Why did I leave?

[mossy back]

A few years back when my DM realized I was not wearing my garments, had to have a talk with me about my church activity. One of the questions she asked was why I quit going to church. She asked if it was because of my job. At the time I said that it could be part of the reason, because I have worked shift work, days, swings, graves and on holidays and weekends for many, many years. For years I made going to church a priority even with my crazy schedule. Going to church on a Sunday morning after working all night was pretty tough but by darn, I did it because I was fully committed.

Lately I have been thinking about why I really did leave. How did I get here? I am beginning to see that my disbelief and inactivity has been a series of events throughout my whole life.

For example, it has been apparent that even in my early childhood I was shy, I did not and do not like the spot light at all. A person's standing or position in the church is affected by your personality. A person could be a model mormon but if you do like Christ admonishes and do your good works where no one can see, you will be destined to sit in the pews or in the back of gospel doctrine class for the rest of your mormon career.

Whatever....

Another example: When my parents moved into their first small home, it was in a neighborhood full of families that was so fun. Just like in the movie 'The Sandlot'. Then, families out grew out of their small houses and began moving out. My parents decided to stay and build on to their small house rather than move. We had a nice big house but our neighborhood now fell into disrepair. Our family was now on the wrong side of town. More importantly, on the wrong side of the ward boundaries. All of the kids in my ward went to the good elementary school, I went to the bad elementary school. Early on I began to realize what the church teaches about how to treat other people and what really happens at church, especially when you are on the wrong side of the ward, is quite different.

So there you go, another event, in a long series of events that has brought me to where I am today. Some events that has led to my inactivity were out of my control, some were not.

Getting over the guilt of not believing in the church and feeling like a failure is really something that I still deal with, even after all the years of being out of the church. And being able to be here on this forum and writing this down is very therapeutic for me! Thanks for reading!

[Corsair]

I sympathize with you. Leaving the LDS church is complicated because it evolved with a complicated set of social and religious restrictions that inadvertently forbid a member from being anything other than a true believer. Judaism has Reform Jews, Catholicism has Christmas and Easter members, and Evangelicals deal with liberal churches. But Mormons don't have a good way to deal with dissent. Inactivity in the LDS church is dealt with as much awkwardness and misunderstanding as the correlation department can ignorantly pile on it. Faithful members emotionally torment themselves and family with memes like "no empty seats in heaven" and emotionally blaming themselves when a family member takes a different path.

John Dehlin's Mormon Stories recently did several episodes on people who have met with general authorities during their disaffection. In virtually every case the GA is hilariously unprepared to deal with solid issues. Frequently they retreat to insulting explanations about why a person has "lost the spirit". They regularly answer the question they prefer had been asked rather than substantive questions. The guilt stream is pointed at the person suffering in a faith transition. Indeed, why would a member leave the LDS church with such entrenched rhetoric against them?

[Margarita]

It is just the growing up. Personally, I was appalled at my former self who judged and often shunned those who didn't live up to church teachings. It is this realization that gives you the empathy of others and a way to love within Christ's teachings..not those of the church. Sad..that in those young years you think that doing good has to do with the requirements of the church. Wishing you the very best in your new life. I admire you!!

[NOWmormon]

I sympathize with you. Leaving the LDS church is complicated because it evolved with a complicated set of social and religious restrictions that inadvertently forbid a member from being anything other than a true believer. Judaism has Reform Jews, Catholicism has Christmas and Easter members, and Evangelicals deal with liberal churches. But Mormons don't have a good way to deal with dissent. Inactivity in the LDS church is dealt with as much awkwardness and misunderstanding as the correlation department can ignorantly pile on it. Faithful members emotionally torment themselves and family with memes like "no empty seats in heaven" and emotionally blaming themselves when a family member takes a different path.

John Dehlin's Mormon Stories recently did several episodes on people who have met with general authorities during their disaffection. In virtually every case the GA is hilariously unprepared to deal with solid issues. Frequently they retreat to insulting explanations about why a person has "lost the spirit". They regularly answer the question they prefer had been asked rather than substantive questions. The guilt stream is pointed at the person suffering in a faith transition. Indeed, why would a member leave the LDS church with such entrenched rhetoric against them?

Great post.
U2 Mossy

Regarding Dissent--agree with you 100%. It's either stepford wives or nothing. Everything seems to be based around judgement: baptism interviews, priesthood interviews, mission interviews, temple recommend interviews, and on and on and on.
And because of this "letter of the law", members are sucked into the spirit of the law, and start judging for themselves....
How many families did you hometeach?...Do you have a calling?.....how do your kids behave?...Did you use enough decorations in your Relief Society lesson....I think he made a mistake when blessing the sacrament.
There is so safety when you're not a Stepford wife. They attack you publicly, privately, or via their own thoughts.

That's why I came up with the term NOWmormon (Neglected Or Wounded Mormon). I created my own safe space (and with mormonwounds.com).

Regarding Disaffection -- to expound on your comment--
The church pattern when questioned is:
They blame you ---> Which leads to Guilt----> Which leads to Shame

So Mossy, no wounder you are feeling "the guilt of not believing in the church and feeling like a failure"

[Corsair]

That's why I came up with the term NOWmormon (Neglected Or Wounded Mormon). I created my own safe space (and with mormonwounds.com).

I think you are on the right track. I'm not asking the LDS church to necessarily liberalize. If the majority of active members enjoy the comprehensive structure they have, I don't want to put them through burden of making changes for a much smaller group of heretics that want to stay involved. I would enjoy a more libertarian attitude that accepts how many people are simply not the future mission presidents and apostles they LDS church would prefer.

But I doubt that the church sees any type of advantage in letting people be the kind of Mormons they might want to be. A lot of LGBT people would be happier (and alive) if the church would simply tell them and their family that this probably isn't the church for them. They should go in peace and find their own path to God. Intellectuals and feminists would fare better with this policy also. I personally would be happy just living quietly as a Christian in my own ward without having to subscribe to the literal ideas of LDS culture.

But there is no demographic or financial advantage to the institutional church by this path. I'm not trying to be cynical about the motives and goals of the LDS church. However, it would probably be in greater decline if it liberalized. Churches that stray from conservative roots lose membership and decline. Lots of discussions on reddit.com/r/exmormon would see this as a good thing. It leaves us on this board stuck in the middle with mixed ideas on what would be best for us.

It is then no surprise that LDS leaders are planning for institutional longevity supporting the One True Church. Their goals are not our and we can't expect that they would cater to dissidents who have ideas that do not lead to organizational growth. We are walking down this path largely by ourselves and we would be happiest embracing that path.

[slk]

It was good hearing your story. My mom has been pretty good lately about not asking church questions. I do catch her feeling for my garment line from time to time. By the way, I'm a 48 year old male.

Just like you I've done my share of shift work and just ended a 5 year stint of rotating. Now I'm basically 8 to 5 with weekends off. I was a little hesitant to tell some of my TBM neighbors because I kind of used it as an excuse for Sundays. Now I'm to the point where I don't care. Many of them know of my schedule change but they still will won't be seeing me on Sundays.