Talking to children about changes in faith

[rosebud]

My husband has been incredibly supportive of my new choices over the last month to 6 weeks.

I have expressed to my husband that it is important to me to explain to the kids in a developmentally appropriate way my faith transition before I go completely inactive. (I do honesty with the kids because they notice stuff, changes, and tension and I want them to know that life has hard stuff but we are there for them). I will be attending sacrament meeting for the next few months as my husband doesn't want to rush things and he needs time to think and I agree so I have a few months to consider how we will approach it with the kids.

Kids are younger elementary aged.

What I have been thinking is a simple explanation that my beliefs have changed, that I support Dad completely in his faith choices and that he supports me.
That they will make their own choices about faith as they learn and grow.
That we are still a family and love each other just as much as before.
That we will sometimes do something else on Sundays besides church to make sure we have plenty of time together (this is something both DH and I have felt we could do to show we support each other).

Those who have gone before me - anything to think about when talking to kids? Anything husband and I should discuss beforehand or that may be upsetting to the kids that we haven't though of?

[MoPag]

This is a good question. I try to help my kids see, that for us, church is something nice that we do; but it is not an overpowering force that controls every aspect of our lives (like it was for me growing up) We go and see our friends and sing songs. Sometimes we hear nice things at church like, like stories about helping others. And sometimes we hear things that make us sad. DD was furious when she found out she could never be a Bishop.

Basically I don't want them to take the church very seriously. But my situation is different than yours. I don't have a spouse. My ex is inactive but he's not involved with his kids that much.

That we will sometimes do something else on Sundays besides church to make sure we have plenty of time together (this is something both DH and I have felt we could do to show we support each other).

I like this idea^^ I think that will help your whole family through your transition.

[LostGirl]

I wonder about this too. I am not ready to be all the way out yet though and mine are teenagers.

I'm pretty sure they are well aware that I am not like other church mothers already. I try to make sure they know they should use their brains and think critically and be open to different perspectives.

I spend a great deal of time thinking about whether it would be better for them to have it all come out now or leave them in their happy bubble.

If I was to tell them I think it would have to be a similar approach to a spouse - giving great assurance that this does not change the way you feel about them or change who you are. I was just thinking today that when I do let the proverbial cat out of the bag, I will want people to know that I have felt this way for years, so they can't think that I have suddenly changed.

[alas]

You might want to say something along the line of there are people at church who will try to tell them that the family won't be together in the next life if you don't believe, but that you are not worried about that because if God is worth us loving him, he would never separate a family that loves each other just because one of them believes different. Help prepare them for some of the pressure that the church will put on them to fix you. Help them see that it is not their responsibility to make you believe, or that it isn't their responsibility to make you go to church.

I grew up the child of semi/inactive parents and there is a lot of pressure put on children, so prepare them for that.

[MalcolmVillager]

Good question Rosebud. Most in my wars and family still think I am TBM. My DW knows I am changing but she really doesn't like to talk about it. I am trying to go slowly on changes. I expect to be released from my HP leadership calling within a few months. When that happens I hope to slip into something very low commitment, maybe even no calling.

As far as telling kids. I have asled DW to teach the essays in FHE and for her to lead, so that I don't go too far. We have only done the seer stones one so far.

We took our 5 daughters (15, 13, 10, 8, 6) to the church history museum and showed them the seer stones, and polygamy (their jaws dropped and they were visibly sick), and Nauvoo Expositor. We has several conversations over the next few days.

We also watch lots of nature and science shows. We openly discuss evolution. My 10 year old asked where Adam and Eve fit in with evolution and Lucy ( the 3 million year old hominid skeleton). I shared my testimony of literal evolution and how I believe that Adam and Eve were probably allegorical along with Noahs arc.

I plan on being age appropriate and opportunistic about what I share. I have not transitioned out, and may never do that completely. I dont think I will ever remove my name for the pain it would cause family.

My 15 year old confided in is she had touched herself. She was literally having a panic attack about it and the guilt was killing her. We listened to a Jennifer Finlayson-Fife podcast about masturbation and told her we disagree with thw church on this subject. We told her it probably isn't anything she should become obsessed about avoiding or participating in. We told that it is natural and healthy and that she should never feel like any leader has any right to know about it.

My 10 year old is reading rhe OT and has spoken to me about Adam amd Eve, Noah's arc and was amazed to find that people lived for 600-900 years back then. I asked her what she thought and she said that it was probably just an analogy too.

We also told them that having family days when thw weather is nice on Sundays is something we will do from time time. Our oldest protested on our first trip that we should eat out on Sunday, but came anyway, and later swam in the pool without saying anything about the Sabbath.

Lastly, we have told them that we are not going to tell them what to think, but teach them how to think. Leaders also should not tell them what to think.

I get a few feminist things in from time to time too since my wife doesnt do that for my girls. Oh, I guess I did havr my wife help me give blessings to the girls to start school.

[redjay]

I love the advice given so far:

Mopag - treating the church like a 'normal' church
Lostgirl - emphasising the stability of your love for them
Alas - That you believe that families relationships endure regardless
Malcolm - Openness and support. I love that your 15 year felt she could confide

I think regularly about my conversation I need to have. My older two more or less know, my younger two not so much - my youngest is presently oblivious.

This is how I picture it

1) Let them know I love them all, always
2) I don't see things how I used to - I support gay marriage and I don't believe that people won't be with their families forever just because they are of a different or no religion
3) The kids might see me acting differently, and they might see me with a cup of coffee instead of a soda if I think it is better for my health
4) I want them to always be open with me and I will accept them and their decisions, I hope that they can be the same with me
5) I will still go to church with my wife and them (the active kids)
6) Let them know I realise it's a lot to take in, but I love them all and they speak to me about it one on one if they want


That's how I picture it, but it could be more like I get to number 2 on the list and my wife is crying uncontrollably, I get to number 3 on the list and the 11 year old runs out of the room - I don;t get to number 4, I just sit with my head in my hands feeling like an absolute asshat.

[Anon70]

I've taken so many mental notes from this post! Parenting gold!

I try to ask questions whenever I hear or see something I'm concerned about. Usually leads to great discussions.

I'm very open to all of their questions and I'm honest about not knowing the answers. I try to find common ground on their issues/beliefs.

We talk all the time. We share articles. We watch podcasts. We critically discuss what they're learning at school, with friends and at church.

We travel. We visit other churches.

I work hard to push humanist values rather than Mormon ones at home.

I'm just hoping for critically thinking and compassionate adults.

[MoPag]

S

I've taken so many mental notes from this post! Parenting gold!

I try to ask questions whenever I hear or see something I'm concerned about. Usually leads to great discussions.

I'm very open to all of their questions and I'm honest about not knowing the answers. I try to find common ground on their issues/beliefs.

We talk all the time. We share articles. We watch podcasts. We critically discuss what they're learning at school, with friends and at church.

We travel. We visit other churches.

I work hard to push humanist values rather than Mormon ones at home.

I'm just hoping for critically thinking and compassionate adults.

Excellent points here too. ^^^

I hope when my kids are old enough we can have more in-depth discussions.

I also like the idea of visiting other churches. I take my kids to Pagan Sabbats with me. They love running around with the other kids and just having a much more relaxed Sunday than they would at LDS church. They also see that women do most of the religious officiating, and I think that is good for them too.

[Give It Time]

I'm settled in a place where I let my sons believe what they do and I believe what I do. My religious crisis was a harsh experience and I wouldn't do that to them. One of my sons is atheist and is beginning to be open about it.

My father was a convert. I loved my family on his side. My mother was the only sibling to stay active and I loved my family on her side. I guess I grew up loving people of all religious stripes. Seeing that they were good people, I saw there was nothing to be afraid of. I reconciled myself to the fact that we really don't know what's on the other side. I think that's what I will tell people when they advocate I rescue my son.

[Red Ryder]

Kids are smart enough to pick up on things without having to have blunt conversations about belief. I've noticed often times it's what you're not saying that speaks the loudest. Like not being judgemental of people who are different or don't fit the mormon mold.

When opportunity for any kind of dialogue comes up, I often turn the tables by asking my kids "well, what do you think?" Then I sit back and listen, validate, and then teach where needed. The best advice I've heard is to teach your kids to think and make decisions on their own within age appropriate boundaries. My daughter has really started to think on her own and is making wonderful decisions. She finds church culture annoying and calls out anyone who is overly fake or too spiritual at church. She sees through it.

The masturbation talk should be mandatory so that kids don't have to feel shame or guilt like we did in the 80's and 90's. It seems the church is slowly phasing this out but then again perhaps it's just rebranded as pornography.

As Malcolm said, JFF's podcasts are really good and help to convey a healthy message centered around sex. Everyone should listen to all 18 podcasts.