only done a quick skim. I would say that if you decide to send it, I would not lead in the first paragraph with anything about taking off garments. I think it could kind of set them up to dismiss what follows. When you mention it later, it's more in the context of your overall improved mental health and enjoyment of life.

[crossmyheart]

Love it- I wish I could have sent something like this to my parents- but current circumstances prevent open conversation.

The part about giving your son options and that you were given a non-choice is a little harsh. Don't blame them for their obedience if they did their best with you.

[Enoch Witty]

I think this is a great letter for getting your thoughts together, but here's the big question. What are you looking to accomplish?

Agreed that I'm not going to get acceptance, validation, or agreement. I hope to accomplish them not prodding about my church activity, which they have been doing more and more. I hope to set the record straight, because I used to be close with my parents, but since losing my faith and drifting far apart from them politically, we just don't talk much anymore, because I'd rather just avoid these topics. Maybe our closeness can never be regained, but we've been doing better about avoiding politics in the last year (inasmuch as possible, especially during the election year). I'm hoping we can establish that they need to leave the church BS alone too.

They raised me at about a 70% orthodoxy level; mine was hardly the most hardcore Mormon upbringing, but they were mostly pretty damn TBM. As they age, they seem to be getting more conservative, so they may be up to 80 or even 90% orthodoxy now. If they were 100% orthodox, I agree that this would be pointless, but I hope there's a part of this that gets through.

I'm also the oldest of more than two dozen cousins, and somebody has to lead the way for the youth to make their exits. The TBM family is going to have to get used to this sooner or later, so somebody needs to take the first step. Maybe I'm wrong?

I've only done a quick skim. I would say that if you decide to send it, I would not lead in the first paragraph with anything about taking off garments. I think it could kind of set them up to dismiss what follows. When you mention it later, it's more in the context of your overall improved mental health and enjoyment of life.

They've both been to visit since I took them off, so they already know. After my Dad left here recently, he sent a text to the family chat saying to be a good priesthood holder and wear my garments. They'll probably dismiss everything that follows no matter what I lead with.

Love it- I wish I could have sent something like this to my parents- but current circumstances prevent open conversation.

The part about giving your son options and that you were given a non-choice is a little harsh. Don't blame them for their obedience if they did their best with you.

That's fair, I'll consider revising this part.

Although I will note our history on this topic: I was never asked if I wanted to be baptized (my Mom claims I was clamoring for it, but I don't recall that. To be fair, I probably was, haven been indoctrinated in primary all those years). I was forced to accept a calling as Deacon's Quorum Secretary despite clearly expressing that I had no desire whatsoever to do it. I wanted to visit other churches as a teen and was told I couldn't. I wanted to stop going to the Mormon church as a teen and was forced to go. The hypocrisy of all the agency lessons stung then and it stings now.

It's in me to be way more harsh on this point, but I do also want to be loving and understanding of how this will affect them. I'll think about it.

Thanks for the comments, y'all. Others are welcome to chime in!

[Red Ryder]

I think it's fine the way it is. You could write, rewrite, and write some more and your parents will take it how they take it. You can't control how that perceive the letter so be open and honest and let them worry about how they feel. Let them worry about your underwear choices.

Just send it.

My brother recently did this and it's opened up a few good conversations with the rest of the family. At some point you have to live authentically and this is the start of that process. They will adjust to the new you.

[LostGirl]

I have considered how I would tell my parents if i was ever to do it. I have come to the conclusion that a face to face conversation would be fairest to them. But I reserve the right to change my mind on that point.

The good thing about a letter is that you can't forget anything. I think the downside is that it offers no flexibility or ability to adjust the path of the conversation as it progresses. I could also see that a face to face could easily descend into a lot of defensive statements on both sides. So I am not saying it is the only way to go but is a conversation as an alternative to a letter out of the question?

[redjay]

Consider swapping over the first half with the second half. The first half feels more factual, harder, church critical, second half is more embracing of them, vulnerable and loving. I guess it's whether you want to let them know how much you love them before you kick them in the spiritual balls, or if you want to kick them in the balls and then remind them you love them.

Just trying to see it how they will. I was told by DW when I spoke of my disaffection that I had 'spiritually divorced her" - ouch. That was her perception, it sucked all round, but I'm glad I had the conversation.

Whatever you do, good luck.

[Enoch Witty]

I have considered how I would tell my parents if i was ever to do it. I have come to the conclusion that a face to face conversation would be fairest to them. But I reserve the right to change my mind on that point.

The good thing about a letter is that you can't forget anything. I think the downside is that it offers no flexibility or ability to adjust the path of the conversation as it progresses. I could also see that a face to face could easily descend into a lot of defensive statements on both sides. So I am not saying it is the only way to go but is a conversation as an alternative to a letter out of the question?

Yes, I would prefer to do it in person. But when it comes to my parent and the church, it's going to devolve into emotion, yelling, and hurt feelings. It's been happening my whole life. The other thing that happens is that I just shut down and stop talking as I get frustrated with the conversation. It may well end up being in person, but writing it down is good either way.

Consider swapping over the first half with the second half. The first half feels more factual, harder, church critical, second half is more embracing of them, vulnerable and loving. I guess it's whether you want to let them know how much you love them before you kick them in the spiritual balls, or if you want to kick them in the balls and then remind them you love them.

Just trying to see it how they will. I was told by DW when I spoke of my disaffection that I had 'spiritually divorced her" - ouch. That was her perception, it sucked all round, but I'm glad I had the conversation.

Whatever you do, good luck.

Very perceptive advice. Thank you.