"It's like I'm in a nightmare and I can't wake up."

[Linked]

I was talking to my brother about how the family is taking the news of my unbelief and he quoted his wife saying, "It's like I'm in a nightmare and I can't wake up." 6 months ago her son told her he is an atheist, he has recently started saying he is bi-sexual. Now her brother-in-law (me) doesn't believe. It really is a TBM nightmare.

It is frustrating how poorly the church and church culture prepare people for the situation of loved ones disaffecting. It is increasingly frustrating as the number of people disaffecting goes up. I was a TBM when Jeff Holland came to my stake and disclosed that the retention numbers for the youth were dismaying. I can't recall if he said it or I heard it later, but I believe they only retain around 30% of members through adulthood. To not better prepare parents for their kids to leave the church is just cruel.

I had a serious girlfriend leave the church and it was soul crushing. My friend disaffected in high school and his mom came to my house to see me in tears one day and begged me to save her son. Now I no longer believe and my family is suffering because of it. It drives a massive wedge into otherwise close relationships.

The things that perpetuate this unhealthy response are numerous. The "Eternal families only for the worthy" doctrine. The teachings of what cause people to lose their testimonies, basically that losing your testimony is a signal that you are very, very bad. The insular nature of mormon community has no place for people who aren't mormon or potential prospects. The attitude that mormons must protect themselves from bad influences, and who is a worse influence than an apostate? (This makes conversation difficult, because they disregard anything you say to protect themselves. I have been blown away with how open my brother has been, he has been awesome. My friend on the other hand is more condescending and disregarding of what I say)

Even if the GAs came out and repeatedly preached that we should love and accept and listen to our loved ones who have disaffected the problems above would still exist. The only way out of the issue is to not take the religion seriously, or to at least take it less seriously than your relationship. Individuals sometimes do that, it's a NOMish thing to do. But the church as a whole is built on taking itself 100% seriously, so I don't see this happening.

[wtfluff]

The "dreams" from the other side aren't all rainbows and unicorns either; Watching family members dedicate their lives to a dishonest corporation, masquerading as a church.

[Not Buying It]

Funny - I feel like I'm in a nightmare and I can't wake up. A nightmare where everyone I love in trapped in an organization with truth claims that are easily disprovable, policies that are damaging and toxic, and teachings that make me look as bad as the Devil himself if I try and leave it.

Weird how this organization is causing nightmares on both sides of the fence.

[Linked]

Good points wtfluff and Not Buying It. I just told my family of my disbelief a few days ago and have been watching their reaction and I was just stewing on her comment, and this is what came out. I've always liked this sister in law and it makes me sad that she is suffering, and mad at the cause of her suffering. It is frustrating that the church doesn't serve the believing members better.

That's not to take away from the situation they put those of us they would consider apostates in. For me it feels more like I woke up from my belief dream and now have to deal with the cold hard realities of the real world, most of the colder and harder parts caused by the handling of our differences by loved ones. But at least it's real.

[Stig]

Funny - I feel like I'm in a nightmare and I can't wake up. A nightmare where everyone I love in trapped in an organization with truth claims that are easily disprovable, policies that are damaging and toxic, and teachings that make me look as bad as the Devil himself if I try and leave it.

Weird how this organization is causing nightmares on both sides of the fence.

This. Very much, this.

[Corsair]

I was talking to my brother about how the family is taking the news of my unbelief and he quoted his wife saying, "It's like I'm in a nightmare and I can't wake up." 6 months ago her son told her he is an atheist, he has recently started saying he is bi-sexual. Now her brother-in-law (me) doesn't believe. It really is a TBM nightmare.

Much empathy to you who are sitting in the nightmare. I got really lucky that my wife has been tolerant of my faith change even if she is not supportive. But my experience seems to be exceptional and I am not sure that any advice is going to help you work through your challenges. I know what I would say, but it feels hollow when I observe the wreckage caused to relationships that the LDS church cannot or will not fix.

[Journey]

I believe that what your family is saying about feeling like they're in a nightmare is accurate. Their usual dream has changed and not in a direction that is acceptable for them. The thing is, I don't believe they really want to wake up, as the reality would be that their previous lives were spent dreaming, and a dream not worth spending your life on to boot. So sorry about all the family and your own suffering.

[MalcolmVillager]

Amen about the nightmare. I can't wake up either. I don't get to choose my reality. I didn't choose to make the verifiably false doctrines and histories, I only chose to find and accept them. That makes me the bad guy right?!

So sorry for you!

[Vlad the Emailer]

Amen about the nightmare. I can't wake up either. I don't get to choose my reality. I didn't choose to make the verifiably false doctrines and histories, I only chose to find and accept them. That makes me the bad guy right?!

So sorry for you!

Same here, all around. I actually went to the evil internet looking for information to support the church on a certain issue. You know, trying to be a good guy. The support I found was called FAIRMORMON and I can't imagine anyone's testimony making it past their nightmare of rationalizations and excuses.

It is one of the many ironies that Mormonism presents to the world. All about family, togetherness, and happiness, yet for many, the reality is just the opposite. That's what makes it a cult. Either you conform unquestioningly, or there will be disunity, anger, distrust, and a nightmare where a life should be. As said above, for those on both sides of the issue.

[MalcolmVillager]

Vlad, FAIR sort of answered a few things (I was giving people a break) but sadly they also opened pandora box with a list of stuff I needed to know more about. Slippery slope for sure. Their weak excuses just can't answer all the questions.

[MalcolmVillager]

Oh yeah and "Ask Gramps" was one too.

[Anon70]

A very young relative was visiting the other day. Must have had a recent FHE on forever families. Kept saying, if we don't make right choices we can't be together as a family forever! It obviously was a distressing thought. I'm talking under 5yo. the pressure, guilt and shaming have begun.

[NOMinally Mormon]

I had no idea the things families go through when someone leaves the church, before learning about it on the internet. My own family spans the spectrum from TBM to nonmormon, so we've always had a fair amount of tolerance even for those we disagree with.

Leaving the church has made it into the collective consciousness of Mormonism. GAs are speaking to the subject much more than in previous decades. At this point, though, the rhetoric out of SLC Is full of mixed messages. The church will have to fully address this issue as they continue to lose members, but given their propensity to lag decades behind the times, it might be a while.

[Enough]

The church is setting up its people (especially the older generations) for disillusionment and despair. My Ultra-Extremely Orthodox parents have lived their whole lives -- serving the church in Bishop & Relief Soiciety President positions, amongst others. They sacrificed time and enduring relationships with their own blood relatives (e.g. Me & my siblings) for the promise of Glory, Praise, and Eternal Happiness & Satisfaction in the afterlife. Now that 50% (5/10) of their offspring have left the church (or are disaffected, at least), it is absolutely devastating. My parents did not serve 4-5 full-time missions to end up with This. They served for Promised Blessings!! And yet-- this is the "nightmare" in which they are living-- prior to going to their final resting places, in the grave.

I feel bad. I do. But, I did not choose this. Neither did they, really.