I've Opened Up A Dialogue With My Bishop

[Give It Time]

It was actually unintentionally incited by my ex. He did something. I made a strong show in order to prevent transmitting shame. That strong show had to be to the bishop. The bishop and I talked. Then I sent him an email letting him know in the most brief and most basic way the ward had failed me and my family when I was divorcing my ex. The unwitting ways (and some witting ways), the message had been sent that the ward and the church were fine with abuse. For instance, issuing a temple recommend hoping that will bring the abuser to a sense of his higher self. Yet, issuing a temple recommend to an abuser sends the message to the victim, abuse is okay.

Some of the small and large ways, I was told I was wrong combined with their friendly treatment of my ex and their not holding his feet to the fire, sent the message they're fine with abuse. He appreciated my candor, but I sensed some terseness in his latest response. Not a ton, but something along the lines of people should be allowed to greet a friend they haven't seen in a long while. I agreed, but added that it was the ill treatment of me combined with the good treatment toward him that sent the harmful message.

Anyway, it was huge for me. However, I think that's about as far as I'll take it, for now. If he wants further light and knowledge from me as to how something said or done might come across to a DV victim, he has my number.

We'll see how things proceed from here, but at least I cracked the door open, a little bit.

[MoPag]

Way to go Give It Time!!!

Maybe your Bishop will be humble enough to learn from how they treated you so they can try harder with the next case of DV.

For instance, issuing a temple recommend hoping that will bring the abuser to a sense of his higher self. Yet, issuing a temple recommend to an abuser sends the message to the victim, abuse is okay.

This just kills me. We grow up in the church learning about the repentance process and then when someone has wronged us, that whole process doesn't apply to them. And it happens all the time. It happened in my situation too. And you are right the message it sends adds just adds the mental torture the abuse victim is already experiencing. So f@#%ed up!

[Give It Time]

Way to go Give It Time!!!

Maybe your Bishop will be humble enough to learn from how they treated you so they can try harder with the next case of DV.

For instance, issuing a temple recommend hoping that will bring the abuser to a sense of his higher self. Yet, issuing a temple recommend to an abuser sends the message to the victim, abuse is okay.

This just kills me. We grow up in the church learning about the repentance process and then when someone has wronged us, that whole process doesn't apply to them. And it happens all the time. It happened in my situation too. And you are right the message it sends adds just adds the mental torture the abuse victim is already experiencing. So f@#%ed up!

That was kind of my intent. The previous bishop had been groomed for nine months by my ex and I think he was abusive, himself. So all the excuses my abusive ex gave that bishop probably said, "I'm that guy!"' and the bromance was in full swing.

This bishop was also friends with my ex, but had always been respectful toward me. He was one of the two people who was respectful under the previous administration. During his tenure, I've noticed that he seems fair and has integrity. I had gotten the feeling from the love bombing that people wanted to know where things went wrong, so I cracked open the door, but it's been a number of years. There have been instances where people mean well, but aren't thinking. Something we all do. So, there's a lot.

I considered telling more, but perceived he is not yet ready and I will leave it to him to seek me out. I'm sure he knows he can.

Yes, it is effed-up. Not only that, you pointed out, very well, that the temple recommend question seems to be more about publicity. Issuing a recommend either says the abuse is okay or the bishop doesn't believe the victim. It gives the victim's requests for healing from the ward zero credibility, because the abuser has a recommend and, in the eyes of the ward, it can't be that bad.

[SeeNoEvil]

Wow! This sent chills up my arms! So many times I wanted to talk to my bishop, let him to know what was happening and help him understand the hurt and didn't. But you did! You found your voice and spoke out and your words were powerful. This is exactly what I faced in the church when I divorced. I did have sort of a conversation with my bishop who happened to be my ex's buddy and our next door neighbor. I didn't get far into it though. He stopped me with his comments that some how this was all my fault. The only way we can change the way victims are treated is to speak up just as you did. Let us know if he responds back. Keep us updated. Thanks for speaking up.

[Give It Time]

I definitely will.

I did mine in the spirit of understanding and information. I have told him I understand this is just the way Mormons do things and I'm not asking for change, just explaining how some of these things look to a person who has vastly different experiences.

I also think the internet and our bolder and savvier rising generation--Madi Barney, Elizabeth Smart--are doing a lot to raise awareness within the Church about these problems within the Church. I imagine that there might be some meeting with local leaders where they discuss wandering sheep and what makes them stray. Hopefully, some of my comments will be added to the discussion.

I really don't think bishops truly have the perspective of the victim when they counsel victims. They just follow the handbook and apply those to the societal misconceptions about abuse. I hope that if he gets someone in his office like me, he'll have a better basis of understanding what the victim will be experiencing and how to keep her engaged in the church. I say that, because I really would have appreciated the support of my ward family, whether I believed or not, they were people I knew and thought cared about me. Their support would have been nice.