Feeling conflicted - hands tied

[LostGirl]

I am feeling a bit conflicted this week. I am aware of a younger female relative who is doing some questioning and I believe based on what I know that this is causing her quite a bit of mental anguish. I do not think she is aware of many of the issues that we discuss here, but it doesn't sound like she is able to voice her concerns at church, or doesn't feel comfortable doing so.

From my perspective her parents are giving her the "just have faith" type answers as they do not appear to have any concerns or issues themselves. I know first hand that these answers do not answer the questions she is asking.

My conflict arises because I watch this going on and I wonder if I could save her years of heartache by talking straight to her now (she is not yet married), but I know for sure this would not be appreciated by her parents or any of the rest of the family, and would also pull me out from under the radar. By the same token perhaps it is possible that I'm reading it all wrong and she will buckle down, have faith and be a happy mormon for the rest of her life.

Having been in a position though where keeping quiet causes me mental and emotional pain, I really really really wish that I could talk to her without the nuclear fallout for both her and I. Am I being a coward and sacrificing helping her to save myself? Or is it really better to just stay out of it?

[Mormorrisey]

That's a very good question, especially with family dynamics. For me, I guess it would depend on how vocal you have been/are about some of the challenges you have with the church. My family and ward just kind of expect me at this stage to either not say much (apathy), or if the Mormoning gets too obnoxious, than I have a say. I've not been shy about some of my challenges at church. But in reading your post, you've said two things that would make me wary of approaching this young woman; you've gone under the radar, and your approach would not be welcome by other members of the family. I'd say that if a conversation develops organically, mention what you know and do your best to help this young woman. If your relative never approaches you, I would tend to stay silent. I don't know if that helps, but that's how I would approach it. I'm more reactive than proactive as a personality though, so that is also a consideration. Clearly you have the right motivation, that of wanting to help, so do what you feel comfortable with, without any guilt. You are not a coward for considering the feeling of all family members, not just your young female relative.

[Culper Jr.]

I'd say that if a conversation develops organically, mention what you know and do your best to help this young woman. If your relative never approaches you, I would tend to stay silent.

This is good advice; I recently had a similar situation with a person in my ward. I am pretty under the radar, but there is only so much masking my feelings that I can do without being purposefully deceptive about it. This person picked up on something I said and jumped on the opportunity to discuss the issues. It's hard to read where a person is really at, and I see it as respectful, not cowardly, to not insert yourself into a situation that may not be what you think.

[Silver Girl]

If she is questioning and has nobody to talk to, she is in pain. I'd suggest giving her enough conversational openers that she will realize you're approachable about discussing things but you're also not trying to deconvert her. If she knows you're out, just let her know you've sensed she's questioning things and you know everyone has his/her own path, but you're always around to talk. If she doesn't know, then let her know where you stand in some manner.

One of the most horrible times is when you begin seeing the church crumble before your eyes, and there's nobody to turn to. Each person has to get through that in whatever way is best for them (hanging on due to family, or drifting off, or resigning, etc.) but living with the cyclone of lies and inconsistencies swirling around you is scary, harmful and lonely.

Look at it like this - would you have wanted someone to reach out when you were at that point? I would have. I'd have given a lot for someone to be there for me. I did connect with a few people after some time went on, but I spent many months emotionally isolated. Which is how cults work.

[MoPag]

If she is questioning and has nobody to talk to, she is in pain. I'd suggest giving her enough conversational openers that she will realize you're approachable about discussing things but you're also not trying to deconvert her. If she knows you're out, just let her know you've sensed she's questioning things and you know everyone has his/her own path, but you're always around to talk. If she doesn't know, then let her know where you stand in some manner.

This is great!^^

How much time do you normally spend with her? And how close is your relationship with her? Maybe a good short term goal would be building a stronger bond before you start getting into the church mess.

[Emower]

If she is questioning and has nobody to talk to, she is in pain. I'd suggest giving her enough conversational openers that she will realize you're approachable about discussing things but you're also not trying to deconvert her. If she knows you're out, just let her know you've sensed she's questioning things and you know everyone has his/her own path, but you're always around to talk. If she doesn't know, then let her know where you stand in some manner.

One of the most horrible times is when you begin seeing the church crumble before your eyes, and there's nobody to turn to. Each person has to get through that in whatever way is best for them (hanging on due to family, or drifting off, or resigning, etc.) but living with the cyclone of lies and inconsistencies swirling around you is scary, harmful and lonely.

Look at it like this - would you have wanted someone to reach out when you were at that point? I would have. I'd have given a lot for someone to be there for me. I did connect with a few people after some time went on, but I spent many months emotionally isolated. Which is how cults work.

I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that what silver girl has said is true.
Seriously though, please be available to her. It is the worst feeling in the world to feel like you don't have a genuine friend in the world who you can share doubts with. I can't advise on how to do this without more of the situation, but try your best to drop some hints. After all, if we decide to take the good from Mormonism then being there to mourn with those that mourn seems like a good thing to me.

[Fifi de la Vergne]

I think one of the biggest pain points for people who start to even question is the attitude that it is wrong to ask, that a person is bad for not having the faith to accept and believe no matter what. I don't know you or your situation obviously, but I think you could support her without outing yourself merely by being a nonjudgmental sounding board. You don't have to give her the CES letter or direct her to Mormon Stories or anything like that. But what would it mean to her to be a rational, calm, voice who, when she says "this is troubling" just . . . agrees?

I think of the psychology experiment that showed that people would go along with something they absolutely knew was incorrect because everyone else in the room ( who were plants) agreed on the falsity. If just one other person disagreed, it gave the subject courage to also disagree.

When people worry about their kids and wanting to deconvert them, I often think of a post on NOM 1.0 where someone said he doesn't try to deconvert them, he just encourages them to think critically. Most dogmas, Mormon included, have a hard time standing up to critical thinking.

I would never again set out to tell someone "the truth" about Mormonism. But support them and give them a safe space to question and discuss . . . absolutely.

[LostGirl]

Thank you for all of your suggestions. I agree that I am not out to deconvert her, just to help her feel that it is ok to have questions and to talk about those questions, and that she is not alone in asking the questions. I will have to find a way to make that possible.

[SeeNoEvil]

A lot of great suggestions here. If you aren't ready to out yourself I think it would perfectly acceptable to let her know it is OK to ask questions and let her know there are resources on the internet and groups where she can go. If she is in UT there are all sorts of groups that are relatively close by in the MorCor area and people willing to help. What is important is for her to know she is not alone.