Dr. Kristy Money Courses

[Linked]

Has anyone gone through Dr. Kristy Money's courses "Mormon on Your Own Terms: A Practical Guide" or "Mixed Faith Marriage Workbook"?

They looked interesting. I'm not sure DW is ready to really analyze our marriage and faith differences yet, so we probably won't be doing the marriage one right away. Any tips?

[Enoch Witty]

Thanks for sharing this. It gives a lot of good insights about marriage even if one never actually does the exercises with one's spouse.

[Deepthinker]

My wife and I did part of the mixed faith workbook. It was an incredible help to us. Definitely recommend.

The other one you linked to is something just for the person who is faith transitioning. I read through it, but at the time I had already gone through a lot of those types of exercises. It is worth going through before doing the mixed faith workbook.

[Nonny]

I have those workbooks and would like to try the exercises. Two problems though. I don't know how to approach the idea without my dh thinking I am trying to trap him. And, I'm not sure I'm ready for that level of vulnerability. Has anyone worked through issues like these?

[Lady_Macbeth]

I have those workbooks and would like to try the exercises. Two problems though. I don't know how to approach the idea without my dh thinking I am trying to trap him. And, I'm not sure I'm ready for that level of vulnerability. Has anyone worked through issues like these?

This is exactly where I am. After I printed the workbook - I hid it.

[MerrieMiss]

I have those workbooks and would like to try the exercises. Two problems though. I don't know how to approach the idea without my dh thinking I am trying to trap him. And, I'm not sure I'm ready for that level of vulnerability. Has anyone worked through issues like these?

I have the same problem. I don't want my husband to think I have an agenda and opening up to him like this is very difficult, particularly since once I do it, I can't reverse it.

[Red Ryder]

I have those workbooks and would like to try the exercises. Two problems though. I don't know how to approach the idea without my dh thinking I am trying to trap him. And, I'm not sure I'm ready for that level of vulnerability. Has anyone worked through issues like these?

You may have to prime this conversation with a few other conversations that build up to it. Here's an exercise that will get things started. Take a few weeks and spend time communicating about other issues that create shared meaning. Then when you feel the time is right, you could parlay this into the Dr. Money course. If you notice on the list in the link below, religion is towards the bottom. Spend time in dialogue that builds on empathy and emotional intimacy, while learning to repair when conversations turn to fights. Developing skills to repair will go a long way for when the religious differences seem insurmountable.

https://www.gottman.com/blog/create-sha ... g-rituals/

[Linked]

Good suggestion RR. Empathy and emotional intimacy would be vital for this exercise.


One of the things keeping me from trying this with my wife is that I'm not sure if it is worth it. Asking her to do this with me would burn some emotional capital that I am already (and always) low on. I try to get us to do things to improve the communication in our relationship like couples therapy, but she just doesn't like communicating and so what I try to do to help us just turns into me burning more emotional capital. I think she feels like I shame her when she makes herself vulnerable to me, and she feels like I never allow myself to be vulnerable to her. But she won't let me be vulnerable, because she hates having open discussions where that might happen. Ugh.

Since opening up to her about my disbelief there has been this undercurrent in our marriage of not giving the relationship our all because maybe we'd be better off not making it work. I am wary of attempting to deconvert her, because if things don't work out with us I don't want to have taken away her support network. Success in improving our emotional intimacy could just make a divorce harder. Maybe I would be better off not having the ever-present sadness exuding from my wife for my loss of belief in my life every day. Maybe she would be better off where she could at least ignore my existence.

[Nonny]

Thanks Lady Macbeth and MerrieMiss for affirming that I am not alone in this dilemma.

Good advice Red Ryder. That's a pretty hard task after 40 years of burying our feelings. I have tried to work on better communication. But when the time seems right to bring up sensitive issues, I always suppress the impulse. I'm sure that is telling me something about myself I don't want to face. He's not an ogre or anything. I think getting over the first hurdle will be the hardest part. I appreciate the encouragement.

[MerrieMiss]

Good suggestion RR. Empathy and emotional intimacy would be vital for this exercise.

One of the things keeping me from trying this with my wife is that I'm not sure if it is worth it. Asking her to do this with me would burn some emotional capital that I am already (and always) low on. I try to get us to do things to improve the communication in our relationship like couples therapy, but she just doesn't like communicating and so what I try to do to help us just turns into me burning more emotional capital. I think she feels like I shame her when she makes herself vulnerable to me, and she feels like I never allow myself to be vulnerable to her. But she won't let me be vulnerable, because she hates having open discussions where that might happen. Ugh.

I think one of the most irritating things about trying to open up to the people we are closest to and getting shut down, is that when the same ideas and feelings are presented by someone else, our loved ones are often open to those people while they were not open to us. I can’t say how many times I have said something that was ignored or I was invalidated, only to hear a loved one agree with someone else or see another person validated when they said the same thing/expressed the same feelings as I did. It’s really difficult. Hearing from other women and other people might do more than the two of you talking it out.

Since opening up to her about my disbelief there has been this undercurrent in our marriage of not giving the relationship our all because maybe we'd be better off not making it work. I am wary of attempting to deconvert her, because if things don't work out with us I don't want to have taken away her support network. Success in improving our emotional intimacy could just make a divorce harder. Maybe I would be better off not having the ever-present sadness exuding from my wife for my loss of belief in my life every day. Maybe she would be better off where she could at least ignore my existence.

I used to be in a place where I really wanted to deconvert my husband and I was trying to figure out the method/reasoning/way to get through to him. I’ve recently come to a different perspective. I don’t want to deconvert him. No one likes being converted to anything. And in some ways, I wonder how much of the husband I have now would remain if I did deconvert him? How would I feel to see him suffer like I did to get to where I am now? What I really want, more than deconverting my husband, is for us to mutually respect our differences. And maybe that’s asking for too much, I don’t know.

[MalcolmVillager]

I did one of her worksheets (Mormonism on my terms or something like that) and was going to go over it with DW. I tested her on a few things and realized that it wasn't time.

Maybe some day. She has been patient to this point but I have not spoken bluntly or in full depth about where I am.

[alas]

Hmmm, I am through these stages, and yet I don't really have any suggestions.

How did I get through and find the courage to be vulnerable? Well, I am just not sure that not giving a ###%%#}} is really a good option. I hit the point that I just couldn't keep trying to be the good Mormon wife he wanted. I just couldn't do it any more and I didn't care if he liked it or not. After 40 years of marriage, if he can't accept who I really am then I am not losing anything because I don't really have anything. It took knowing that I was correct, and knowing that if he couldn't accept it, that it was his problem.

It is so hard to be vulnerable with the people we care most about, because they are the ones we love most and don't want to lose, so we take the cautious approach. But so do they. I don't tell him my secrets because I am afraid of rejection and he doesn't tell me his secrets because he is afraid of rejection and pretty soon we don't know each other any more. And intimacy decreases because we have too much to lose. So, in effect, we lose what is most important because we are so afraid of losing it.

So, maybe don't wait until you no longer give a crap if he/she can handle it or not. Have your come to Jesus moment sooner rather than later. If you don't feel you can be honest with him/her about your deepest feelings, maybe it is time to say at least that much. "You know, dear, getting through the years of raising kids is hard and many couples drift apart. Then when the kids are finally raised, they find they don't know each other. I don't want that to happen to us, so I think we need to do something to prevent it."

One of the biggest problems that couples have is not spending time together as a couple. They fall into their roles, get busy with church and kids and jobs and stop courting each other. One counselor I had said he wanted to bring back the old fashioned word of wooing, because it has slightly different connotations than courting. Woo each other. Spend time together. Date each other. You can't have intimate talks when the kids are around. Take a second honeymoon.

If you don't feel your spouse is ready for the Kristy Money worksheets, try getting a book on the love languages. And keep in mind that there are actually more than listed in the book. There are two books that I know of and they list slightly different ones and I came up with another that was not in either book. But the book gives you the idea that you have to find what makes your partner feel loved. You can't assume that all women like flowers and being told they are loved, cause you wife may not want those things, but want you to just sit on the couch next to her. Women, one hint, most men have physical touch as part of their language. Once the two of you have had a talk on what makes each other feel loved, you have already shared some secrets and vulnerability. You also have a good tool for getting past the rough patches because you know how to show them love in the way they can hear you.

[Nonny]

Thanks, alas, for your excellent comments and suggestions.