Took a Calling & Regret Decision...What Next?

[beerad]

I need some advice on what to do, here's the story:

We are newish to the ward (been here a year but didn't start attending regularly until the 1st of the year). We have two teens. We've been inactive for a few years and that spans into 3 states and wards. Husband and I are both done but kids would like to still attend (they don't know our feelings about the church) and over Christmas break asked if we could start going again. I think they miss the traditions and the feeling of community (military family - move often)...so we started going again.

Last month the 2nd counselor extended a calling in YW (Mia Maid Advisor) and I accepted. I thought...well, my daughter is going to YW, I may as well. It's been a month and I haven't taught. I had to call the YW Pres. to get the notebook, I've emailed/texted the counselor over the MM and she's not great at replying and giving me info. I was out of town one weekend and then Stake Conf. was also in there.

Anyways, I've been reading the manual and I'm thinking...um, no. I don't want to teach this. I don't want to DO this.

Should I get in touch with the 2nd counselor and tell him, no...not now. I'm not ready for this. My husband is supportive and he'll go when the kids and I do but he's SUPER moody when we do and it's caused some drama between us. He also does not care for going every Sunday and that also creates some conflict too.

Thoughts? Ideas? Any input! I'm very frustrated with myself for taking the calling

[oliver_denom]

You can customize your lessons. It's rare that anyone will call you out on it. I did that for years.

The big thing, I think, is bringing your kids in on how you feel about the church. There's an impulse to hide it from them, I've felt it myself, but I got to the point where I said to myself, "Look...do I think the church is wrong or not?". And the answer for me was, "Yes, I absolutely think it's wrong about a good number of things." So I shared my feelings with the kids. I let them know. It felt much better than not telling them and feeling as though I was allowing them to learn hurtful things without challenging them.

[MoPag]

If it were me I would do the calling. I probably wouldn't teach anything in the manual though. Just spend lesson times trying to get the girls to talk to you about their lives and give them what advice you can. Focus on being their friends. If you can find anything empowering in the lessons then just fixate on that. If the YW pres. doesn't like what you are doing, tell her you are teaching by the spirit and if she doesn't want you to do that she can ask the bishop to release you. As a NOM you could probably do a lot of good in that calling. There is a whole board on here just for church lessons. I would love to help you NOM up your YW lessons. And I bet some other NOM sisters on here would love to help too.

[Red Ryder]

If callings are truly inspired then they know what they are getting. If they aren't, then they deserve what they get.

If you can do it your way and enjoy the time with the youth, than do it. You'll have a chance to minimize the toxic things like licked cupcake lessons.

If you don't want to do it, then quit.

[2bizE]

Honestly, I would stay in the calling. You get to spend time with others your kids. I would incorporate the essays into your lessons.

[Linked]

Sounds like a sticky situation. I hope that whatever comes of it works well for you.

If working with the YW in your ward is something you just don't want to do, then I would recommend telling the Bishop(ric) that you aren't going to be doing it and that the need to release you. There is nothing wrong with this being something you aren't interested in, or that you don't think is worth the time investment or that causes you pain.

If you like the idea of working with the YW but have issues with the lessons or methods, I think what others have said makes sense. You can adjust the lessons to avoid the stuff you disagree with, usually without raising too many red flags to TBMs. You can be a great help to the YW in your ward and that can be very rewarding for you and the YW. I taught youth Sunday School as a non-believer and I really enjoyed it. There were some cringey moments from my TBM team teacher, but I thought it was worth it. I especially enjoyed sharing non-church stuff that was interesting and helpful and nobody seemed to mind. It was also fun to help the youth think critically instead of encouraging them towards the correlated answer.

ETA - Looks like Red Ryder said the same thing much more concisely as I was typing this up.

[asa]

The advice you have received is excellent. I am in a similar position. I am often asked to substitute teach both the 16 year old class and the GD classes .I never use the lesson manual and develop my own lesson in each case. The response has been interesting . In both cases members of the class approached the bishopric and asked that I be called as the permanent teacher because they learned so much and the classes were much more interesting. The bishopric never responded to the requests but I am still officially a substitute teacher and still get a chance to teach true doctrine occasionally . Stay there . The girls need you. You can formally teach the subject matter but ignore everything in the manual other than the title. You have a great opportunity . Take advantage of it

[SeeNoEvil]

If it were me I would do the calling. I probably wouldn't teach anything in the manual though. Just spend lesson times trying to get the girls to talk to you about their lives and give them what advice you can. Focus on being their friends. If you can find anything empowering in the lessons then just fixate on that. If the YW pres. doesn't like what you are doing, tell her you are teaching by the spirit and if she doesn't want you to do that she can ask the bishop to release you. As a NOM you could probably do a lot of good in that calling. There is a whole board on here just for church lessons. I would love to help you NOM up your YW lessons. And I bet some other NOM sisters on here would love to help too.

I had the same calling years ago and this is pretty well what I did. One time I had prepared a different lesson because the scheduled lesson was one I couldn't in good conscience teach. But... the Stake visited my class that day. I pulled the teaching by the spirit card saying I had prepared the lesson but the spirit whispered to me that I there was something one of the girls needed to hear ... blah blah.... The stake used my story as an example of how we should teach by the spirit! I would caution on going to far off the Mormon mark though. I say this because my last boss was a bishop. His YW president would call or come to the office to talk. I heard them many times talking about how she and the counselors need to be on the look out for any anti talk or actions. He would ask for reports on each teacher. I don't know how nazi your bishop is but my boss definitely made it his mission to stop any anti talk in his ward.

I think you would be great as a YW teacher. This is such a vulnerable age. I remember a particular YW teacher I had that I became close too. When I felt I had no support at home, when no one cared I knew she did. I felt safe in her class. You are exactly what these girls might be needing. And please let us help with the lessons! Good luck. Let us know what you decide to do.

[beerad]

You can customize your lessons. It's rare that anyone will call you out on it. I did that for years.

The big thing, I think, is bringing your kids in on how you feel about the church. There's an impulse to hide it from them, I've felt it myself, but I got to the point where I said to myself, "Look...do I think the church is wrong or not?". And the answer for me was, "Yes, I absolutely think it's wrong about a good number of things." So I shared my feelings with the kids. I let them know. It felt much better than not telling them and feeling as though I was allowing them to learn hurtful things without challenging them.

Thank you for the suggestion. I have just started to mention things to my oldest and I think he will be okay with our feelings. He asked me if I thought he should go on a mission and that opened up some discussion. On a recent visit home I had a family member ask about whether or not he was planning to serve a mission. I have been prepping myself for it and I did well, told her that he probably would not and would more than likely join the military like his dad. I could tell she wasn't pleased with my reply and then she asked if it was a cost issue - NOPE.

[MerrieMiss]

If it were me I would do the calling. I probably wouldn't teach anything in the manual though. Just spend lesson times trying to get the girls to talk to you about their lives and give them what advice you can. Focus on being their friends. If you can find anything empowering in the lessons then just fixate on that. If the YW pres. doesn't like what you are doing, tell her you are teaching by the spirit and if she doesn't want you to do that she can ask the bishop to release you. As a NOM you could probably do a lot of good in that calling. There is a whole board on here just for church lessons. I would love to help you NOM up your YW lessons. And I bet some other NOM sisters on here would love to help too.

What MoPag says pretty much sums up how my sister-in-law, a believing but progressive member, teachers her lessons. I think you can go pretty far with it. She and I email back and forth on church stuff quite a bit. She is in the YW presidency and feels very strongly that the lessons are not good for the YW. We bounce ideas off of each other, talk about what we wished we had learned in YW, the damaging lessons we learned, what the YW need to move forward as adults, etc. She recently had to give a lesson about motherhood and marriage and instead focused on building and maintaining healthy relationships for now and for the future, i.e., friends, family, neighbors. She truly believes (and I agree with her, but I'm glad it isn't me in YW) that there needs to be women in the church to teach the YW valuable things and not what the culture or the manual emphasizes. She does have a bishop who gets on her case sometimes, but so far not too bad. I never used the manual in Primary. In fact, I've never seen a good teacher in the church who did. Boring.

One other thing - I don't know if you're teaching your daughter's class or not, but if you are teaching the lessons you have more control over the messages she is getting. You also have information about what she is receiving in those lessons every Sunday. I liked being in primary with my kids for just that reason - I was prepared to combat the nonsense they'd received that week.

[LostGirl]

If you have the energy for it you could do a lot of good.

I find the new youth curriculum really boring and lacking in substance. The same topic for the whole month and then the same outlines every single year. And it seemed like almost every lesson was aimed at fostering either obedience or missionary work. There were also many lessons about what "should" be happening in the home. Even when a topic would come up that sounded good, like being christlike, it still turned into a discourse on how you can be a good missionary by being christlike. I find the sunday school curriculum particularly focussed on generating missionaries.

I wish you well but I couldn't do it. Having said that I also wouldn't have the courage to ask for release so soon. Maybe give it a go and after you've been in there for a respectable period you could come up with a reason for release if it is not working for you.

[moksha]

1. If teaching a lesson, teach it in the way you think it should be taught.
2. Bargain with your husband so he feels that it will be okay just to attend once in a blue moon.
3. Remember you are a Child of God and not bound by the philosophies and superstitions of this peculiar group of men and women. Provide support where you can. Laugh when it helps and don't let any pervasive goofiness overwhelm you.
4. Have some chocolate.

[Korihor]

Tough call.

If I had a calling like that in my current status - I would probably do it, for a while at least, but keep a substitute at the ready.

I would present a modified view of the scheduled lesson that fit my tolerance for about 1/2 the class. The other 1/2 of the class time I would try to spend just talking with the kids about what's important to them.

Actually, I would spend as little time as possible discussing the scheduled lesson and let the kids derail the topic at will and then let a natural conversation follow. The kids will feel talked with instead of talked to.

[Silver Girl]

I'd resign, and I'd explain to the kids why you're doing so. Since you're new to your area, you could attend another church if the social thing is what they're wanting. I grew up in non-LDS churches and they were good experiences. The cult is damaging. The teachings in it are NOT something I'd want my kids exposed to. I would not feel good being part of the teachings (as an instructor or advisor). From what little I know. YW has some teachings that are particularly brainwashy. I was never in YW, but those things would trouble me.

Those are just my thoughts, and I am certainly not in your position. It does sound like attending is creating a level of personal tension for your and DH, and that is something to evaluate. You both see the issues, but is it really healthy (or good, in any manner) to hide them from the kids? People go into an inertia state in the church due to liking the social aspects (a ready-made group who might become friends), due to a family legacy, and due to fear. None of those are actually elements of a real church. Heck, they're not even elements of a decent and upfront club.

Good luck. Thanks for letting me a blunt dissenter! Please, please - let us know what happens!

[Emower]

ETA - Looks like Red Ryder said the same thing much more concisely as I was typing this up.

Lol! That's usually what happens...

Whats your goal? If it is just to support your kids then I would quit the calling, and just be there for them. If your goal is to help the other youth, then sure, present lessons as you would like. If it is to keep family peace, then maybe bringing your kids into the loop is the right thing to do.

[beerad]

Thank you all for the great advice. I decided to just go ahead and roll with the decision to take the calling. So far it's worked out okay but the group of women in the presidency drive me bonkers. There's no direction and very little communication. I had to approach the president to ask for a handbook w/ a roster and info. She handed it to me after class (my first week) and inside there was a typed up note and old outdated info. Newsletters are sporadic, sometimes there's info put out on FB and sometimes not (about activities, events). I've texted the counselor over me a few times and I've emailed her. She doesn't respond to email and texts, she's very slow to reply. It is really difficult to get to church as it is but being a part of this group is annoying. The girls are great, only a few, and a lot of fun to teach. That and my daughter being in another class are the only things that make it worth my time.

On another note, tonight I have a meeting w/ the bishop. I got a request to have a temple recommend interview w/ my husband and I. We have not had current recommends for over 10 years. Husband has zero interest in going to church at all and will occasionally go with us but always skips priesthood. I have only spoken to the bishop once, don't really know his personality well. I'd like to tell him that we are not planning on going to the temple again but don't want to start a bunch of drama. I am not going to lie about anything but also don't want to say anything that will create problems for my family.

[Red Ryder]

On another note, tonight I have a meeting w/ the bishop. I got a request to have a temple recommend interview w/ my husband and I. We have not had current recommends for over 10 years. Husband has zero interest in going to church at all and will occasionally go with us but always skips priesthood. I have only spoken to the bishop once, don't really know his personality well. I'd like to tell him that we are not planning on going to the temple again but don't want to start a bunch of drama. I am not going to lie about anything but also don't want to say anything that will create problems for my family.

It's perfectly fine to tell the Bishop the temple is/was weird and creepy. Subconsciously he will probably agree with you. Consciously he will tell you to go more often in order to get over the creepiness.

Whatever you decide to tell him, keep it simple and then just stare at him.

[Enough]

...keep it simple and then just stare at him.

Brilliant! This is going to be my new M.O.--- for all church leader issues that arise. (Of course, those involve a "HIM" -- 99.9% of the time).

[achilles]

If callings are truly inspired then they know what they are getting. If they aren't, then they deserve what they get.

If you can do it your way and enjoy the time with the youth, than do it. You'll have a chance to minimize the toxic things like licked cupcake lessons.

If you don't want to do it, then quit.

Bingo. I agree with others--have fun with them and be their friend. And be ready to temper the toxic stuff. And if the BP doesn't like it, well that's a failure of his discernment and not yours.