An Invitation To The Visiting Teachers

[Give It Time]

Dear Sisters,

I would like to propose a way to go about your visiting teaching, if you still do that. First of all, a couple of back stories.

First story

I was recently PM-ing with an old friend. I told her two stories from my marriage. I told her of how, when I was married, my husband had raped me. Then I told her of how, when our son was an infant, the man who was my husband had shaken him. After I related the stories, she replied:

I'm so sorry you went through that alone.

It caught me so off guard, that I started to sob. She was the first person in my real life I had told those stories and I wasn't expecting such a beautifully compassionate response.

Second story

My sister has a horrible marriage. Take my marriage and multiply it by five and you'll have a ballpark idea how bad it is. Her husband is about to celebrate his birthday. He's going away to an exotic location. Is he taking my sister? No. He's taking another woman. She's not divorcing, because she doesn't believe in divorce.

For reasons relating to my recently opening a dialogue with my bishop, I was checking out Lundy Bancroft's Facebook page. Mr. Bancroft is the author of Why Does He Do That? inside The Minds Of Angry And Controlling Men.. It is the most read book about domestic violence. I noticed that he had a daily wisdom book and I downloaded a sample to my Kindle. As I read it, two things happened. The first was that I noticed how remote the things he was talking about were for me and it felt to finally be in that place. The second was that, as I read some of his statements: "you deserve to be seen and treasured for who you are", "you have important strengths", "you are profoundly strong", I began to weep for my sister. I bet she has endured through a hellish marriage and who knows how long it has been since she's heard words like this spoken over her.

I realized my sister and I probably aren't that unusual. I'll bet it's pretty unusual to told we are off worth. Not worth to do things the Lord wants. Not worth to stay chaste. Worth. Simple worth. That's it. We haven't really heard those words since young womens or primary.

I decided that, as a visiting teacher, I'm going to go into homes and have my message be simply that the sisters on my route are valued and of worth. It may be the only words of compassion, grace and strength they hear all month. I'm going to be using Mr. Bancroft's book and working it in NOM-ishly with the VT lesson. I invite you to use his book or something that resonates with you.

Visiting Teaching is something that, frankly, I frustrate myself over. The Visiting Teachers are, to me, the most under-utilized resource in the church. So, I'm taking that frustration and turning it into a blessing.

[Mad Jax]

Before I quit Facebook, I had a friend who really opened my eyes to the different ways men and women are abused in relationships. I honestly thought we guys had it worse; I've been stabbed and simply unable to call the cops because if I did I would be the one they hauled off, for instance. Can't go to the hospital either without cops asking questions (so same issue). But there are traps that seem to be different for both sexes - on a continuum, but different as a whole. Or maybe it's more accurate to say different people have different snares that keep them in unhealthy relationships... I'm not sure which one is more accurate.

I'm sorry that you underwent that and... I guess I'm sorry that in the past, I had been pretty indifferent to the plight of the other half. I had this... skewed attitude, I suppose. I saw everything through my own lens. And I wish my eyes had been opened sooner.

[Give It Time]

Before I quit Facebook, I had a friend who really opened my eyes to the different ways men and women are abused in relationships. I honestly thought we guys had it worse; I've been stabbed and simply unable to call the cops because if I did I would be the one they hauled off, for instance. Can't go to the hospital either without cops asking questions (so same issue). But there are traps that seem to be different for both sexes - on a continuum, but different as a whole. Or maybe it's more accurate to say different people have different snares that keep them in unhealthy relationships... I'm not sure which one is more accurate.

I'm sorry that you underwent that and... I guess I'm sorry that in the past, I had been pretty indifferent to the plight of the other half. I had this... skewed attitude, I suppose. I saw everything through my own lens. And I wish my eyes had been opened sooner.

Thank you, Jax. You open my eyes, as well. The male abuser is the stereotype, but it is known women abuse, too. They just do it differently. Since I've learned about abuse, I can anecdotally report that the number of women seems to be the same as the number of men. It's still all excused and written off and that's wrong to do.

I was thinking of this...what...mission...call...dharma...tao? To be the source of compassion in my visiting teachee's lives, because that may be the only voice of support they hear all month, why stop there? Why not speak words of blessing over my VTs, over my HTs, over my sons (actually, they get a little awkward when I do this). You know I've been grappling with the concept of compassion in a world that skews toward fear oriented behavior and I think I'm figuring out a way to make it all work.

So, with my new sense of Tao. Jax, I'm sorry you went through those experiences alone. It may have been so difficult to need help and not wanting to accept the consequences of obtaining it. To be branded an outlaw by pre-conceived notion. I hope you were able to obtain the healing you needed. Know this. You are strong, resourceful and capable.

[Palerider]

One of the things I noticed early on in my disillusionment with the church is that they are extremely ill equipped and very reticent to deal with real family problems involving relationships.

They are filled with platitudes that sound as if they should work but don't really. And I have the impression that even professional church counselors have an agenda that is driven by church leadership rather than helping couples create truly healthy relationships.

For claiming to be a family oriented organization I think they fail at a level that is high and hidden with many who suffer in silence and alone. But keep smiling folks! It's important to be positive and have an attitude of gratitude....

[Give It Time]

One of the things I noticed early on in my disillusionment with the church is that they are extremely ill equipped and very reticent to deal with real family problems involving relationships.

They are filled with platitudes that sound as if they should work but don't really. And I have the impression that even professional church counselors have an agenda that is driven by church leadership rather than helping couples create truly healthy relationships.

For claiming to be a family oriented organization I think they fail at a level that is high and hidden with many who suffer in silence and alone. But keep smiling folks! It's important to be positive and have an attitude of gratitude....

I think you're right about LDSSS counselors. I think, since the church is paying the bill, the counselor's loyalty is to the church. I have an LDSSS therapist. I pay the bill. I believe this makes a huge difference in the help she gives me. I appreciate that she's LDSSS, because she understands very well the world I live in.

[alas]

One of the things I noticed early on in my disillusionment with the church is that they are extremely ill equipped and very reticent to deal with real family problems involving relationships.

They are filled with platitudes that sound as if they should work but don't really. And I have the impression that even professional church counselors have an agenda that is driven by church leadership rather than helping couples create truly healthy relationships.

For claiming to be a family oriented organization I think they fail at a level that is high and hidden with many who suffer in silence and alone. But keep smiling folks! It's important to be positive and have an attitude of gratitude....

I think you're right about LDSSS counselors. I think, since the church is paying the bill, the counselor's loyalty is to the church. I have an LDSSS therapist. I pay the bill. I believe this makes a huge difference in the help she gives me. I appreciate that she's LDSSS, because she understands very well the world I live in.

My experience with LDSSS is that it depends on if the individual therapist is a Mormon first, or a counselor first. My counselor was good, but only part time at LDSSS and had a real job somewhere else. He was a counselor first, and religion only came up when I brought it up, as should happen with a good counselor. My mother's and father's were both poor to middlin and for sure Mormon before they were counselors. They had no clue how to put a family fractured by sexual abuse back together, and the whole reason we were all at the same agency was so we could accomplish the church's goal of fixing the family. But the other counselor's were trying to make us into the model Mormon family. It was a disaster. But my individual counseling was good. He was a decent guy and a convert to the church and his being LDS never got in the road.

But then as a social worker, I had an advantage in judging the quality of other social worker's work. Which by the way made my counselor very self conscious.



Jax, I am also sorry you went through that alone. I wish more men knew that there is help out there for them, and was even 30 years ago because I was at an agency that broke with YWCA so that they could serve male victims of abuse too. I worked with several male victims of domestic violence. What is surprising is how similar the issues are no matter who is the abuser. Lesbian couple, same dynamics. Gay couple, same dynamics. The one difference I did see is male victims have more trouble reaching out for help. If it wasn't fear that they would be blamed, it was shame because they felt it reflected on their manhood. Men are not supposed to be victims.

But what hits me as saddest about "men are not supposed to be victims" is that somehow, it is just OK with our society that women are victims.

[Give It Time]

One of the things I noticed early on in my disillusionment with the church is that they are extremely ill equipped and very reticent to deal with real family problems involving relationships.

They are filled with platitudes that sound as if they should work but don't really. And I have the impression that even professional church counselors have an agenda that is driven by church leadership rather than helping couples create truly healthy relationships.

For claiming to be a family oriented organization I think they fail at a level that is high and hidden with many who suffer in silence and alone. But keep smiling folks! It's important to be positive and have an attitude of gratitude....

I think you're right about LDSSS counselors. I think, since the church is paying the bill, the counselor's loyalty is to the church. I have an LDSSS therapist. I pay the bill. I believe this makes a huge difference in the help she gives me. I appreciate that she's LDSSS, because she understands very well the world I live in.

My experience with LDSSS is that it depends on if the individual therapist is a Mormon first, or a counselor first. My counselor was good, but only part time at LDSSS and had a real job somewhere else. He was a counselor first, and religion only came up when I brought it up, as should happen with a good counselor. My mother's and father's were both poor to middlin and for sure Mormon before they were counselors. They had no clue how to put a family fractured by sexual abuse back together, and the whole reason we were all at the same agency was so we could accomplish the church's goal of fixing the family. But the other counselor's were trying to make us into the model Mormon family. It was a disaster. But my individual counseling was good. He was a decent guy and a convert to the church and his being LDS never got in the road.

But then as a social worker, I had an advantage in judging the quality of other social worker's work. Which by the way made my counselor very self conscious.



Jax, I am also sorry you went through that alone. I wish more men knew that there is help out there for them, and was even 30 years ago because I was at an agency that broke with YWCA so that they could serve male victims of abuse too. I worked with several male victims of domestic violence. What is surprising is how similar the issues are no matter who is the abuser. Lesbian couple, same dynamics. Gay couple, same dynamics. The one difference I did see is male victims have more trouble reaching out for help. If it wasn't fear that they would be blamed, it was shame because they felt it reflected on their manhood. Men are not supposed to be victims.

But what hits me as saddest about "men are not supposed to be victims" is that somehow, it is just OK with our society that women are victims.

Okay, this is excellent.

I found my therapist, not through my bishop, but by someone trained to help abuse victims. My therapist happened to be LDSSS and the reassurance was given, not so much for religious reasons, but that a victim who might not be able to pay otherwise could go see her.

Adding on to alas's assessment. My therapist has lesbian business partners, has a statue of Buddha in her office and she believes the Wiccan rede is an excellent ethical guide. Having said all that, I still believe my experience with her would be different if the church were paying. Bottom line, I'd say get a referral from someone other than the bishop and do a test visit or two.

What alas says about male victims is also my understanding. And, yes, I don't like it how toxic patriarchy sends the message men should be ashamed to report and that it's okay for a woman to be a victim. I am sitting here imagining both scenarios in reporting. The man gets sniggers and the woman gets indifference. Both. Just. Bad.

[Mad Jax]

I think the strange thing is that people really often want to support, but they are pressured to stay "within acceptable limits" in a number of ways. I used to want to ask girls with bruises at work if they were okay and if there was anything I could do but of course... that's intrusive. And so I didn't.

When I later got a job as a bouncer I developed big brother syndrome in a bad way. The friendships you have with some of the girls become almost brother/sister like and you get very overprotective and they get pretty nurturing toward you. It's no doubt unhealthy and actually pretty dark. You have to experience it to understand it I guess, and I don't recommend it of course, but it's actually pretty common in that vocation. I think people with certain psychologies are drawn to that environment. It feels like you can help, but you know that if you follow your darker impulses it will just make it worse for her.

And as for the bigger problems, the reality is that overt abuse is probably less common than what you don't see. It's the limited perspective that made me think guys got the worse end of it for so many years. Because we got the "visible abuse" the worst, at least anecdotally for me. Oddly enough, I really think guys were trying to help when they would say things like "Hard core for handling that kind of a chick." It was the only "acceptable" way they could say they empathized. And I bought into it and did so as well.

I think being shown such a broader spectrum of abuse has been pretty heartbreaking for me. Heartbreaking because I just dismissed so much of the hidden abuse that is just as soul destroying and possibly more psychologically damaging. I can't fix that past indifference... I just can't. But I suppose I can keep my ears open now. And hopefully find the wisdom to act in a way that may actually help someone some day.

[Give It Time]

Jax, I was indifferent in the past, too. I really championed the priesthood in preventing abuse. I really excused the system (the Q15, really) for those bishops here and there were might make mistakes in handling cases. Sometimes I chuckle and sometimes I sigh when I hear someone saying, "No! The priesthood makes men better!" Or "Oh, that's just one bishop".

I sometimes wonder if those people will experience karma in the way I did.

[Mad Jax]

So coming back to this... I don't know if this is weakness or not, but in reference to the incident I mentioned early on, I had the stab wound scar covered up with a tattoo yesterday. I just got so sick of looking at it and being reminded of that moment every time. I did want the tat, but I chose where a certain part of it was placed in order to make sure I never saw whose puncture wounds again.

Am I guilty of "covering up" evidence of past abuse? I honestly don't know, but I'm tired of carrying a hashtag to the memory of it every single day. I think I made the right choice. Memories are supposed to fade, after all.

[Give It Time]

So coming back to this... I don't know if this is weakness or not, but in reference to the incident I mentioned early on, I had the stab wound scar covered up with a tattoo yesterday. I just got so sick of looking at it and being reminded of that moment every time. I did want the tat, but I chose where a certain part of it was placed in order to make sure I never saw whose puncture wounds again.

Am I guilty of "covering up" evidence of past abuse? I honestly don't know, but I'm tired of carrying a hashtag to the memory of it every single day. I think I made the right choice. Memories are supposed to fade, after all.

Jax, long ago, my ex kicked in a door in our house. He broke the doorframe and refused to repair it. When I was awarded the house in the divorce, I had a contractor repair the frame. I told him I wanted it "as if it had never happened". I chose not to go with the full repair, because it would have been too expensive, but I did have it repaired to the best of that contractor's abilities.

I think wanting to, to the best of our abilities, cover up or repair the damage is a part of healing the emotional scars.

[Give It Time]

Jax, I apologise. My mind is pretty preoccupied with my sister's situation.

Good for you for finding a way to, not only move on from the past, but find a way to turn it into a thing of beauty.

[Mad Jax]

Oh no worries. I think you're first response was genuine.

Believe me when I say I understand what it's like to be focused on an issue with a family member.

[moksha]

This is just my personal thought. I would love it if my home teachers would come visit me. Haven't had a formal visit since December of 2015. Come see if I am still alive. It would be nice if you had a lesson, but that is not necessary. Even a five-minute visit would be appreciated - we could shake hands, have a few pleasantries, say the prayer and you could leave. Stay longer and I could offer you a Diet Coke.

[Newme]

This is just my personal thought. I would love it if my home teachers would come visit me. Haven't had a formal visit since December of 2015. Come see if I am still alive. It would be nice if you had a lesson, but that is not necessary. Even a five-minute visit would be appreciated - we could shake hands, have a few pleasantries, say the prayer and you could leave. Stay longer and I could offer you a Diet Coke.

If I were a man & your home teacher, I'd visit & bring you a year's supply of diet coke, if you'd want.


I used to love VT, but I came to see it as kind of manipulative obligatory & shaming (though I acknowledge it's likely just this situation mostly). My previous VT sup kept harassing me (even got RS pres to), so I kindly (for 1st time ever) asked to be taken off as VT, & that I'll love when I feel impressed to.